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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How soon is too soon for kids to meet their dads new girlfriend

19 replies

PandaPopsie · 14/02/2025 02:48

Hi, so my ex husband and I split up 2 years ago, we have 2 kids who are 4 and 6 and have a great co-parenting relationship. Currently we do 50/50 custody. He has the kids Monday after school until Wednesday before school, I pick them up on Wednesday and have them until school drop off on Friday then we alternate weekends which involves having them from school end on Friday until Monday before school. Holidays we split slightly different, in that for Christmas one of us have them the first week and one the second week, alternating each year. This means that Christmas this year I didn’t get the kids at all but it makes sense as we both want to take the kids to see our family over Christmas so we couldn’t do the traditional one get Christmas Eve and morning other gets afternoon and Boxing Day anyway. Easter means whichever parent didn’t get Christmas gets the week Easter falls on and the other has the other week. He will have all of February half term as he takes the kids skiing, I get all of May half term as my family always go to the Isle of Wight that week and for October half term so far we have just kept the normal split we use in term time. Summer is I get the first week, he gets the next two, I get the two after that and he gets the last one, this lets us both take the kids on a holiday if we want to. Anyway everything is working really well, we don’t really see each other in person much as most of the handover is done through school pick up and drop off but that’s fine. It’s brought me a lot of comfort that we have a good and stable method. He also covers all the wraparound care costs, even on the days I should have the kids. We agreed on this because he makes more but we don’t do any maintenance.

Anyway I might have gone on a bit of tangent there but just providing context.

Tonight my ex sent me a message, he explained that he has been seeing someone for 6 months, but the person he is seeing is actually someone he dated for over a year back before we were together. He told me she has 2 kids as well who are 3 and 5 and while it’s not a rush, he would like to introduce the kids to her in the near future. He explained he is happy to discuss it with me in person or over the phone and wants my involvement as he doesn’t want this to hurt the kids in anyway. We spoke on the phone briefly and he said that he has met her kids briefly already but they would like to be able to see more of each other (currently only see one and other every other weekend as her kids dad has them every other weekend). I asked what his plan is and he said that he isn’t sure yet and would like my input, but for her kids he met them by just nipping in one night, he said it wasn’t intentional he was just going in as she needed help with something in the house but it made it very casual. He explained that he would like to get to the point that they could all meet up to go to soft play or park on the weekend sometimes but promised he would still spend most of his weekend with the kids just with the kids. He also pointed out it’s more likely to be her kids seeing more of him as they’d like for him to be able to say go over on a Thursday night and stay. I told him I’d have a think and we could discuss it better after that.

Now I’m terrified, I’ve heard so many horror stories of co-parenting going pear shaped when new partners get involved, blended families being a nightmare etc. Also of dads neglecting their own kids for their new partner. I really don’t want to rock the boat as everything works so well and I really don’t want my kids getting hurt.

I told some of my friends and I’ve had mixed replies of “just trust him, 6 months is plenty and he knew her before so she’s not a stranger” to “6 months is too soon, tell him you’d rather wait until it’s been a year”. He’s a great dad and I do trust him I just don’t know how soon is too soon in these circumstances.

I’m also not sure what the best way for them to meet her when the time comes is, and as he has asked for my input I feel like I should take the opportunity to suggest ideas that make me the least uncomfortable. I’ve been dreading this happening and been silently hoping it wouldn’t so I don’t really have anything in mind.

So AIBU to be so terrified about this?

Does anyone with any experience have advice on the best way for this to happen? Is 6 months too soon, should I ask he wait a bit longer? Please just gave me any advice as I really don’t want to ruin this co-parenting relationship!

OP posts:

Downwiththecrumpets81 · 14/02/2025 03:02

I think 6 months is fine, especially if he knew her before. It sounds like he’s being really considerate and giving you the heads up, and even asking for your thoughts and input. I know this is hard, and it’s human nature to want to protect your kids, but this is just a normal part of life moving on after separation or divorce. I think the only thing you can suggest to your ex is for him to take it slowly re the kids, and check in with them about how they are feeling regularly.

Yes ultimately there is the possibility that they may not work out long term, and that will potentially be upsetting for your kids, but there’s no way of knowing that. The important thing is they two committed and loving parents, which it sounds like they do.

Abigaillovesholidays · 14/02/2025 03:05

It sounds like you have a great co parenting relationship, so I'm sure you can navigate this.
Although he knew her previously, that is different to being in a relationship. It is still early days for his relationship, so ideally, he would wait a bit longer til he knows where this new relationship is going to make sure this new person will be around for a while.

Joystir59 · 14/02/2025 03:07

How about suggesting that the three of you meet up- you get to know the new partner and vice versa and you all have an open talk about how co- parenting all of your children will work. Then you will have an understanding of new partner's attitude, etc

Original poster

PandaPopsie · 14/02/2025 03:10

Abigaillovesholidays · 14/02/2025 03:05

Yeah, some of my friends said this too, others disagreed saying they have dated before so unlikely they will deal with any big surprises.

