How to handle 8yo DS who does not listen?

[Springsunshine123]

Looking for a bit of advice.

Just had a terrible morning trying to get my 8yo DS to school. He doesnt listen well at the best of times (but does in public etc when he really has to) I have had a full morning of him doing anything but get ready! Spending his time back chatting me, copying, answering back and tourmenting his little sister instead of doing what he is asked ie, eat his breakfast, get dressed, brush his teeth, put shoes on , coat etc. Im left in tears and he left in tears! This is most mornings. He now has a screen ban but does not care. HELP!

Is he dyslexic?

Follow him round like a drill sergeant for a couple of days and he will soon get the message.

Any infractions, come down on him like a ton of bricks.

No concerns raised by his School. I have had some concerns about his reading but School insist he will “get there”. His Dad is dyslexic and it has crossed my mind.

He is very well behaved in school and would not dream of not listening to a teacher or back chatting a teacher…. Just me!

He probably behaves at school because they don't accept that crap. Why are you letting your child mock you?! Toughen up.

I dont let him! He does it no matter what punishment / row / loss of privileges he recieves! It’s tough work every single morning having to constantly battle with him! His little sister does not act like this at all. Thats why ive come here for advice. I dont “let” my children trample all over me thank you!

He is not left to his own devices to be allowed to mock me! He is given a row, told not to, and given consequences! It continues regardless

I never understand the people who say I “let” my kids do xyz. Short of physical abuse my kids have some things they do either because they can’t help it or because they’ve done the risk/reward math and choose the bad behaviour.

Have you tried collaborative problem solving (the explosive child was the book recommended to me)? The other tip that’s helped us with morning delays is going to bed earlier and, if needed, waking up earlier.

I did not initially use the word “let” i was replying to Ablondiebutagoodie who assumed I “let” him mock me. Thank you for the recommendation

I have this every morning. Its draining all the time. Roll on half term next week.

Only thing I can suggest is the 3 strikes and you are out method. Ask 3 times and if not done, a privilege is taken away. Follow through with taken the privilege away to as this was our downfall. Also find the one thing that matters to your DS (my DS it is Switch time). We have a little whiteboard he can tick each day he is behaved and can earn Swtich time. If he gets a '3 strikes and out' then he doesnt get that tick for the day....no matter how well behaved he is from then on out.

Edit to add - I know you said taking screen away doesn't work but I found the whiteboard visual great for my DS to understand that it actually did mean taken away.

Thank you so much for your helpful reply :) x

If he is not listening, first check that he can hear, especially as you have been told his reading is delayed. Imagine being 8 years old and genuinely missing some of what you are told and then being punished for it. It’s worth doing an eyesight check as well as young children focus better when they see well.

Once that is eliminated, you need to teach him how to actively listen. To stop what he is doing, look at you, put everything down, turn off background distractions. You tell him what he needs to know and he repeats it back then does it. Give him one instruction at a time first then extend it to two, but make sure he knows there are two things to do and that you give them in the order to be done. These need to be actual actions rather than a vague instruction that hides lots of steps, like “get ready” or “tidy up”.

Use visuals to support this, so a checklist of what needs to be done in the morning, what he needs in his bag etc.

Discuss with school the possibility of an underlying need if this doesn’t work and you e eliminated hearing and vision difficulties. Could be any one of a number of things that may have auditory processing and/or disorganisation as part of the typical profile. Even if he has, or you suspect he has, an additional need that is not a free pass to allow the disrespectful behaviour. Whatever reward you give for following instructions, do not take away points or whatever earned when he misbehaves - that needs a separate sanction - otherwise he will quickly learn that they are not worth earning.

Is he also equally disrespectful of his DF? If not, it may also be worth considering what models of behaviour he sees (in real life and on-screen, including TV) of how men and boys treat women and girls.

Thank you. He is particularly disrespectful to his father as he does get away with it from my DH. I think this is the biggest part of the problem , DH very laid back “leave the boy alone its just his age” attitude, never seen husband actively discipline any of the children it is always up yo me. We tolerate very different behaviours, talking in a disrespectful way really is not tolerated by me, but DH doesnt seem to care.

I'm think you need a conversation with your DH first of all. If he really thinks it's ok to tolerate disrespect from your son, you can't change that. What you can do is, is set out what you expect from him as a your partner and your sons other parent, and that needs to start with him agreeing not to undermine you when you are dealing with your son.

Also, might sound daft, but how do you sound and look when you're dealing with your son when he's being disrespectful? Might be worth rehearsing a strong, calm voice and what you're going to say next time, so you're prepped. If he's ground you down to tears, you might not be sounding like the boss.

Good luck OP

Does he really not care about a screen ban? He might this afternoon when it hits.

This behaviour does start around 8/9 - they think they are more grown up than they are, resent being told what to do, still want our attention, even negative attention can be a win for them. They don't need as much physical help from us as when younger with doing hair, shoelaces etc, but still crave that connection, if they get into an argument with you they have your focus.
We had this battle with my daughter every day, but no matter the consequences given it got worse rather than better.
We are fortunate in that DH and i both mainly work from home but have our allocated day for school runs. One day I said to DD1, 'i will be leaving at 8.30 on the dot with DD1, if you are not ready that's fine, I will take DD2 in and let school know you will be a bit late'. There was no other engagement, no response to her shouts and moans, no threats of consequences, and I went without her, then came back (we only live 5 mins from school) and she was standing ready waiting to go, still got in on time as her year group start 10 mins later than DD2's, bit she was worried about getting in trouble
Since then, she is ready bag packed coat and shoes on by 8.25 every day with no more than 1 prompt from us.
That might not work for you, but the principle is there, stop reacting to him not doing what's asked, just let him know 'that's fine, I will let your teacher know you will be late and why'. Which isn't great for your younger one to be late, but let it happen once and it's unlikely to happen again, as you said, he won't want to get in trouble with school.

You and DH do need to get on the same page though. Agree between you what is acceptable and stick to it, if you don't it definitely won't improve, your son is testing to see where the boundaries are, if if there isn't a clear household boundary of what is ok and not ok, he will just keep pushing

Yes, I was going to say let him be late and tell his teacher that it was his fault that he is late and that he made his sister late too. We used to keep kids in at break if they were late, but that was high school - not sure what they do at primary school because often it isn't the child's (or anyone's) fault - but if they KNOW he is taking the piss at home in the mornings, they might keep him in.