Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a Therapist ...

26 replies

Anon885 · 13/02/2025 08:36

Sorry all, maybe not best placed in AIBU however posting for traffic.
Odd question and I am probably going to look stupid but here goes.
I'm in an abusive relationship. He wants people to think I'm mentally ill.

Nearly 3 years ago (yes he still goes on about this) we went to a Relate Therapist after I discovered he was messaging and sleeping with at least 6 women in the first 8 months of our relationship (we were exclusive and I was pregnant, although unplanned).

He makes things up. Literally argues and shouts about things that haven't happened. For instance I work 30 hours a week and he shouts at me that I have no job and everyone asks him if I'm mentally ill because I don't work (I have a professional NHS job).

This morning I had him shouting at me that I'm mentally ill and we know this because the therapist said so. Apparently the reason I stopped therapy is because she told me I had personality disorder and I couldn't accept it because I've no insight.

We stopped therapy because it was COUPLES therapy, he refused to engage and said he didn't need to be there because there was nothing wrong with him and I needed help. In fact when we turned up at therapy his opening line was "I'm happy to pay for anon to see a psychiatrist so she can get diagnosed". Now apart from the stress he causes me, I have no mental illness, yet he tells people I have. Obviously it's all lies and a Relate Therapist wouldn't diagnose Personality Disorder even if she thought I had it (she would refer on). He doesn't care about this factual information and makes things up as he goes along.

This is where I'm probably going to be unreasonable/look ridiculous, however I'm actually desperate.

Could I ask the therapist I saw to actually write some kind of confirmation that she never diagnosed me with Personality Disorder? I'd pay her. I'm fed up of him throwing it at me and telling others lies.

OP posts:
FallenRaingel · 13/02/2025 08:38

Why aren't you leaving him?

Catza · 13/02/2025 08:38

You can ask but surely leaving him would be a better option...

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/02/2025 08:45

If he was capable of being reasonable he wouldn't be lying like that. There is no point trying to get the therapist to write anything, it will make zero difference to him and his behaviour, at best he'll start lying about someone else diagnosing you with some other mental health issue instead. You either accept this is who he is or you leave, personally Id leave. Trying to make him be reasonable is a pointless waste of time and energy.

Comingupriver · 13/02/2025 08:49

All I could think when reading your post is why are you still there? Get out. Don’t waste another moment of your precious one snd only life with this horror.

JudgeBread · 13/02/2025 08:49

Fuck that, expend whatever energy you have escaping this man, not trying to outdo him. You won't, because he doesn't give a shit about you, the truth or reality.

Organisedwannabe · 13/02/2025 08:53

For what purpose? He knows the truth but makes up shit to control you. To show other people? They don’t matter, what does matter is you getting yourself to a safe place.

Surely he know you have a job but he makes up lies about you being unemployed. The issue isn’t that he doesn’t know the truth.

WhatTheKey · 13/02/2025 08:57

I am sympathetic and sending you hugs but I'm going to be blunt because you sound like you need it.
For God's sake, come on. Why are you considering giving this absolute nutter any more fuel? He doesn't give a shit about what's true and what isn't, why would he care about what the therapist says? And why were you in therapy at all with an abusive man?

If you stay with him, you will have a miserable life battling your partner instead of enjoying a peaceful, loving life. Your child will be irrevocably damaged and you will have chosen your shitty boyfriend over your DC's well-being. Leave him. Yes, he will lie about you. He's doing that anyway. Go.

MagicalMystical · 13/02/2025 08:58

Why are you still with this person?

CherryPopShowerGel · 13/02/2025 08:58

You can ask, and a therapist can certainly write a brief factual letter stating 'I saw you for x number of sessions. I have not diagnosed you with any disorder, and am not qualified or trained to do so', but he will just tell everyone you falsified it if you try use it to fight your corner.

You need to get out. ASAP.

clawmachine · 13/02/2025 08:59

The therapist might not have your information anymore if you haven't seen her for 3 years. Don't they delete it after a certain amount of time because of GDPR?

Regardless, you should try to leave him if you can because he sounds unbearable.

thistlepiedpiper · 13/02/2025 09:00

Catza · 13/02/2025 08:38

You can ask but surely leaving him would be a better option...

