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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Want To Quit My Band

6 replies

SortYourselfOut · 13/02/2025 14:07

Not a new poster, NC as post could be a bit outing.
I have been a member of a successful band for a number of years - we perform in large theatres, at festivals and that kind of thing.
I'm in my mid 50's now and - honestly - it's all getting a bit much for me. There is a lot of travelling, traipsing up and down the UK and Europe. It's knackering at times, the couple of hours on stage is wonderful but everything that comes with it is not. I'm also the 'unofficial' manager and so I'm the one who deals with the venues, agents, promoters, the money all comes to me and then I pay out to everyone else. I sometimes need to find stand in musicians and it's all getting on top of me.
I miss working a so called 'proper' job ! I have a hankering to work in the event planning industry, weddings and large scale events, parties etc. I have multiple transferrable skills that could be of use in that area ... but I know me and I know I can start things and then regret it later. I have been thinking of packing in the band for some time, however - at least a year.
Does anyone have any advice for me ? What questions should I ask myself before I take the plunge and do something I may potentially regret ?
I've seen several jobs advertised that are very local to me that tick a lot of boxes - I may just apply for them anyway but how will I know that I am really doing the right thing ?

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 13/02/2025 15:29

You’re not unreasonable at all - touring is ROUGH. If you have opportunity to venture into new pastures and try something you’re interested in absolutely do it. Your band can fill your slot and keep going with a replacement. It happens all the time. Oftentimes the member that left can/will rejoin after hiatus when the stars align that way.

You’ve got to take care of yourself. New business ventures are exciting and teach you all sorts of new things too. Go for it!

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 13/02/2025 15:32

Have you considered getting a manger? They would take over a lot of the drudgery leaving you with the more pleasant tasks. Yes they take their cut but they would take away a lot of the pressure and admin.

dreamingofpalms · 13/02/2025 15:37

Everyone has the right to leave a job if it's not working for you anymore. It sounds like you need a change. Any change is a leap into the unknown, but with a bit of luck and planning, should be fulfilling. I would apply for the jobs, then when something suitable is offered, hand in your notice to the band. Nobody is irreplaceable and they should find someone else. Do you have any sort of contract of employment with them? It sounds like you're going above and beyond what everyone else does (are you paid extra for that?)

LadysMantle · 13/02/2025 15:40

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 13/02/2025 15:32

Have you considered getting a manger? They would take over a lot of the drudgery leaving you with the more pleasant tasks. Yes they take their cut but they would take away a lot of the pressure and admin.

Yes, that occurred to me, as a less drastic step than quitting. Or telling your band mates you’re no longer up for being the unofficial manager so you need to collectively come up with an alternative plan.

Or do you really want to quit outright?

Ghostlights · 13/02/2025 16:33

As the the 'unofficial' manager are you getting paid for that work? Probably not.
So immediately, give notice that others need to start taking on some of that or get a manager in.
Is the band only doing OK financially by short changing you with that? If yes, then your answer is there to some extent - the set up is too fragile to rely on indefinitely.

If no, then why are you allowing it? (There are always reasons, many are character 'issues' that may be worth taking note of)

Loyalty is a good thing but unless you're the well known lead singer, then frankly you are replaceable, even if you've been propping up the show by doing the grunt work.

Unfortunately you sound like you probably wont really know if you're doing the right thing or not until after you've done it.

But some ideas or things to ask yourself:

Do you/they at any level rely on grant money either directly or indirectly in terms of who books/employs you? A lot of opportunities are going to get slimmer or disappear in the future which could be a reason to jump now, or one to carry on while you still can.

What's your pension/savings or S/O's situation - do you need to do something about it? Or conversely - is it too late anyway?

Are you all of the same rough age, and dependent on the continuation of one individual fronting you, or more equal in individual importance/lack of it?
If the former; how long will they be able to keep at it?

Are you schlepping individually - are you in a position to look at a tour bus with manager/driver? Would it make a difference? (either way the answer is worth noting)

Is next stage of age likely to affect playing ability (yours or frontsperson) ie embouchure going south/ mild arthritis developing in wrists fingers etc. If you got told you've got four years left that you could still play, would it change your decision?

Do you have other avenues open to play for the love of it in? (coming of the road doesn't have to mean quitting all together)

Is being a jobbing musician actually a big part of your identity? How much do you take that for granted? Being less 'FOH' may turn out to be challenging if you're used to 'commanding' an audience, and performing to people who generally turn up wanting to like you, rather than just getting on with providing a less direct service. On the other hand if you're third trombone on the brass section, perhaps less so.

Is there any chance you have ADHD - many musicians do and can get it together for a targeted task that is all they've ever done but struggle without the right impetus.

The schlepping up and down is getting you, but will being more confined to a smaller area also get you after a bit?

Is the band well known enough to be useful as a stepping stone if a new career didn't work out?

Are you in a position to create a small pool of session musicians that could cover some gigs and allow you to try out another life while keeping your toe in, still helping out on the management side to give you the 'right' as it where?

Snowmanscarf · 13/02/2025 16:50

You won’t be the first band member ever to want to quit a band , eg Robbie Williams and Gerri Halliwell to name a couple.

Do you have commitments this year? Maybe let your band members know that you won’t be part of the band after xyz festival, and you will be relinquishing your managers role from April. That will give you time to hand over the ropes to someone else.

Are you the main singer or musician? I always think the musicians are easier to replace than the singer. Saw Wet Wet Wet a couple of years ago, and without Marti Pellow, it felt like a tribute band.

(Have we heard of your band? What genre?)

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