What age do you let them choose?

[flowrida]

Their hobbies? Interests? What things to pursue socially or academically? How they generally spend their time?

Ds was 13 last month and has hobbies but also has opinions and preferences on how he spends his time. He likes gaming and being out with friends but he still is active and plays for a rugby team amongst other things.

My ex still thinks he's at the age where we get to choose. If ds doesn't want to do something that ex perceives to be a good opportunity he will relentlessly go on at him (and me) about all the reasons why he should do it and why he is wrong/ungrateful/ridiculous not to.

It's incredibly stressful for ds and also for me to be the middle man. Ex by nature is controlling and cannot accept any other opinion than his own. I'm more laid back and believe ds can choose his own pastimes providing his isn't glued to a console all day and has a balanced lifestyle.

Ds is now at the age where he is picking up on his dad's controlling ways and how rude and intimidating he can be if anyone dares to disagree. But not yet at the stage where he doesn't want to see him.

How do I balance this?

I think once Children get to secondary school then it’s time to start nurturing their independence and that includes decision making - likes and dislikes too. Guide them how to be the person they want to be .

Some might like to control their children longer but it normally just ends up back firing with more rebellion and arguments .

Your ex is a nob.
Let DS do the things he loves (within reason obv).

I'd say FAR younger than 13, in truth.

In my mind, it is down to me as a parent to ensure my dc do - as you say - a balance of physical activity / passive, social / entertaining self, and so forth.
However, it is down to each individual child to decide which activities they do (as long as they are from a bank of activities we can both afford the money and the time for).

Your ex is a prick. Of course you should let kids choose their own hobbies and activities. It’s their leisure time and they should be allowed to enjoy it.

I’d let them choose pretty much from the age where they could articulate what they enjoyed. And I wouldn’t force organised any activities on a secondary aged kid at all, if they didn’t want them. If they prefer the sorts of hobbies they do independently, that would be fine by me. I loathed organised activities as a kid. I had loads of hobbies but none of them involved having to be somewhere at the same time every week to so stuff in a group.

Younger than 13! Starting at 3 or 4 in terms of hobbies and interests, we sort of just run with whatever they’re into and then accept things will change as they mature.

Academically, I’d say it should be child-led but collaborative for as long as possible—whatever subjects they are doing, with support in areas they struggle with (tutoring, etc.), and again following their interests with extracurricular activities or experiences.

I remember a parent trying to decide their DC’s options for them at school, and the staff telling them it was wholly inappropriate. I can’t imagine trying to make such a big decision for my DC.

Your ex sounds horrible, i’m so sorry for both of you.

For any age, I don’t think parents should dictate specific activities. I think it’s fine to say you must have a physical activity of some sort because it’s important to be active. It’s fine to say you must do something creative to nourish your imagine and promote brain development as long as that category is defined extremely broadly. Even young children should be able to pick their activity. One child might enjoy football while another practices yoga alone. One child might play an instrument while another decides to learn to code. As long as the child isn’t just being a sloth, it doesn’t really matter.

a little sloth time is ok too, just not all day, every day.

13?!

I'd say we have some non-negotiables like swimming lessons til they could confidently swim at least one length, and I keep a look out for good opportunities, but it's all lead by them since they were old enough to voice it.
If we sign up to something past the trial session, I ask they commit to whatever the payment term is (typically monthly)

About aged 18 months for some things. Green or blue t-shirt, banana or apple, those kind of decisions can be offered to a toddler. The fact that a t-shirt (jumper, coat, whatever) is to be worn isn't a toddler's decision, though.
For some things, such as learning to swim for safety's sake, going to school, brushing teeth, these aren't a child's decision either.
Hobbies, interests, music, art - these are a child's decision. You might encourage a particular one, or urge him to stick at it if he starts a course and wants to pack it in half-way through, but not tell him rugby-over-football or fencing-never-judo (or whatever it might be).

Sounds like your DS will see his dad for who he is - he sounds like a prick. Of course 13 is old enough to choose own hobbies

5 or 6?

