Exs new partner

dadofone24 · 2025-02-13T18:18:55+00:00

Hi can I start by saying I am actually a father not mother but unsure where I can get more advice on this. Me and my ex wife have been seperated for 6 years now and she has a new partner. My 9 year old son who we have joint custody of has told me he often sleeps in bed alone with her partner and cuddle in just their underwear and he has allowed him to have some of his beer on occasions? I am not happy at all about this and would like the opinions of people on here. My ex wife seems to think it is ok as he is another father figure. However this is my son and I do not like the idea of him being in my bed with my child. She said he is exaggerating regarding the beer comment and it is just sips but that alone is enough for me to be angry?

Katemax82 · 13/02/2025 18:21

Tell social services

Turbo4 · 13/02/2025 18:22

How long has she been with the new partner?

Moier · 13/02/2025 18:22

Gosh this is wrong on all levels.
It needs to stop.

Original poster

dadofone24 · 13/02/2025 18:24

Turbo4 · 13/02/2025 18:22

How long has she been with the new partner?

They have been together 5 years so I had no problem with him being around my son. But I do not like the fact she is allowing him to sleep in bed with my son in his underwear I feel that is over stepping a line. I certainly wouldn’t sleep in a bed with my step son in just our boxers!

OP posts:

Meadowfinch · 13/02/2025 18:24

I wouldn't be happy either.

The introduction of a new partner is very dangerous for a small child, and your ex is a naive fool if she thinks it can't happen.

Likewise the beer is not ok for such a small child.

A firm conversation with your ex, making it clear you will go back to court if she doesn't take your concerns seriously ?

Runmybathforme · 13/02/2025 18:25

This is all kinds of wrong, your ex can’t be trusted to look out for your child. Deeply suspicious of the boyfriend, no decent man would do that.

toomanytocount2025 · 13/02/2025 18:25

Absolutely not!

If she's in bed and he climbs in in the middle of the night well that's a bit harder to sort out. But in bed with some bloke cuddling. That's a big fat no!

The beer to a 9 year old. Sips or not! It's even pushing it to let him have a sip on new years one time. If he was a teenager like 14/15 then yeah a sip now and then as let's face it he would probably be drinking in the park with his mates but Christ alive a 9 year old!

Yes I know some cultures allow child drinking when having a meal and I am from a background of that but even I'm against a 9 year old having sips off some bloke

toomanytocount2025 · 13/02/2025 18:26

toomanytocount2025 · 13/02/2025 18:25

Absolutely not!

If she's in bed and he climbs in in the middle of the night well that's a bit harder to sort out. But in bed with some bloke cuddling. That's a big fat no!

The beer to a 9 year old. Sips or not! It's even pushing it to let him have a sip on new years one time. If he was a teenager like 14/15 then yeah a sip now and then as let's face it he would probably be drinking in the park with his mates but Christ alive a 9 year old!

Yes I know some cultures allow child drinking when having a meal and I am from a background of that but even I'm against a 9 year old having sips off some bloke

Just seen your update that they have been together 5 years so even though he's not just some bloke my comments still stand

soarklyknobs · 13/02/2025 18:28

You could use Sarah's Law to find out if the guy has any previous sexual offences, though as so few are reported that's not a catch all.

You could also speak to the safeguarding team at your child's school and tell them what your son has told you and see if he's said anything at school.

Finally, you could apply for 50% custody, if you don't already have it, to minimise the amount of time your child is spending with this man.

However, I would speak to your ex before you do any of the above and say that whilst you recognise you can't dictate what she does in her own home, you do want to maintain the safety of your child and if she doesn't stop the bed-sharing and alcohol "sips" you'll be taking the steps above.

Original poster

dadofone24 · 13/02/2025 18:31

toomanytocount2025 · 13/02/2025 18:25

Absolutely not!

If she's in bed and he climbs in in the middle of the night well that's a bit harder to sort out. But in bed with some bloke cuddling. That's a big fat no!

The beer to a 9 year old. Sips or not! It's even pushing it to let him have a sip on new years one time. If he was a teenager like 14/15 then yeah a sip now and then as let's face it he would probably be drinking in the park with his mates but Christ alive a 9 year old!

Yes I know some cultures allow child drinking when having a meal and I am from a background of that but even I'm against a 9 year old having sips off some bloke

Yes I agree. My son is an innocent child he doesn’t realise it is wrong. When his mum went on work trips and I wasn’t even aware my son has stayed home with him and they shared a bed. I am not accusing him of anything further but as a man I would not do that so curious to know if you would allow this for your children before addressing this with her as I am very unhappy right now

OP posts:

Hayley1256 · 13/02/2025 19:37

TBH I would keep him with you until you can be assured this does not continue. You need to report this to school and social services as this does not sound OK- you have a duty of care to protect him. Tell his mum that she can visit him at yours until the issue is resolved. A professional needs to talk to your son and find out what is happening

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 19:52

No, it isn’t ok. He has been around for quite a while and whilst you could understand a young child getting into bed in the middle of the night to be near his mum, it should not be happening when he is alone with this man. I do not like the way your son described them cuddling either.

Also unsure as to why she would be leaving him with her partner when she goes away instead of asking you to have him, that stops immediately.

No 9 year old child should be given beer, sips or not.

Original poster

dadofone24 · 13/02/2025 20:45

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 19:52

No, it isn’t ok. He has been around for quite a while and whilst you could understand a young child getting into bed in the middle of the night to be near his mum, it should not be happening when he is alone with this man. I do not like the way your son described them cuddling either.

Also unsure as to why she would be leaving him with her partner when she goes away instead of asking you to have him, that stops immediately.

No 9 year old child should be given beer, sips or not.

My thoughts exactly.

OP posts:

Endofyear · 13/02/2025 22:28

dadofone24 · 13/02/2025 18:31

Yes I agree. My son is an innocent child he doesn’t realise it is wrong. When his mum went on work trips and I wasn’t even aware my son has stayed home with him and they shared a bed. I am not accusing him of anything further but as a man I would not do that so curious to know if you would allow this for your children before addressing this with her as I am very unhappy right now

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Is your son getting into bed with him in the night after a bad dream or does he routinely sleep in his mum's bed? At 9 he's a little old to be not staying in his own bed. The sips of beer I wouldn't be thrilled about but it's probably not something that would be regarded as a safeguarding issue by social services. The bedsharing is more concerning. I would be having a serious conversation with your ex and tell her it must not happen again or you'll be involving social services.