Would this bother you?

HQp · 2025-02-12T19:56:15+00:00

To give the full picture, dp and I had an accidental pregnancy around a year into our relationship. We did not live together and were in different cities. The pregnancy was stressful and we separated but remained in each other’s lives and he developed a great relationship with Dd. We got back together when DD was 15 months. She is now almost 3 and things have been mostly good between us, DP travels every Friday and leaves on a Monday for work (still in the other city) and we have been on holidays and celebrated birthdays, he’s been there for me when unwell and we spent new year in a cottage just the three of us. It’s all been really nice. we have been moving towards the idea that when we are ready we will move in together and perhaps consider another child (though we are both getting on a bit now!.) However… I realised recently that he has never mentioned me or DD at work, apart from to one very close friend. I obviously asked him why and he said he didn’t like talking about private stuff at work and that he’s not keeping a secret but also not openly talking about it. He also said that when he had a few new year messages from old friends that had asked how he was, that again he hadn’t mentioned me or DD because he didn’t want to say that in a message and he hasn’t spoken with these people for so long. On the face of it I feel hugely offended and like a dirty secret (not sure this is a reasonable reaction?). But the reality is that he IS a private man. He’s not a big texter and he’s utterly hopeless expressing any emotion. He admits this himself. He often cannot pit things into words and I’ve known this about him from pretty much the day I met him. He’s not really someone who sees friends a lot, he’s quite a shy man and he keeps himself to himself. There is part of me that thinks this is just who he is and not to worry about him not shouting from the rooftops about me and DD. But then I worry for her… what if she finds out one day that her dad didn’t talk about her? It’s so strange as he loves being with her and he’s always checking how she is and talking about her with me, clearly very proud of her, so maybe it doesn’t matter that he’s not talking about her to others? Then sometimes I think it won’t affect DD and I don’t really care so the only person who risks looking silly is him if we bump into people when out (which has happened before and he just introduces me.) Guess I’m asking if you think this is a big deal?

verycloakanddaggers · 12/02/2025 20:01

Possibly he finds it hard to explain the timeline? It is an unusual story - we got pregnant, split up, got back together.

yeesh · 12/02/2025 20:01

Has he really not told anyone that he has a three year old child? That’s really odd

Original poster

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:01

verycloakanddaggers · 12/02/2025 20:01

Possibly he finds it hard to explain the timeline? It is an unusual story - we got pregnant, split up, got back together.

@verycloakanddaggers i think this is part of it yes. But when we were together the first time around he was also extremely private about it.

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Anon501178 · 12/02/2025 20:06

I wouldn't be overly concerned unless he is meeting up with friends regularly and avoiding talking about either of you.Some men are just quite private and closed off and it sounds like his behaviour is in line with his character, and that he really loves your DD.
The other thing is, that unfortunately in some workplaces for men it doesn't seem to be the 'done thing' to talk much about your partner or kids....stupid but DH says it's the same culture at his workplace.

Original poster

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:07

Anon501178 · 12/02/2025 20:06

I wouldn't be overly concerned unless he is meeting up with friends regularly and avoiding talking about either of you.Some men are just quite private and closed off and it sounds like his behaviour is in line with his character, and that he really loves your DD.
The other thing is, that unfortunately in some workplaces for men it doesn't seem to be the 'done thing' to talk much about your partner or kids....stupid but DH says it's the same culture at his workplace.

@Anon501178 definitely doesn’t meet friends regularly. Maybe 3 times a year. Just find it odd as it surely gets stranger the more time goes on? I have said this to him and he says he does want people to know but he hasn’t found the right time..!

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Amba1998 · 12/02/2025 20:08

Does he actively lie? Most people at work talk about kids. It crops up naturally. I’d be very upset if he denied he had a child outright

LillyPJ · 12/02/2025 20:11

Everyone's different. I can understand his point of view. And will DD ever know she's not been talked about unless you tell her? I was surprised when one of my dad's work colleagues told me he'd said something about my sons; it had never even crossed my mind that he might. And I doubt he ever said much about me, even though I know he was proud of me.

LillyPJ · 12/02/2025 20:12

'Most people'? Not in my experience.

Original poster

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:14

Amba1998 · 12/02/2025 20:08

Does he actively lie? Most people at work talk about kids. It crops up naturally. I’d be very upset if he denied he had a child outright

@Amba1998 i don’t think he would outright lie, no. But obviously I can’t be sure. I can’t imagine him doing that but then I can’t imagine never mentioning us either as I talk about home life with colleagues and friends

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Original poster

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:15

LillyPJ · 12/02/2025 20:11

Everyone's different. I can understand his point of view. And will DD ever know she's not been talked about unless you tell her? I was surprised when one of my dad's work colleagues told me he'd said something about my sons; it had never even crossed my mind that he might. And I doubt he ever said much about me, even though I know he was proud of me.

@LillyPJ i suppose she wouldn’t know. But what if he continues this after we have moved in? When she’s 12 or 15? Wouldn’t it be weird for her to bump into one of his colleagues with her dad and realise she was a secret? Maybe I’m overthinking

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arcticpandas · 12/02/2025 20:27

It's coherent with who he is according to you so no, it wouldn't bother me.

Original poster

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:28

arcticpandas · 12/02/2025 20:27

It's coherent with who he is according to you so no, it wouldn't bother me.

@arcticpandas it still feels insulting sometimes though!

