NC Sister wants updates on Dads Condition

[Unorganisedchaos2]

Five years ago my Dad (separated form Mum) had a stroke, my sister (who lives 2 hours away) initially came down and quite forcefully insisted she speak with everyone involved in care, started clearing out his house, start making arrangements for when he was discharged etc, no issues there I had a baby and job I was happy of the help. Then suddenly a month later with no warning she decided she no longer wanted a relationship with him, didn't want any updates on his condition and she didn’t want him to know about her recently announced pregnancy and if anyone (care givers, family, hospital etc) asked me why I was to tell them to mind their business, she didn’t even tell them (or me initially) just stopped responding until they got the hint and contacted me. In anger I asked her if I should tell he when she died and she said "no, why would I want to know"

This left me in the soup as some of the arrangements she had made for his care were unsustainable (in hindsight she hadn't done a good job but was very controlling and refused to organise anything together it was very all or nothing) so I had to make other arrangements explain to people why they need to contact me as she was just refusing to communicate with anyone, it was all so odd but she refused to elaborate further.

We muddled through fine and Dad made a good recovery, it was awkward for me though, for example a few years later she was going to attend DD's birthday party with her DC (she knew Dad was going to too and that he didn’t know her DC existed) and apparently was going let him learn that she had a child in our local village hall in front of 30 other people - her plan was to avoid him and tell anyone who questioned it to mind their own business?? I put my foot down and said she must tell him or not come as I didn't want a scene, she did call him and tell him but it was still very awkward and odd.

It's also come to light that she started telling really strange lies, one was that he wasn’t her biological Dad, I've no idea where this come from or what she thought it would achieve and she obviously forgot the ancestry DNA tests we all did years ago that clearly show he is our Dad. She has also claimed he borrowed thousands of pounds and never paid it back, again this is totally untrue having previously borrowed from him and despite refusing to have any contact would accept birthday and Christmas cards with money in for years before Dad got the hint.

Since then nearly every time I spent time with her, she has brought up Dad and how she's confident in her decision and she has no issues explaining to her child they have a grandad but they'll never meet him. It's really odd as I would never bring it up as I don’t see the point after all this time and I'm always left wondering how the conversation went that way, the last time I snapped and said "why do keep bringing this up, what do you want me to say?" but again she wouldn't elaborate.

A month ago Dad had another stroke and unfortunately wasn’t found for a few hours so the long term prognosis of isn't as good as last time, we had to call my Mum to look after DD and she called my sister and told her - no issues there at all, but now she is texting me every day to ask for updates - which I duly provide. I would never refuse to keep her updated its still her Dad but a petty part of me really begrudges it - she's made it clear she still doesn’t want any relationship with him why does she need daily updates on his condition?

Im being a bitch arent I?

"Whatever has happened you have to accept that she must have a good reason for this"

Really not a given. She could have a completely batshit reason, as she hasn't deigned to share the reason one can only wonder but crediting her with her having a fully valid reason that is totally understandable is a big assumption. She's hardly behaved well or with consideration for OP or others and now the incongruity continues with a 'NC but I want to know everything' stance.

OP I think you have been more than accommodating of her.

I'd agree -

She found something while going through the house.

Or there is something in their past you and mum don't know about or suspect.

The 'not my father' thing may be a reaction to a memory rather than biology.

This is my vibe too.

If it was a paternity issue as some have suggested surely it would be her Mum she'd have the issue with not her Dad?

Secret extra sibling maybe? 🤔 Whatever 'it' is I do think she is being very unfair not informing OP of the issue.

That's a bit of a stretch, Im sharing very basic health information such as "hes slightly more alert today" with someone who I've obviously checked hes happy for me to share it with it. We had all those awful decisions along with end of life wishes, funeral requests etc years ago when he was first ill.

I'm wondering if she wants to be kept updated because she wants to be able to come clean with you once he's already gone. If we use the secret siblings theory, you can see why she wouldn't want to upset you and your mum while he was still living. But it is something you that have the right to know about. It's all very odd. She very clearly found something. And I think if it was something that made him a danger to your kids, from what you've written she would have told you that. I wonder if the money is related. How do you know for certain that it's untrue that he borrowed money, did she say when this happened?

How sure can you be, are they ever wrong? We have more than 20 shared relatives from both sides including the result showing us as siblings? Its very hard to explain everything but she has a history of making completely unhinged lies to the point that I actually just laughed it off at the time.

I agree that it's likely she found something when clearing the house.

Slightly cynically I'd be wondering if she's keeping an eye on any inheritance

Im struggling to keep up but to answer a few questions:

