Exclusive time with our child

[Wornoutmumma18]

Hello. I'm a new poster and usually a lurker but I wondered if I could have some advice. I have a 6 year old son with AuDHD and I myself are also AuDHD (that info might be useful). Myself and my husband parent together and work full time and he our little one is an absolutely lovely little boy, extremely bright and loving.

My question is... Would you feel uncomfortable if family members (on my husbands side) were asking for exclusive time with our son. Bearing in mind they haven't spent time visiting him at all in all his 6 years and only see him around a couple of times a year.
We don't have babysitters or childcare and haven't needed it and my son isn't able to tell us if anything upsets him or worries him... He just reverts back into himself and is unable to understand feelings (which we and the school are working on).

I just have this gut uncomfortable feeling about them asking for exclusive time with our son (to take him into a major city especially) and don't want us there as it impedes them making 'memories'.

As a backstory for anyone... 2 years ago, a random man tried to take our son off the beach in the summer holidays when he was 4 and we stopped him and he fled once he was confronted. That was pretty scary and would make most people probably a little protective.

So AIBU and just over anxious or is it unusual to ask for this especially given as they don't show any interest normally?

My family never asked for this, and I wouldn’t have allowed it. I find it strange, like these people are trying to go back in time and be a parent again.

It sounds like he barely knows them, so no.

He knows who they are and has seen them at family dinners but he doesn't have a close relationship and they don't know about his additional needs as he's such a clever child that that's all they see.... The clever part not the ASD needs

What a strange reaction. My grandparents took me on holidays with them since I was two and up until the age of 14. My parents worked and there was no childcare available in Summer. I had amazing time with them and an amazing bond. I am still really really close with my granny (grandad sadly died when I was 20). If my mum ever called them "these people" and insinuated that they are trying to go back to their youth I would have been extremely upset. It's perfectly normal for grandparents to want to grandparent their grandkids in any other part of the world.
And before anyone asked, my grandparents lived abroad so I only saw them twice a year. And I am also autistic.

I think it's nice they want to, and would be lovely for him to build a relationship with them where they have 1:1 time.

But it doesn't sound wise for them to take him to a big city by themselves at this point when they're not familiar with his needs and how he might respond with things, and when you don't know how they might manage if he becomes agitated or upset

I’d be ok with it if it was someone who had a good relationship with my DC, was in their lives and understood their needs. I can think of a few relatives my kids would have days out with etc, but not someone he didn’t see, who hadn’t spent time with him in my presence etc. Apart from anything else a big day out with a little known carer isn’t going to be great for either of them, autism or not.

If they’re want a relationship with your child they can build a relationship in the usual way, through regular contact and interaction and, once you’re confident they know how to care for your child and your child is happy, consider bigger days out.

It sounds as if not only does your child not know the adult well, you don't either. Normally I'd say be guided by your husband and chid, but if your child can't advocate for himself it seems unfair to put him in an awkward situation. I wouldn't be giving someone access to my child who didn't have some level of relationship (as in knowing each other not just genetics) with me or the child's Dad. Goes double if the child shuts down under stress. The presence of a parent doesn't stop memories being made.

No chance. Memories made? Start off with regular (possibly boring) stuff, with parent/s present so they can built trust with the child, then build a proper rapport over time.
But a flight of fancy to a city with family they hardly know properly, and without mum or dad for support? No chance.
My little boy would not be allowed, and he's can vocalise when he's unhappy. Imagine your poor wee one going into his little shell, because of someone else wanting to make memories? Your kid comes first.
Hopefully they will visit more and make regular contact instead.

Your family never asked to take your child on a trip out? The weirder thing is that you find it strange.

Just to say it's not that I wouldn't allow it, but he is 6 and he has barely a relationship with them. I find it hard to understand why we as parents can't be present to make memories especially untill he does have a relationship and he is a bit older and can vocalise his needs and emotions.

I think it’s unhealthy and detrimental to your sons development for it just to be you and your DH
I don’t think it does kids any favours to just have you makes them too reliant on you

I’d work towards it start off slow
what would you happen time there was an emergency or one of you were ill and you had no choice but to leave DS with someone it would be totally alien to him

my guess it’s the grandparents

I think you need to put your son first and do it for him

Like pp said, no issue if they see each other often snd have a close relationship and know how to deal with his emotional challenges well.

But what they're asking is purely for them, not your son, and doesn't sound like it's in his best interests. It sounds like they want some kind of proof they're great parents, for social media.

Also the way they've asked is just rude, when stuff like this happens it tends to be organically not 'I really want to see your child but not you

Hmmm. I think that it is fine to say no to a trip without you right now given the lack of relationship and your son's ND. But I don't see that they're being unusual or inappropriate and your suspicion seems extreme.

You've described it as "asking for exclusive time" but it sounds like another way to phrase this is that they have somewhere fun they'd like to take him. Grandparents taking grandchildren for outings and short trips without parents at that age is normal and welcome in many, many families. And spending time with a child without their parents can be wonderful for developing a bond in a way that can be difficult with parents around. Many NT children would be more likely to interact with an adult relative without their parents there and that's likely what they're envisioning happening. And if you all were to go to an exciting place together the average 6-year-old's perception would most likely be that you took him to that place and these relatives were there too, whereas if you and DH aren't involved a child might be more likely to think of it as a special trip these relatives took him on. Taking children out without the parents can also be a lovely double gift because it gives the parents some time with each other.

So nothing you've described sounds untoward, it just seems like they perhaps don't have a great grasp of his AuDSD and why their plan is probably not the right one for him right now. I would try to explain your specific worries about how your DS might react if he were overwhelmed or upset without you (or ask your DH to explain if they're his relatives). Explain that you think that your DS would be more likely to shut down (or have even have a melt down if that's a possibility) than come out of his shell if he went without you.

Suggest building up slowly instead so perhaps in the future your DS will be ready for a trip like this. Could you invite them to join in an outing or activity your DS enjoys as a start?

If it was someone that my son had a regular relationship with, I would consider it strongly and have discussions.

Someone you see in passing twice a year? Wanting an unsupervised day out? To somewhere strange? Nope. No way. Not happening.

And that’s without the ND stuff which would make my decision all the stronger.

No one, absolutely no one, has a right to use your child as a prop for their ego. The way you tell the story, that’s what it seems like.

Well, tell them? But no, you’re quite right not to have your young child go off solo into an unfamiliar city space with family members he barely knows.

I hear you on the abduction thing. I had to have serious conversations with my timid, easily-cowed parents before they started taking my toddler DS out, because I knew perfectly well that if a random man with a clipboard came up to them in a playground and said ‘This child needs to come with me’, their immediate response would be to let him. I had to train them to say ‘no’.

I would say 'no' on the grounds that they don't know your child well and he doesn't know them. And they don't seem to have any experience of or strategies for his particular needs. And how well do you know what they are like e.g. are they likely to demand 'peace and quiet' or, on these trips do what they want to do, with a child accompanying them as a 'virtue signal'? I know people who say 'they want to get their grandchildren to themselves' and I don't like it. Firstly because it's to fulfil a need in the adult rather than for the child's benefit. But also because the adults want to play out fantasies of what brilliant carers they are/establish rules and routines that they think the parents ought to.