I guess I just don’t know how long I should ask him to wait? As in theory I could say until 12 months but they could still break up after that, it’s not fool proof?

How long do you suggest?

OP posts:

Crazycatlady79 · 14/02/2025 03:10

I think being terrified is ridiculous, but I would be cautious in this position.
He may know her really well, but there are 4 young children within this dynamic.
He's running it by you, which is considerate, and it is a good sign on the one hand, but it is primarily because he wishes to spend more time with his girlfriend, so it's not exactly selfless.
Another adult and their children will affect the co-parenting relationship and will impact upon your children's time with their father.
Ultimately, it's not something you can veto, and it's a good sign that he's spoken to you about this, but even in the best case scenarios, it's disruptive at best for the children involved.

Original poster

PandaPopsie · 14/02/2025 03:11

Joystir59 · 14/02/2025 03:07

I’m not sure how easy this would be considering we all have kids, inevitably the kids would have to be there and I guess her ex too if he wanted to be?

OP posts:

thatringoffire · 14/02/2025 03:13

You've got a good relationship with him and it sounds like he's very respectful of you.

The problem I see is that if you say you want him to leave it longer, it could potentially cause a rift or resentment between you or, he could do it behind your back.

Six months is long enough and you're lucky he's asked!

Joystir59 · 14/02/2025 03:14

I just think the parents in these situations should be able to work out the best way to parent shared children together. Couldn't the kids be looked after by family/baby sitters when these meetings take place?

Original poster

PandaPopsie · 14/02/2025 03:17

Joystir59 · 14/02/2025 03:14

I guess we could get a babysitter, but neither my ex or I have family local and haven’t actually used a babysitter at all. I could also possibly ask a friend I guess.

I do know of her, and I actually did message one of our mutual friends when he told me who knew her when they were first dating and she said that she is lovely and I have nothing to worry about.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 14/02/2025 03:21

I would consider the stresses in the life of your 4 year old and choose a time when she is settled at school and not coping with too many new things. Only you two know the best time.

Ideally keep the meet ups infrequent, short and casual until he is forming a permanent relationship.

JMSA · 14/02/2025 03:21

A lot of unnecessary detail there, but I do think your ex sounds great and more emotionally intelligent than many men out there! I totally understand your reticence as well though.
I hope it all works out ok.

McSpoot · 14/02/2025 03:26

Does he get to tell you when you can introduce your (potential) new boyfriend in the future?

Ferrazzuoli · 14/02/2025 03:33

I think 6 months is pretty reasonable, and it's great that he is being open and transparent with you. I get that you're worried, but as you have such a good co parenting relationship I think you should reply and say that you trust him to do it in a way that is calm and positive and then leave him to it.

Ilovelurchers · 14/02/2025 03:54

I would try not to make this into a bigger deal than is necessary.

Your children are not (I would hope!) going to be introduced to this woman as some kind of new parent figure/substitute mum. She is dad's girlfriend - no real difference to meeting any other of dad's friends, other than she may stay for a few more sleep overs.

I think people often over dramatise this type of situation massively.

Would you worry about your kids meeting his new best friend he met at his hobby, in case they get attached and then he falls out with the friend?

No? So new girlfriend shouldn't be any different. Just a woman who is around occasionally. Hopefully not too much at this stage - as he only has about 50% custody he has plenty of time to see her when the kids are with you - I am not saying he shouldn't ever have her over when he has your kids, but I assume she won't be a permanent fixture at this stage ....

A bit different of course if they ever get to the point of blending families. But that would be a long way off, I would hope......

Purpleturtle46 · 14/02/2025 05:54

It sounds like you are both excellent at co-parenting and he has shown you a huge level of respect by talking it through with you so it doesn't seem like you have cause for concern. I think it's lovely he has preempted some possible worries and reassured you already. 6 months is reasonable. It's obviously a big chance so it's normal to feel apprehensive but I don't think you need to be terrified.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2025 06:27

Why not say you trust him to put dc best interests first, just maybe a heads up when he does choose to do it so when dc come back to you you know what they're talking about.

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2025 06:36

Why did they split the last time? Is it something likely to come up again?

Original poster

PandaPopsie · 14/02/2025 06:58

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2025 06:36

Why did they split the last time? Is it something likely to come up again?

She moved to America for 2 years I believe.

OP posts:

SapphireOpal · 14/02/2025 07:03

Honestly? You have no good reason to say no and you risk souring a good co-parenting relationship for no good reason if you try to make him wait til 12 months.

Don't overthink it. He's waited 6 months and at that age they won't even get the significance of the relationship - she's Daddy's friend who they go to soft play with sometimes.

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