It’s not really your job to balance it. You divorced him for reasons, he shouldn’t be controlling your life and will start to learn he can’t control your son’s life either.

How’s your ex’s relationship with his own dad?

As long as they aren’t just gaming he is old enough to choose.
I would just say you don’t have to do … if you don’t want to. Can you ds just say no I don’t want to? What would happen if ds just didn’t turn up to what ever the thing was?

My 3 year old chooses his own hobbies.

Much earlier! I am just the person who organises the activities! My 4 year old has expressed an interest in learning to forward roll - my job is to organise gymnastics. I might guide them toward activities eg swimming but I also encourage them to have their own interests

I agree with this:
About aged 18 months for some things. Green or blue t-shirt, banana or apple, those kind of decisions can be offered to a toddler. The fact that a t-shirt (jumper, coat, whatever) is to be worn isn't a toddler's decision, though.
For some things, such as learning to swim for safety's sake, going to school, brushing teeth, these aren't a child's decision either.
Hobbies, interests, music, art - these are a child's decision. You might encourage a particular one, or urge him to stick at it if he starts a course and wants to pack it in half-way through, but not tell him rugby-over-football or fencing-never-judo (or whatever it might be).

My DC have always chosen their hobbies. We said you need to do a sport when eldest was about 4 and sat with them to see what was on offer and watched YouTube videos as they hadn't a clue what some of the sports were. Then they chose. I only had a rule that once I'd paid for the term, they had to see it out. Now, our rules are no excessive gaming, none before homework, a sport can be stopped but must be replaced with a sport, back home when we agree or 6 pm if no set time (14 &12).

I don't think it's your job to balance it. Your DS is old enough to make his decision. As long as you explain the options to him, facilitate him getting there if he wants to go then all you need to do is support DS's decision.

(unless i misunderstood and your DS is copying his fathers behaviour towards you? But I think you just mean DS is noticing how controlling his dad is)

I was fairly directive in terms of paid-for activities but I did notice around 8 or 9 that it was becoming a bit counterproductive. Certainly by 13 he was positively choosing his own activities.

Gosh, about 8 or 9. I never forced my kids to continue attending something they expressed a desire to stop. By 13 he should definitely have a say if he doesn’t want to do something. Your ex is a fool.

I think that any child even at 13 should be encouraged to stick at something that they have committed to until at least the end of the season/term/year unless something has happened to make them stop enjoying it. But if it's a case of they would rather be gaming, I think I would encourage them to complete the season.
However I don't agree with making your child start doing something that they don't want to, and being pressured into it by a parent is a sure fire way of making sure they don't enjoy it.

They always have.

Our only insistence was swimming until they were able to swim well. They had the option to quit once ‘butterfly’ was introduced.

Children should be encouraged to make choices as early as possible. You first start with limited option choices as soon as they can articulate or indicate in any other way their preference. So, as above poster mentioned "blue or red t-shirt". Don't do what my parents did when I was 3 and tell me to go and choose what to wear in the wardrobe. I still remember being completely paralised first time it happened. But here is the thing... if your 13 year old has never been given an option to make decisions, he will feel this paralysing fear first time he has to do it. And it better not happen when he is 18, 30, 50... So your ?ex is not doing him any favours and isn't doing any real parenting here either.

If I'm really honest I think it's a control issue not an age issue. When we were together he would try to force his views on me too. Any disagreement would result in hours of debate or if we weren't physically together at the time then text after text after text. It was exhausting and it upsets me that my ds is now having to put up with it too.

Can you have a conversation with your DS about growing up/dealing with people. That he is getting older and can decide what he what’s to do with his time (maybe say you expect one sport but he chooses.) That there will always be people who dictate what you do or try to guilt you into their agenda (friends/teachers) but he needs to think about what he wants. Don’t mention the dad but kind of let him know you support him and what he chooses without full on confrontation. Ex sounds like a knob and will probably become more forceful and confrontational if he thinks you are ‘influencing.’

Children should be allowed to choose their own hobbies. That means they do a range of things, including gaming but screen time should be limited.

I'm surprised you've got to 13 with such a controlling DH. I would have rebelled by now.