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CoralOP · 12/02/2025 20:34

A few of the men in my DH family are like this, he's the complete opposite but they are so quiet and reserved you get nothing from them.
Literally a hurricane could tear through their house and they wouldn't mention one peep about it.
After nearly 25 years I say hello and goodbye and accept that they don't want to say anything else.

If you think it is down to his personality then he's not being malicious, just a very private person, I guess you just have to decide if that's OK with you x

Original poster

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:36

CoralOP · 12/02/2025 20:34

A few of the men in my DH family are like this, he's the complete opposite but they are so quiet and reserved you get nothing from them.
Literally a hurricane could tear through their house and they wouldn't mention one peep about it.
After nearly 25 years I say hello and goodbye and accept that they don't want to say anything else.

If you think it is down to his personality then he's not being malicious, just a very private person, I guess you just have to decide if that's OK with you x

@CoralOP thanks for sharing, it does make me feel better that it’s not just him like this. I guess part of me wishes he was gushing about me and DD now and then and was openly showing he was happy and in love. But I know that’s not everything and also that it’s not his nature to do that. I think it would be silly to end things over it but I do feel embarrassed sometimes when we are out and I wonder what people he know would think about why he hadn’t mebtieind me.

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CoralOP · 12/02/2025 20:47

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:36

@CoralOP thanks for sharing, it does make me feel better that it’s not just him like this. I guess part of me wishes he was gushing about me and DD now and then and was openly showing he was happy and in love. But I know that’s not everything and also that it’s not his nature to do that. I think it would be silly to end things over it but I do feel embarrassed sometimes when we are out and I wonder what people he know would think about why he hadn’t mebtieind me.

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I must add though I do also think jeez I could never be with someone like that (mostly just because they are so silent with everyone, yours might not be like that) but maybe weigh up pros and cons.

Is he open with you and his family? He might just completely separate his work life and home life which isn't generally a bad thing but I wouldn't like it if you wernt included in his homelife either.

Do you have any relationship with his family, ever get invited to weddings etc together?
If no, can you see your relationship progressing into that? X

WrylyAmused · 12/02/2025 21:06

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
People are different.

I don't mention my partner or family things at work. Never have, like to keep them separate.
My friends know, my work colleagues never do, it's not at all relevant to my professional life and I can connect with colleagues without sharing personal things.

Some people have their boundaries in different places, but because of that, the judgements you're making/perceiving - that it's "insulting", "embarrassing", "a dirty secret" - are what you project that you would feel if you didn't tell your colleagues about your partner - because that's not how you do your life.

I don't think any of those things about my partner (& I imagine your partner doesn't think them either), I simply have a strong boundary that work and personal life are separate & I don't wish to mix them.
If I met a colleague out with my partner, I would feel no embarrassment at all and would simply introduce them, it wouldn't even cross my mind that there was anything curious about it.

And I wouldn't imagine that my colleagues would think anything of it either - most people are far too engrossed in their own lives to give more than cursory attention to the lives of their work colleagues.

PassingStranger · 12/02/2025 21:06

Has anyone ever asked him.ouyright if he has any children.
If he says no, then you have a problem.

TheWonderhorse · 12/02/2025 21:11

I think it's odd. Does he not have social media with you and DD all over it? You see his family, yes?

Just doing a quick sweep for a secret family or a double life. Feel free to laugh at me 😉

verycloakanddaggers · 12/02/2025 21:48

Does he not have social media with you and DD all over it? Not everyone uses social media like this, especially not with colleagues. It's not that uncommon for people keep their kids off SM.

verycloakanddaggers · 12/02/2025 21:53

WrylyAmused · 12/02/2025 21:06

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
People are different.

I don't mention my partner or family things at work. Never have, like to keep them separate.
My friends know, my work colleagues never do, it's not at all relevant to my professional life and I can connect with colleagues without sharing personal things.

Some people have their boundaries in different places, but because of that, the judgements you're making/perceiving - that it's "insulting", "embarrassing", "a dirty secret" - are what you project that you would feel if you didn't tell your colleagues about your partner - because that's not how you do your life.

I don't think any of those things about my partner (& I imagine your partner doesn't think them either), I simply have a strong boundary that work and personal life are separate & I don't wish to mix them.
If I met a colleague out with my partner, I would feel no embarrassment at all and would simply introduce them, it wouldn't even cross my mind that there was anything curious about it.

And I wouldn't imagine that my colleagues would think anything of it either - most people are far too engrossed in their own lives to give more than cursory attention to the lives of their work colleagues.

I work with some people like this, they just keep things separate. Agree there is potentially some projection about the meaning.

LillyPJ · 12/02/2025 22:09

HQp · 12/02/2025 20:15

@LillyPJ i suppose she wouldn’t know. But what if he continues this after we have moved in? When she’s 12 or 15? Wouldn’t it be weird for her to bump into one of his colleagues with her dad and realise she was a secret? Maybe I’m overthinking

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I think there's a difference between being a secret and just not being talked about.

TheWonderhorse · 12/02/2025 22:13

verycloakanddaggers · 12/02/2025 21:48

Does he not have social media with you and DD all over it? Not everyone uses social media like this, especially not with colleagues. It's not that uncommon for people keep their kids off SM.

Well yes, I know that. But...

If OP is feeling like a dirty secret when he's showing them off on Facebook then that's less justified.
If he's got everything locked down, given that OP has never met any colleagues and they think he's single, then it might trigger some alarm bells in my head.

The social media thing is less of an issue if they're attending public events together and OP sees his family regularly, but it's a jigsaw piece.