• Mum is happy to provide updates but it seems spiteful of me to make her go through my mum however much I disagree with her, also not really fair on my mum.
• The hospital have been great but do ask that one relative calls and passes the message on as they'd spend all day fielding calls, I have offered to make a sort of rota where someone calls on a different day but everyone is happy to have updates from me sadly.
• Dad has no property or assets, DH did notice her eyeing up a brass ornament (I cant remember what it was but DD said it would be worth a couple of hundred) and felt the need to make it clear to her that he would know if it was missing, Sister is not a thief but very much of the attitude "you have something and I need it so I should have it" never pays her way, disappears when the bill arrives etc.
• Money has always been an issue, our parents had some money left when they separated and sold the house, from what I can tell sister got a fair chunk of this over a few years and both parents confirmed this as they spoke briefly as they were concerns she was having money troubles and needing so much help. Its very unlikely she was ever in the position to give him money and he never needed it.
• Dad has no property or huge savings (anymore) but is a position to put 200-300 in a birthday card which she accepted long after she had gone NC.
• Any money she has been "lent" seems to been have written off years ago by both parents, I know my Mum is annoyed at this but not enough to address it and Dad is of the view that he cant take it with him and she must have needed it.
• If there are any secret relatives they are not showing on MyAncestry and it would be very strange that no other extended family have noticed too.
• Dad did mention years ago (maybe 10-15 years) that their relationship cooled after he refused to give her a large sum of money (2k) he called my mum at the time because he didnt actually have that amount to give her and he was worried she was in some sort of trouble, Mum tried to speak to sister but she shut down, she did speak to Dad on an off after that and he did keep sending money as gift at Christmas but she didnt ask for a "loan" again.
• Im not naïve enough to think she might have found something but I really dont think she did, it would have had to have been small (it was baking hot day and she was in shorts and t-shirt) and the only item, paper etc on the whole property that concealed this so called secret as we didnt find anything on the further trips to tidy up and clean, she also sat on it for 5 years which is very unlike her.

I dont think I'll ever know, if there is anything to know, which is her choice of course. I carry on with the updates as she asks for them - thanks for the input.

Exactly what I thought. She has her eyes on his cash.

I'm like this - doing the right thing though through gritted teeth. I wonder what her reaction would be if you said, " Excellent news, Dad has made an amazing recovery."

I suspect that your sister cut contact because she realised that your dad really doesn't have much to his name. So no need to put in any effort.

But now his health has worsened, she wants to keep updated just in case there is a bit of cash available.

I'm so sorry that she has behaved in this way. I would keep her updated by text but keep it very brief and factual e.g. "no change today".

My thoughts straight away!

Very interesting you say that as this is my DH's theory, he thinks last time she went in all gun blazing, he started to recover she realised it would be a long haul and she'd bitten off more than she could chew with no sign of a payout at the end.

Honestly though if there's more than a few thousand left after everything has been taken care of If be surprised.

My guess would be money...maybe he has more than he's letting on and ds found out while clearing the house?

That was the first thing that came into my mind as well. Even if it’s not mercenary, perhaps she wants to pretend everything was okay when he dies, so she doesn’t have to feel guilty at cutting contact when he was alive.

If it came out that she was only now interested because there may be a ‘few thousand’ coming her way if he passes (hopefully not), I’d use his money to throw him the grandest funeral and wake possible.

I don’t know if I’d carry on sending daily updates. I might make it every few days . Reply day 1. Day 2 say you could visit him and ask, and repeat.

Prior to this with your dad has she done anything similar ? Is this is a one off situation? You seem convinced she didn't see or find anything and you were there at the time.

I believe she's immature and has form for bat-shit lies which unfortunately immediate family rarely call her out on and almost accept now (why my mum isn't upset about the paternity claims is anyone's guess?)

If she is called out she cuts contact until they apologize and beg for forgiveness - honestly that's a whole other thread, Ive had much counselling to see how unhealthy the dynamic has been and only been brave enough to call her bluff in the past few years myself.

I think that she wanted Dad to repeatedly contact her, send gifts, apologise (what for Im not sure) until she deemed him "forgiven" then she would start to speak to him again, its a cycle Ive seen repeated unfortunately.

I think I would have cut her off after hearing the strange lies she'd been telling.
Unpopular opinion but I think I'd just give her a piece of my mind. She can stop pretending to care, there's no money in the estate and you want nothing to do with her cruel, spiteful, lying self (unless she can give a genuine truthful reason of course). You made a fool of him by not shutting this down. Don't keep secrets from him and conspire to keep him in the dark, while he's sending money and gifts none the wiser.

This is the reality of no contact. You aren't entitled to know anything about the person you cut off. Cut off = dead to you. The fact that she continued to accept money and gifts shows the kind of person she is. I hope your father updates his will so can't come crawling out the woodwork ready to claim any money or possessions and play the grieving daughter.

Unless a close member of your dads family is her father. I didn't do well at science in school

Thank you, just to be clear though Dad knew she cut contact pretty soon - hes not daft but probably hoped that a few cards with money might make a difference, once he found out about the grandchild he said he would send a card a teddy (he had to ask me to pass this on as she refused to give him her address - all previous cards had been sent to me or collected in person which she was happy to ask for) but he wouldn't send any more money. All I could say to him was that that I would pass on anything he wanted - that was all a few years ago now.

DH and Dad occasionally have conversations about sister (again a whole other thread but they have a good relationship and DH gets frustrated with her turning up to parties without even a card, letting people down at the last minute etc as well as the lack of support with Dad)

Ironically Sister would probably gain far more if she had a relationship with Dad now, he's hell bent on leaving no money and we frequently refuse money from him.

Sister is very good at playing the victim so I'll continue with the updates and make it clear that shes free to visit etc but I definitely wont get stressed about it either.

I'm sure your sister found out there is no money and thought I'm not doing something for nothing.

Why don't you just ask her? Like you said you don't want anything to do with dad but now you are asking me for daily updates why is that? Does that mean you want to reconcile with him if so please go and see him in person. If not then I won't be sending you daily updates. You could then maybe decide to say you will inform her of any major changes in his condition ( I personally wouldn't commit to that)