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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel a bit let down and hurt.

52 replies

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 14/02/2025 13:47

I’m prepared that I might be flamed for this but here goes.

i work for a large organisation but in a relatively smallish team. Over the past 5 years I’ve been there I’ve organised presents for people and contributed to even more. We’ve had 40th birthdays, 50th birthdays, retirements, new babies, new houses, a wedding and a couple more things.

anyway, I turned 40 on Tuesday and I’ve not had a single thing from them. I don’t know what to think. My boss asked last week what I was up to last weekend and I mentioned that it was my 40th on Tuesday and I was going out with my family for dinner on Sunday. I was in the office on Tuesday and no mention of it.

after all the time and effort I’ve gone to in organising numerous gifts for people (including my boss for his 40th) and all the money I’ve contributed I feel a bit hurt that it wasn’t reciprocated. I’m thinking that in future I’m not contributing to anymore gifts.

am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 14/02/2025 15:53

cunoyerjudowel · 14/02/2025 14:17

The problem is if you are always the one organising things no one will think to step up and do yours as you are the "someone else" who they think will do it

This

I'm sorry, it's not fair but it's what happens. Only way round is to organise a formal or informal committee for celebrations so that you are not left out.

yakamoza · 14/02/2025 16:43

cunoyerjudowel · 14/02/2025 14:17

The problem is if you are always the one organising things no one will think to step up and do yours as you are the "someone else" who they think will do it

@familyfullofeccentrics1 ⬆the post above is very true: in my experience, there is always someone in almost every team, who is almost "expected" to do it by default. It can be especially bad if the majority of the team is men. I don't want to sound sexist but somehow they don't really think about those types of things in the same way as women do.

I find that remote work has made this situation worse too as people somehow started drifting away from each other so much that in our team we are sometimes finding it difficult to even get people to write messages in someone's leaving cards (and this is e-cards I am talking about, which literally should take no more than a couple of minutes to add messages to!).

I don't really know what the answer is here but perhaps next time someone's birthday, anniversary or whatever comes along, do try not doing anything and see what happens. You may be asked by your boss but you could really just openly ask if he could ask someone else?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 14/02/2025 16:44

Get yourself some balloons, take your cards in and put them on your desk. Sod them, miserable lot!

Yolo12345 · 15/02/2025 13:10

This is seen as women's work - happy for you to do it, but it's undervalued, under appreciated and will NEVER be reciprocated. Please stop doing it x

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 13:29

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 14/02/2025 14:28

Btw maybe I didn’t make it clear I haven’t been responsible for organising ALL the collections over the years so I don’t think it’s a case of it not being done because I always do it.

i think they’re just a shower of arseholes 😂

let me swing this the other way round (ok, it a bit of clutch at straws as you’re right to feel pissed off)

In places I worked we operated unwritten rule of no presents except leaving present collection, wedding and maternity (stuff for baby) . Birthdays were bring in your own birthday cakes or food to share. so if you wanted your colleagues to celebrate with you being your own food in! Even for big birthdays. Yep there’d be a card sent round, but usually someone would “make one” from a bit of playing around on the computer with something jokey amd relevent to that colleague. We would do a secret Santa but the £ was capped very low and people needed to be creative. We had a lot of homemade stuff with that.

The reason is that doing collections for every birthday, or even big birthdays costs people a lot of money. They feel social pressure to do it. They feel pressured to give more than just loose change, and all those £5 or £3 soon mount up taking money from family budgets. In a lot of offices there are people,like you that want to organise collections to be “kind” but a lot of folks hate it, wish it would stop, and resent their hard earn cash being “taxed” to give present to people they’d not be friends with outside of work, or even people they don’t much like in work. They’d like to spend that money on their own friends, kids or spouse or whoever is their choice. Not yours.

your colleagues and boss not doing a collection means you are likely the lone voice here wanting to do this. Every time you’ve done the whip round they’ve been at best just going along to be seen as nice, or actively resenting it, consider it a waste of money ( dare I say particualrly men who don’t put as big a value on these kind gestures typically ). So, naturally they’ve not done it for you. They want it, and you, to stop.

so, if that’s correct, stop. You’ve “read the room” incorrectly. Individuals were probably delighted to be gifted, but still want it to stop.

