Surname issues

[LurkerForLife]

There is such a backstory of built up resentment to this but I started typing it out and ended up clicking off half way through.

But I just want to know if I’m reasonable for feeling angry about it:

If you as a mother had 3 children and their father died when they were young… you subsequently went on to have another child with a man that was awful in a multitude of ways, uprooted your children’s lives continuously over a 5 year period to pursue the relationship with him until he left you all in poverty for months until you managed to rebuild your life. Would you think that it’s okay to change your 4th child’s surname by deed poll to the dead father of the first 3 children’s surname because the 4th child’s dad is a deadbeat? Without asking your other (adult at this point) children or any of their father’s surviving family (that she is friends with on SM etc)? Am I going insane or is this just wrong?

We are many years on from this happening and it’s something I’ve always struggled with, I think even more so now that I’m married and that he’s turning out to be just like his own father, while parading about with my fathers surname. I’m genuinely losing sleep at night over it at the moment :-(

Any way you can get counselling about this OP? There’s so much hurt evident in your story.
For what it’s worth I would try to let the surname part of the issue go as much as you can. It’s done now and can’t really be undone.
Wishing you well.

Sorry, but the last paragraph is very confusing. You seem to be saying that your current husband has your father's surname? Is that right - he took your name? And if so, what does this have to do with the name of the 4th dc?

So your 4th child has his father's name, or your maiden name? What name do you go by? Your current husband's? Your late husband's?

I think OP was one of the three children, now grown up.

As the mother, I would change the 4th child's name to my own surname. So if that was the same surname as the late father of my first three children, then yes I would change it to that.

OP's mum had OP & 2 siblings by one man, who then died.

She had a 4th child by another man who turned out to be awful, so she changed the surname of the 4th child to match the other 3.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

Was your mother's surname also the same as yours? I think it makes a difference if she gave her 4th child 'her' name.

I was expecting to be notified of responses but I wasn’t - sorry for going silent. I’m the 3rd child in the scenario. I probably do need counselling and keep reaching out and then recoiling. My mum has changed her surname multiple times since my dad’s passing but chose to use it again around a year or so before giving it to my brother. (15 years or so after he died) There’s so much more of a backstory to this that I probably won’t go into as it’ll definitely out me and I’ll probably delete this post eventually but I just wanted to get other perspectives to see whether I’m going crazy or not for feeling the way I do I guess

It's not 'your dad's' surname, it's a family surname for many people, including your mum.

I can totally see why you're upset as it sounds like you had a really difficult time.

But can you separate that from the surname issue? What is it, really, that makes the name change affect you?

It sounds like the problem is that you (understandably) didn't like you mum's next partner. But as that was hard to deal with when you were younger, you're taking it out by wanting distance from their child. Which isn't fair on them.

I think that would make me feel very angry too, OP. I'm sorry you lost your DF, and I'm sorry you had a terrible childhood after that.

If she went back to that surname, then it makes sense that she was changing his name to her surname (rather than thinking of it as just your father's name) but I can see that there's a lot of hurt for you here, so I can see why you feel upset that he has your father's name too.

She probably just wanted all her DC to have the same name, and the same name as her.

You appear to be reading waaaaay too much into it.

I think that you legally have to get fathers permission to change a child's surname.

It's his surname and your mum's also, not the property of your father. Your mum had every right to give it to her child. I'm sorry you're grieving but you can't set ownership over a name like this.

You don’t like your fourth sibling and don’t like that he has your dads name ?

yes I’d say you are going a bit bonkers to care about his surname , I have a tricky relationship with my brother and I would not give two shits which surname he was strutting around with

you are focusing all your hurt and upset at a surname and not at what is really wrong

if I was your counsellor and knew the full story I may say you were we’re very brave and strong

as far as the name is concerned these is absolutely nothing you can do about it so I would not give it a second thought

id seek help for everything else

Is this really about the surname? Reads like it might be more about the brother being a dick. And probs grief.