To not force DD to hug and kiss MIL? [content warning added by MNHQ: post contains ref to CSA]

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi everyone.

Would really appreciate your advice on this. Backstory: I split from DDs dad a while back due to his infidelity. MIL is quite a 'my boy would never' type and I keep her at arms distance when it comes to mine and her relationship. She adores DD and I'm happy to facilitate a relationship. You may ask why ExH doesn't. He does when he can but their work schedules completely don't align so it can be tricky. I'm happy for her to pop in once a month. DD has a much closer / involved relationship with my parents and this is a total non-issue for them.

Today was one of those days MIL popped in for a cuppa. She's very 'come and sit with nanny' heavy and will grab DD as she's walking past. I am very firm on the boundaries for DD. Whenever we greet somebody she has been taught to always say hello and goodbye. But she never had to hug or kiss anybody. DD is an affectionate little girl and happily gives me hugs and kisses off her own accord and I always ask her if I can hug her. Today MIL was leaving and she said 'do you have a kiss for nanny?' DD said 'I would like to do a High-5.'

Then came the 'that will make nanny very sad.' And DD went in to kiss her. I shouted STOP and said 'DD you don't have to hug or kiss anybody.' And turned to MIL and reiterated her offer of a high-5.

I explained to MIL why, and how we never enforce bodily contact as she has full autonomy over herself. And it can lead to sexual abuse when she's older and finding it difficult to say no / guilt tripping.
She left up in arms, completely bewildered and very bitter. She insinuated that I was 'one of those parents' too.

I think I'm going to text her, clearly explaining (again) but came on here for some advice on how to navigate this. I may find this extra sensitive and I'm happy to be told so, but I won't be changing the boundaries.

I was raped via oral sex at age 7, so I do find things like this triggering. DD is age 4.

Thank you.

I'd allow ex mils son to keep contact with his side of the family. You have been very generous facilitating contact so far but if she doesn't respect your boundaries you would be better off not doing it.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to read what happened to you as a child that truly is horrendous. Secondly, I wouldn't rush a message to her this evening sleep on it first. Nothing wrong with outlining the approach you're taking with dd but I'd keep it simple eg "we are teaching dd that she doesn't need to feel obliged to kiss or hug unless she chooses to so I'd really appreciate your support going forward. I'm sure she will choose to in time as she loves seeing you but it's something that needs to come from her and without pressure, not from us."

So sorry that you had that happen to you! I agree with you, having manners is saying hello and goodbye not hugging and kissing. I grew up in a hugging family and remember being made to hug creepy uncles (one of whom my mum told me years later that she always thought he was a creep - why she made me hug him then is beyond me?!). My DD is still young but I want to be as brave as you were in advocating for her.

Would it help to send an article which explains your point of view? Maybe something like this so you have the 'backing' of a third party authority figure. I'd also say what you said on here, maybe a 'sorry that you were upset' if you are sorry she she was upset, but say that doesn't overrule your daughter's boundaries and in future she's not to pressure your daughter into physical contact she doesn't want either by guilt tripping or physical force.

Thanks for sharing, thats a really interesting article

Ah thank you so much. That's a really good idea and a good article at that, I'll do that.

I'll sleep on it as PP said and maybe message her in a few days with the link. Thank you! It's nice to see other mums being the same with these boundaries. I think it's so important but as I'm a single mum I do question myself sometimes!

The bit that pissed me off was 'that will make Nanny sad.'

Tough shit- a 4 year old isn't responsible for her emotions. I hate emotional blackmail.

Both of my girls are taught similar; my youngest in particular doesn't like hugging. It's a family joke (which she loves!) is that she will give us a 'firm pat' I'm not sure where it came from but she's ok with it and that's fine.

Oh this riles me 🤦🏻‍♀️ My kids will voluntarily offer a hug to my parents and I’ve never heard them ask for one. However with both the in-laws and SIL (none of them make any effort to see the kids, do anything with them etc), they insist every time on doing the big ‘awww you need to give me a hug’. The worst one is FIL’s partner. At Christmas she brought a bag of presents for my son then went right in his face before handing them over and said ‘give us a kiss then’ like he wasn’t allowed them without. He’s only little and looked so confused at what he was meant to do. I should have stepped in but the awkwardness of the fact we hardly ever see them then they do it constantly anytime we do makes me not say anything 🤦🏻‍♀️ I also feel like the minute the mum says anything it would be used as a reason not to see the kids because I didn’t make them feel welcome by asking them not to do that. It’s just rude, I’d never do it to anyone’s child

I explained to my family that while I trust the implicitly with DCs that it is important for DCs to understand body autonomy and to feel able to voice express their own boundaries. They are DCs safe people and its important form them to practice saying no with people they trust so they will be able to do it when they are older.

My kids are asked to say goodbye to nan. Do you want to give her a hug, kiss or highfive. Sometimes they'll give nothing and will wave goodbye other times the want all three.

Recently my brother said come for a hug, then come for a hug or you won't get a surprise. I said in a pervy voice... come her little girl, give me a hug. I have some sweets for you. He was mortified. I told him to think about what he's teaching them.

I have been criticised. I've been told I'm over the top any hyper vigilant. Maybe, I am. I experienced CSA at 2. My kids were potty trained early. They would sing pantasaurus from 1 1/2. They had the pantasaurus book. We sing the boundaries song. They tell their friends, family and even strangers please stop, I don't like that.

Ugh!

You're not wrong, I would sit on it for a day before messaging her again.

I'd also teach DD that if anyone puts pressure on, like 'oh that will make Nanny sad'.. she's to say:

'Your emotions are not my responsibility Nanny'.

or, as my friends 5 year old now says if anyone tries to push him for hugs/kisses...

'I only have high-5's today!' (note, no sorry!!)

You've done exactly the right thing, I never allowed my children to be forced into physical contact either. They should have autonomy over their own body and if your MIL is upset by that, that's her problem. Frankly, she can like it or lump it. I wouldn't message her, you've explained it clearly enough so it doesn't need reiterating. It doesn't matter if she thinks you're one of 'those parents' - her opinion of your parenting is insignificant.