If you still think giving a card is nice, then do 2 things. Talk to your colleagues to ask if they’d like to have cards, or how they’d like to recognise birthdays if at all. Let everyone decide. If they say yes they’d like to still give cards, publish a list of birthdays so reminders in the whole teams diary, and come up with system on how to buy/create the necessary cards- frankly making them is a darn site less expensive and quick , just needs someone to spend 15 mins of lunch break messing around on computer.

do the bring your own cake thing. Means you won’t be forgotten. If people aren’t fussed celebrating their birthday (and a lot of folks aren’t) they don’t bring . Simples

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 13:37

I would add, that I also mamanger teams at various times.
There were team leaders that’d buy presents at Xmas or other times for their team members . I was to.d on a number of occasions it was expected as a boss
My view was sod that. I wasn’t paid enough to fund the company’s R and R programme for their employees out of my own pocket and expense. If the company wanted to make their employees feel valued with Xmas presents etc, then they can expect an expense claim from me.

I did a lot of other team R and R with my teams. I fought for it sometimes after a period of hard work and long hours they’d give. But it was always through expenses even if I had to argue with senior leadership to get it.

people should not be subsiding employee well-being and morale through their own pocket. Not on at all. We go to work to earn money, not to do our employers or colleagues favours. That can be reserved for the few colleagues we actua
ly make genuine friendships with.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2025 13:42

It seems like you were the one doing it and nobody was fussed enough to think who might do it for you.
When I worked, there was always someone officially tasked with organising gifts if/when it was appropriate. And the office would supply the card, and a small gift, then a collection goes round and they gift it with drinks? If nothing like that happens then fine. But yeah, very selfish of them. Definitely no more effort from you.

Sassysoonwins · 15/02/2025 13:46

Well put Marshbird. Whilst it can be nice in small teams, I find it's too much for every birthday etc. OP it's rubbisb that it came to your big birthday to find out, but work colleagues aren't friends. Hope you had a lovely time with family and friends though.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/02/2025 13:47

Hurtful but also odd. Who is in charge of making these collections happen? That person may not have you on their list. Or maybe other people with big birthdays coming up keep on reminding their colleagues until the card and present appear.

verycloakanddaggers · 15/02/2025 13:49

I think people don't always have time and spare cash. Plus you get some in teams who want to make a fuss about birthdays and others who want to keep it quiet, there is not one way to live.

So don't read too much into it, it doesn't mean they dislike you. Maybe it is just not a priority for many people, either for their own birthday or for yours.

Pinkpillow7 · 15/02/2025 14:02

Vaxtable · 14/02/2025 14:15

tbh I would be saying something to your manager, namely that you are very hurt by your colleagues inaction and that you won’t be organising or taking part in any collections in the future

i remember when I was at work we got a presentation and gift when we reached 25 years, the manager however was an absolute bastard and didn’t do one for me. In the end I just asked him why not and who I should complain to about being treated differently.

Wow good for you! What did he say?

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 14:10

This is the problem with being The Organiser. When it comes to your birthday, nobody thinks to take on the job.

LongDarkTeatime · 15/02/2025 14:17

Happy Birthday belatedly 🧁
Similar happened to me. We’re a large team, split into smaller units, I’m on my own as a specialist. I’m always asked to contribute to others but have never had even a card back. Recently felt awkward going out of my way to let people know a big birthday was coming up, still nothing.
I’ve considered no longer contributing but it feels too mean. As others have said, I really don’t think it’s malicious just a lack of thought.

Ihopeyouhavent · 15/02/2025 14:18

Ahhh im so sorry. Sadly its just one person that organises birthdays, it was the same where i worked and it really sucks.

Happyhettie · 15/02/2025 14:19

I’m really sorry that happened to you. It’s rubbish.

Same thing happened for my 40th. I’ve always put in for other people or organised the gifts and when it was my 40th not one person remembered. It was awful.

The worse bit was not that it was forgotten but when they realised there was then an emergency collection and card written by one person that said “With love from all your friends at …..”. Everyone was mortified they’d missed it but it was utterly, utterly humiliating.

And I still feel the embarrassment every time there is a collection / something massive is done to celebrate someone’s 40th / 50th or whatever. Nobody was bothered to remember mine. And I know a couple of my colleagues remember as they’ve said before how awful it was that they’d forgotten. I’d much rather nobody remembered it and it was never spoken of again. I am still upset over it. My family hadn’t done anything either and I had mistakenly thought I was really close with some of my colleagues. But hey ho.

Last year I counted up and if I had put in £5 for all the collections last year, I would have spent £95.

Happyhettie · 15/02/2025 14:20
Happy Birthday GIF by Jelene

So on behalf of us forgotten birthday people…

zaxxon · 15/02/2025 14:21

YANBU. Get yourself a beautiful small cake, cut it into slices, put it on your desk and then eat all the slices yourself over the course of the day

Justsayit123 · 15/02/2025 14:41

What a bunch of bastards. Stop doing cards etc hereon.

