20 month old sleep is breaking me

[blueberry23]

None of my babies have been great sleepers but this one was pretty good until he turned 1.

But now it's the absolute pits.

We bed share, I breastfeed still, I had night weaned but he got sick and we started again and now I'm so exhausted I feel like I can't even contemplate it but I'm trapped in this perpetual exhaustion cycle and can't break it.

He recently had an infection so was quite poorly but for 3 weeks solid he's been refusing every nap and bed time - for naps it takes me about 45 mins to get him down and then he wakes after 20 minutes.

At night he's waking hourly, if I don't give him a boob he screams and screams and screams. If I do, he wants to sleep latched on and wakes constantly otherwise.

Long periods in the night wide awake, laughing chatting and trying to climb out of bed.

Bedtimes and naptimes are taking so long that I am getting nothing done, my older Dc is suffering, I am losing my patience and not being the mum I want to be,

Tonight for example he's napped 20 mins all day, had a terrible nights sleep last night yet still absolutely REFUSING bedtime and I can't believe it as I was so sure he'd be exhausted and I may actually get an evening to eat and relax.

I have always fed to sleep, that's not working now.

I am in such a muddle. I have a DH but he's not around much and I have to break this cycle.

Any advice welcome, I do leave him to cry for maybe 5 mins and go back again in the hope he'd knackered himself out but it doesn't work.

That's rubbish, I sympathise! Can your DH take a couple of weeks off work to be the main bedtime parent? You have to break the cycle and he might be able to do that due to lack of boob? Worth a go if it can be arranged, he needs to support you to get out of this cycle. I hope things change swiftly!

Thanks @southenglandartist yeah I think he will try to. I wish I knew what was going on. It's soul destroying, I feel like a shell of my usual self

I think sleep is so personal so feel free to ignore. I co-slept and EBF both my kids and worked on the principle that if I wasn't exhausted, I wasn't going to force sleep training etc but with my daughter it got to the point of misery and it wasn't working for me so I had to do something different.

In your case, I think I'd consider his own room, own bed. Make it fun. He can choose a bed or covers for a cot (cot might be better to stop escapes). I think you'll have a couple of terrible nights but that's already happening and the being in bed with you is no longer working.

He will hate it and will cry and you will feel horrible and like you're an awful parent but I think in the big picture both you and him will be happier and have a happier life if sleep improves so the tears might be worth it.

Oh OP I feel for you! Not getting enough sleep just makes everything miserable doesn’t it.

Personally, I am a big advocate for gentle sleeping training. I think sleeping training gets a really bad rep. with people either assuming that it’s just ‘leave them to cry endlessly’ (it really isn’t) or they’ve chosen to suffer without it themselves and therefore double down on others not doing it. The reality is that bad sleep means you’re not your best as a parent, and poor sleep for a child impacts their ability to regulate emotions and learn. So it’s an investment for both of you. That said, all sleep training approaches I know of will start by encouraging an end to bed sharing and night feeds. So if those things are important to you it might be difficult.

In terms of how to do it, if you can afford it you can hire a sleep trainer. I know several people who have. Or I have always just worked from books (My personal favourite is ‘Sleep Better Baby’ but most share some core principles). A lot of the time the starting point is a good daytime routine. I notice you said naps plural? At 20m most toddlers would be doing just one nap at around 12ish for 1-2hrs (most, not all). Getting that right could be a good starting point.

Whatever you decide to try, good luck, stay strong and take care of yourself. It might be a rubbish time at the moment but you are a great mum and you can do this!!!

Thanks everyone.

@lookingfortheadult we are having major building work currently so own room is not an option for 6 months or so!

@ZippyKoala yes previously he was having one lunch nap, 1.5 hours ish, and was going down for that fine, and going to bed fine at bedtime too. He was waking once or twice a night for a quick feed which felt manageable.

I wonder if this is a 'regression' though I don't know much about them.

Whatever it is I hope it's a phase because it's just not sustainable 🤯

I'm a big proponent of gentle sleep training but at this age, I would consider hiring a sleep consultant. The older they get the more complex it is - you're trying to remove old habits as well as teach new ones, and they're old enough now to have likes and dislikes, wants and preferences etc.

Stop breastfeeding. Offer water. No talking. No lights. No picking up.

Be strict.

Bedtime is milk, then teeth, then book, then bed from wide awake. If you’re strict and super consistent it’ll be better a week from now.