To be bothered by not having friends at work this much?

[Billynomatesmemate]

Firstly, I want to say I would love for this not to bother me but unfortunately it does.
I’ve been teaching for several years across different schools, but I’ve been at my current school for a few years now. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I belong here. I recently returned from maternity leave, and during my time away, I didn’t have much communication with colleagues. I did attend a KIT day at the start of the new term, and at that time, nearly everyone seemed positive, warm, and happy to chat.
However, since returning, I’ve felt really alone. I was off sick for over a week recently—longer than I’ve ever taken off since starting here—and when I came back, I felt even more isolated. The department is made up of younger colleagues who have bonded over shared meals and working closely together. I’ve never really felt part of their group, but this has become even more apparent since my return. Now, when I’m in the staffroom, it’s rare that I even get a hello.

They will sit together during inset and make it very clear in many subtle ways that I am not welcome. It impacts me because I get the sense they all share resources, keep each other in the know etc whereas I am planning everything from almost scratch and just feel down.

I know I want to leave for some very good reasons and I wonder if this counts as one of them. Now I'm wondering are a lot of departments in schools like this sometimes? Any teachers late 30s and above feel this way amongst younger teachers?

Planning and sharing resources should happen across a department, not in friendship groups! Speak to your HoD, suggesting that you all discuss this and share out resources.

Not quite as isolating if I'm honest. When I started I had lots and lots of staff members across the school that I got on with well, well enough to go to the pub with after work and have lunch etc with but then there was a massive exodus and all the nicest people left. And the year after more left and the year after that ...
It was a two site school when I started so I worked separately from my department alongside all those who nearly all left.
It doesn't help that I'm part time so I don't see people too often.

You would think would you! But HoD doesn't want the hassle of organising that...
My line manager suggested I make better use of AI...

Yes, albeit a much smaller group since COVID / motherhood , I don't see them as often as I like but I will at least speak to one friend every week.

For this kind of issue, which is clearly detrimental to your work, and is a failure of both your manager and HoD, I would try to get a paper trail (emails, AOB on agendas etc) because if that gets any more serious, it needs to be reported.

Hey listen, be grateful! I know it's hard, but work is work and in the long run you'll be better off keeping a boundary in place.

They are all cosy cosy now, but wait until a fallout takes place or someone sleeps with someone's partner etc. You'll be glad of the distance then.

I am 50 now and I have come to realise that it is best to keep work friends at a distance. It is unprofessional of them to huddle up and not even consider what that feels like for you.

Sit tight and be a good teacher, that is what you are there for. Be a good employee, find friends outside of work and play the long game. It isn't always good to be friends at work. Don't feel bad x

I know I want to leave for some very good reasons and I wonder if this counts as one of them.

I don't know if things were better before your maternity leave but I had a similar situation in one of my first jobs where my colleagues seemed more like a clique than colleagues. Our office was organised in pods (4 desks grouped in a pod), and I felt isolated in mine as 3 of my colleagues seemed to have lots of things to discuss which I was either never included on or just simply ignored when I decided to join in myself. Admittedly, I had very little in common with them anyway and I am sure this can't have made it easier for them to include me but I still changed jobs and this was the main reason.

Whatever your reasoning is, if the situation makes you unhappy and you don't feel you can change it, feeling isolated and alone is as good a reason as any other to change jobs. In fact, I read somewhere than in more than 95% of cases people change jobs because of their colleagues rather than due to any dissatisfaction with their jobs. Wishing you the best of luck and hope you find a new job with better colleagues soon 🌷

Agree with @something2say
It's taken me a few years to adjust to not being in any of the cliques.
It used to make me very upset.
Now I try hard to keep the boundaries clear and it bothers me less. Altho I'm only human so of course it stings when there have been social events I'm not part of. I do also feel out of the loop , but my new stance is that if it didn't come through official channels, I don't know about it and therefore can't do it!
It's lonely but overall less stressful

I'm so sorry you're going through this - I think it's quite common now compared to decades ago, as employment is so much more volatile.

I used to work for a very trendy company in the South East (they had a waiting list of potential employees apparently...) and it took me a year to be invited out for Friday drinks.

I was so excited at the time, but all they did was miserably bitch about colleagues. I thought they must have just had a bad day, but after three Fridays of this I politely declined their invitations.

I made just two really good friends from that company, who are now doing brilliantly in related careers. Neither of them fitted in either.

Don't worry about it - do your job and make friends outside through hobbies and related interests!

Always remember they are colleagues, not friends.

I'm a 26 year old teacher and all my colleagues are 35+ with kids. I feel like a child to them and people rarely talk to me other than the polite 'hey how are you'
They're very clicky and in their own groups. I get you, it's really hard. I had two close friends at work who were similar age to me and we got on so well but they left at the end of last year so I'm all alone again.. I don't go in the staff room for lunch because of it and I don't attend any staff outings either anymore.
I feel you

@Lynds778 I completely understand why you'd avoid staffroom and outings. When I started teaching I was the only single /in my 20s person in a department where everyone seemed much more grown up eg marriages, mortgages etc and I would go along to Xmas dinners and so on and now I look back and wish I hadn't bothered, back then they were polite but I knew I wasn't part of the gang and that grinds you down.
Whenever I've had a tough lesson or had a student kick off in my lesson I just wish I could vent / talk through what happened in the same way they all do. In teaching you do need that support system. I have found if you can make teacher friends outside of school it does help.