To cancel boyfriend’s visit tomorrow?

[CountryLiving1996]

I was due to see boyfriend tomorrow, I last saw him on Saturday.

I have been quite distant this week, however I did speak to him beforehand about it and asked for the space because I haven’t been feeling very well with a chronic ‘women’s issue’, therefore we haven’t seen each other this week and we’ve not really been speaking much during the day either so I could do whatever I needed to do to feel better without constantly being on my phone.

It comes to Tuesday, literally 3 days later, and he starts asking when he can see me again and I caved and said tomorrow because I thought I would be feeling up to it by then. However, I’m not, if anything I’ve been feeling worse and also quite overwhelmed because I’ve realised school is out next week and I’ll have disabled DC at home full-time with very little help and pretty much no down time.

I know if I cancelled tomorrow, he would accept it, but equally he would let it be known he was disappointed and possibly slightly annoyed seeing how distant I have been this week and how much I have pulled back in terms of contact because of feeling unwell.

AIBU to put myself first and take the last 2 days I have to myself and cancel tomorrow with him? Or do I just suck it up for the sake of my relationship and just see him for the day because ultimately in a relationship it is about give and take and I need to make an effort?

Depends if long term you want him in your life. If you're not fussed, I'd cancel. But if you want his support long term I'd let him support you now.

You don’t sound like you like him much?

Fo what you need to do, if that is your cancel, do that

I do like him, but not everyone wants support in that way and I’m guessing the posters already clearly don’t have experiences of chronic illnesses? I’ve been in daily pain for 3 weeks now, I’ve kept up visits and what not, I literally just wanted a week by myself to recharge in a hope to feel better before DC are off on holidays and seeing him or anyone else for that matter just feels like too much right now?

I have chronic mental and physical ill health that affects me daily, including my ability to travel also, but make myself make the 45 - 1 hour journey to my partners once a week to stay over and come back the day after. I've been massively struggling since an incident last june where i had no means of transport til september, so didnt see him all that time and was housebound for 3 months, which has set me back horrendously about going out at all. He is unable to travel by any means of transport so he cannot come to me, even occasionally to share the burden. If you love them, you push through it to take every oppertunity to see them.

I have to say, you seem very distanced from him by not wanting to talk or message much whilst also not wanting him to visit, it really comes across like you aren't that in to him, and if my partner treated me how you're treating yours i'd feel really rejected and unwanted. He has wants and needs in the relationship too, but you seem to want it all your way or no way, and him letting it be known hes disappointed and a bit annoyed is absolutely understandable!

I didn’t message him much for a few days because he wants to text constantly when we’re not together to the point where it was interrupting any routine I have at home. I usually see him several days out of the week, I’ve literally taken a few days for myself.

I have a chronic condition where I can be in pain for months on end.

You are not unreasonable for wanting to focus on yourself for a while but equally he is allowed to feel disappointed when you made a date and want to cancel. Sometimes you both have to put up with a bad situation.

He sounds like too much tbh, the constant texting would drive me mad. If you need a break for one week I can’t see why it’s a big deal really

Rude and presumptuous of you to suggest you're the only one in a relationship while dealing with chronic illness.

If you want to be in a relationship then you have a relationship with someone, regardless of you're health at the time because that is your status quo and you deal with it together. You don't pick and choose when you interact with them for days at a time.

So you can of course do what you prefer, but if I was him I would take it as a cue that I wasn't wanted. Which is what you're saying.

I have been interacting just not constantly, it’s been in the morning and then again in the evening before bed for a catch up. And it’s not rude or presumptuous so sort yourself out, everyone deals with it differently.

Christ, if he doesn’t understand that sometimes you need some time just to focus on yourself, no matter what the reason is, then that’s on him.

How exhausting to feel like you have to see someone out of guilt lest they sulk because you were too unwell!!

You literally said that posters "clearly don't have experiences of chronic illnesses".

So yes, everyone deals with it differently, and you need to take a look at your entitlement.

Cancel! It will make him even keener.

Win, win.

100% agree. You must put yourself first.

Secondly, if he doesn’t help and give you a boost… why bother? Being single and focusing on the life you have is better, surely?

"I’m guessing the posters already clearly don’t have experiences of chronic illnesses?"

This is the bit that pp meant was rude and presumptuous. It's definitely presumptuous and could arguably be construed as rude.

If you need to cancel your bf's visit then do it in a way that reassures him it's not a "him" problem. Would you be able to do that OP?

You sound quite cold and unkind. If you don't like him just dump him?

Before you come back all self righteous, I am chronically ill with an incurable cancer dx at 23.

So wind ya judgemental presumptions in.

She needs to be kind to herself first

Cold and unkind for needing time by myself to recharge? Okay then, that makes a lot of sense.