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 15/02/2025 14:48

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 13:29

let me swing this the other way round (ok, it a bit of clutch at straws as you’re right to feel pissed off)

In places I worked we operated unwritten rule of no presents except leaving present collection, wedding and maternity (stuff for baby) . Birthdays were bring in your own birthday cakes or food to share. so if you wanted your colleagues to celebrate with you being your own food in! Even for big birthdays. Yep there’d be a card sent round, but usually someone would “make one” from a bit of playing around on the computer with something jokey amd relevent to that colleague. We would do a secret Santa but the £ was capped very low and people needed to be creative. We had a lot of homemade stuff with that.

The reason is that doing collections for every birthday, or even big birthdays costs people a lot of money. They feel social pressure to do it. They feel pressured to give more than just loose change, and all those £5 or £3 soon mount up taking money from family budgets. In a lot of offices there are people,like you that want to organise collections to be “kind” but a lot of folks hate it, wish it would stop, and resent their hard earn cash being “taxed” to give present to people they’d not be friends with outside of work, or even people they don’t much like in work. They’d like to spend that money on their own friends, kids or spouse or whoever is their choice. Not yours.

your colleagues and boss not doing a collection means you are likely the lone voice here wanting to do this. Every time you’ve done the whip round they’ve been at best just going along to be seen as nice, or actively resenting it, consider it a waste of money ( dare I say particualrly men who don’t put as big a value on these kind gestures typically ). So, naturally they’ve not done it for you. They want it, and you, to stop.

so, if that’s correct, stop. You’ve “read the room” incorrectly. Individuals were probably delighted to be gifted, but still want it to stop.

If you still think giving a card is nice, then do 2 things. Talk to your colleagues to ask if they’d like to have cards, or how they’d like to recognise birthdays if at all. Let everyone decide. If they say yes they’d like to still give cards, publish a list of birthdays so reminders in the whole teams diary, and come up with system on how to buy/create the necessary cards- frankly making them is a darn site less expensive and quick , just needs someone to spend 15 mins of lunch break messing around on computer.

do the bring your own cake thing. Means you won’t be forgotten. If people aren’t fussed celebrating their birthday (and a lot of folks aren’t) they don’t bring . Simples

I am not the lone voice as I don’t organise them all. I can’t be clearer on that.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 15/02/2025 17:49

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 13:37

I would add, that I also mamanger teams at various times.
There were team leaders that’d buy presents at Xmas or other times for their team members . I was to.d on a number of occasions it was expected as a boss
My view was sod that. I wasn’t paid enough to fund the company’s R and R programme for their employees out of my own pocket and expense. If the company wanted to make their employees feel valued with Xmas presents etc, then they can expect an expense claim from me.

I did a lot of other team R and R with my teams. I fought for it sometimes after a period of hard work and long hours they’d give. But it was always through expenses even if I had to argue with senior leadership to get it.

people should not be subsiding employee well-being and morale through their own pocket. Not on at all. We go to work to earn money, not to do our employers or colleagues favours. That can be reserved for the few colleagues we actua
ly make genuine friendships with.

If they all feel like that they should be speaking up. And not accepting the money/presents on their own birthdays. They’re either thoughtless and selfish or are pretty pathetic! It’s not fair to suddenly decide to stop without notice- especially on someone’s significant birthday. Nobody HAS to join in with birthdays. I’ve worked plenty of places where people have said they didn’t want to join in, and that was fine.

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 17:52

How do people know what celebrations are coming up?

I had wondered if it was always you organising them but since it’s not I wouldn’t plan any more collections for others or contribute.

StMarie4me · 15/02/2025 17:55

Very thoughtless and hurtful OP. I had similar one year and it still smarts now.

But happy 40th from a complete stranger in the net! 🎂

WhatIsCorndogs · 15/02/2025 18:10

I had a similar thing for my 30th, I mentioned it afterwards and got a hurriedly sent amazon voucher (I am against amazon for ethical reasons). It hurt, especially since my birthday is over Christmas and always forgotten. Since then, I've taken a step back and no longer sign any cards or get involved in birthday celebrations.

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 20:59

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 15/02/2025 14:48

I am not the lone voice as I don’t organise them all. I can’t be clearer on that.

Fair enough. As I said I was just swinging it round the other way,

still think it’s worth a topic on your next team meeting to actually find out what people want to do?

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 15/02/2025 21:13

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 20:59

Fair enough. As I said I was just swinging it round the other way,

still think it’s worth a topic on your next team meeting to actually find out what people want to do?

Tbh I’m not bringing it up. I’ll just not be parting with any cash henceforth 😂

OP posts:
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