DD’s friends mum

[Tinkernelle]

Dd and her friend are 11/12. I’ve had a message from her friends mum saying she found a lot of nasty messages on her dd’s phone between them both from a couple of weeks ago.

They’ve obviously made up since, have been best friends for years and I’ve been aware of several fallings out between them which have all only ever lasted a few days.

Her mum seems to think it’s really serious, wants to meet to talk about it and be hard on the girls about bullying and nasty behaviour.

I think it’s pretty normal behaviour and since they’ve obviously sorted it out don’t need parents getting involved at this age.

AIBU in thinking she’s being OTT and to not to care?

If it's one bullying the other, then I would meet up. If it's clearly an argument with no clear 'victim' them it may be best to let them sort it out themselves. Have you seen the messages?

Actually I think this is an ideal time to have a word with them both about how messages can go further than you think and putting nasty words in print is different to just having a verbal spat.

It'll be easier since they've since made up so can reflect on what happened and how stupid it looks in retrospect.

I’ve since looked at them and would say they both gave as good as they got

You need to see the messages before you decide this is nothing. You shouldn’t turn a blind eye.

For me it would depend on what these "nasty messages" said. There is a big difference between a disagreement vs real bullying. If it is bad I would absolutely meet up, if it was just a disagreement I would be more inclined just to talk to my daughter about how words can hurt and that it's better to not message when angry incase hurtful things they didn't mean got said and hope they would do the same.

It night be normal but they need to be able to put this into context in terms of what would happen if they hadn't made up, the potential consequences of sending those kinds of messages to some who is vulnerable, and how schools might interpret that kind of behaviour. They may have made up but it sounds like they could do with guidance on alternative ways to communicate in an argument.

Why wouldn’t you want to support your daughter to navigate friendships in a healthier way? Falling out doesn’t have to mean being insulting and unkind to people.

The other mum is being very reasonable, you need to meet to understand the situation and help the two girls learn about how to and not to treat people.

Two wrongs don’t make a right though?

This isn’t about you having a go at your daughter, it’s about teaching them BOTH not to be rude/bullies/unkind.

I guess I’m happy to talk to dd and obviously for her to talk to hers and I do talk to dd about friendships, bullying etc anyway. I just don’t see the need for us to meet to talk about it together.

Surely dealing with this sort of thing themselves (as they have managed to do already) is important skill and you can’t /don’t always want you mum involved.