This!!!

MissCherryCakeyBun · 13/02/2025 09:02

Please let us know why you are not leaving this abusive narcissist? I know its not easy to do and very stressful, I was in exactly the same position and he sucked the life out of me for 11 years but I finally got brave and left. you MUST leave for the safety of your mental wellbeing and that of your child as they will be hearing and seeing this abusive relationship day in and day out. When I told my daughter I was leaving him (she was 10) she said to me " is it because daddy doesn't love you and is nasty to you all the time" she is 33 now and said to me many times that she cant believe i stayed with him for so long and that she used to secretly hate him for being "nasty" to me.
It wont ever get any better and as they say "Its not you its him"

100A · 13/02/2025 09:03

I don't understand why you're with him at all. Why are you?

Huckyfell · 13/02/2025 09:04

He slept with at least 6 other women in the first 8 months..... really? That wasn't a deal breaker?

rainbowsparkle28 · 13/02/2025 09:05

Forget the therapist - regardless of what you / they do will never be enough for this abusive POS. I would be more focused on getting your ducks in a row and leaving, why are you putting up with this?! You deserve better.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 13/02/2025 09:08

100A · 13/02/2025 09:03

I don't understand why you're with him at all. Why are you?

It'll be money. It's always money.

Women who can't afford to support themselves are destined to live with vile men. And the man knows it and takes full advantage of it.

OP - please just leave. There's more to life than money.

SquirrelSoShiny · 13/02/2025 09:09

He's an abusive man who gaslights you. It's why it's best not to do therapy with an abusive gaslighter. It's better to leave.

mycatsanutter · 13/02/2025 09:13

He is an abusive twat . The only energy you should be using in relation to him is to work out your escape plan . Relationships are supposed to be supportive and fun , this is far from this .

Hohohoeyy · 13/02/2025 09:18

What do you think you would gain from having this statement on a piece of paper?

Your relationship with him will not improve based on having this statement & what other people think doesn’t matter.

Happyinarcon · 13/02/2025 09:22

He will just say that you either forged the letter or bribed her to write it, so then he’d tell everyone you have a personality disorder and are being investigated by the police.

Lex345 · 13/02/2025 09:24

The money you would be happy to pay for the therapist to do this-and I am not sure they would anyway-would be better used to leave and never look back on this piece of crap.

It will never get better. It will probably get worse. You don't have a mental illness now-staying with this man will likely cause at the very least very prominent emotional issues.

Leave. Do it as fast as you can.

24hr helpline for domestic abuse here:
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

ObviouslyBlooming · 13/02/2025 09:45

I’m pretty sure that therapist would have no hesitation to write that to you because they CANNOT diagnose you with a personality disorder.

Having said that, I’d also expect them to refuse to do so because it’s just another way further you to avoid facing the fact your relationship isnt healthy. You’re still trying to prove to him you’re not crazy/whatever label he uses for you as if, by showing him the proof, he’d suddenly wake up, realise his mistakes and become a nice man.

I say that very gently. It’s not going to happen. You can show proof after proof, Because whether his point isn’t to be right about being crazy, it’s about exerting control and having you under his thumb.

Could you have counselling for yourself instead? I hink you could really do with some proper support in RL

TwoFatDucklings · 13/02/2025 10:11

Well you could, but its not like facts mean anything to him, so it would be pointless.

Why are you choosing to stay in an abusive relationship? You can leave at any time. What help do you need to leave? What's stopping you from protecting yourself?

Original poster
Anon885 · 13/02/2025 10:30

To answer a few questions; I have stayed 9 years because I've been stupid. I've been belittled and broken down and didn't want him to leave me.

I now know I have to go and am in the process of saving up. I have an appointment with Women's Aid next week as I'm hoping for a statement I can provide to housing.

He didn't sleep with the 6 women (as far as I know) but was dating/begging them to unblock him/inviting them over for sex and saying what he wanted to do (not sure if they turned up and not really the point).

I know it seems pointless to ask for confirmation from the therapist but I want him to see that he's talking rubbish. I do know realistically though that it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon885 · 13/02/2025 12:50

I suppose what I'm mostly concerned about (with regards to my topic) is that the therapist will think I'm really weird for asking!

OP posts: