To think she’s not been a good friend

[BeDearFox]

I had a best friend since I was 18 (36 now) gone through a lot together. The past year I’ve been unwell with various symptoms that has yet to be diagnosed and due to this has gone through a period of extreme health anxiety and almost physcosis.

shes called me a bad mother, selfish, she “doesn’t know who I am anymore” and hasn’t contacted me since October.

AIBU to feel hurt by this and never speak to her again?

Respectfully, if she hasn't contacted you since October, she's presumably OK with not hearing from you again. It's impossible to know what the situation looks like from her perspective. Serious MH difficulties are very challenging to deal with for even the closest longterm friends, especially when children are involved. One of my oldest, closest friends was hospitalised for serious anorexia a few years back because her organs were shutting down, and I found it triggering as I also have disordered eating of my own, plus it was very hard to watch the effects on her young children. We're still friends, but I can't over-emphasise how difficult it was.

She knows you very well and her comments can’t have come from nowhere. By all means don’t contact her again, it sounds like she’s stepped away already, possibly out of self preservation if she’s found your behaviour very difficult.

Friendships only work if they work for both parties.

I hope you’re getting the help you need.

I've become ill from last year ( now have blue badge & pip ) and it's my new life for keeps .
Had a long term friend ( who is actually on same benefits ) and have come to realise whilst I was well and mobile I was useful to her but now I'm not , I've been dropped.
Sad , but your friend ( and mine ) were always fairweather friends .

It looks like she has made the decision to not contact you based on her own boundaries that must have been breached.

You are not entitled to anyone's time, regardless how long you've known them. The friend has made their stance clear, let them.

Without wanting to sound heartless it seems like she’s already dropped you so doesn’t make much difference if you dump her, but you’re well within your rights to never speak to her again.

You’ve known her half your life, were you shocked at how she treated you and what she said? A lot of people are still so ignorant about mental illness. Not excusing it but it does explain it. It sounds like she simply doesn’t understand and it frustrates her that you can’t basically switch it off. I hope you get well again soon and have other good support around you.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Huge amounts of context missing from this though. What did you do?

Extreme health anxiety and almost psychosis would test most people - who have it and who have to deal with those who have it. It sounds like you may have done things that came across to her as selfish and being a bad mother, even though they were part of your condition. Without knowing, it's hard to say, but if she's been a good friend for 18 years then it's this latest change in you that's pushed her to this rather than some innate failing in her - or in you, neither of you can be blamed for not knowing how to cope. She's probably right to have stepped back and you're equally right to prioritise your own health and getting help - whatever you can get without a proper diagnosis - rather than dealing with a friendship breakdown. Until you're feeling more like yourself again, you won't be in the best place to judge her behaviour and can only really rely on family (if you're lucky to have that kind of unconditional support) and the few special people who understand and can handle people with severe MH conditions.

Extreme Health Anxiety to almost psychosis is very very hard to deal with. My friend suffers from that and honesty it has massively tested our friendship. At times she comes across as massively selfish and utterly self absorbed. I know it has broken down other relationships she has had and nearly broke down her marriage.

I'd bet you're leaving out a huuggge part of the story.

That’s very unfair as you have no idea how much OP’s friend has tried to support her or what she’s put up with before realising she had to walk away.

You might not be unreasonable to feel hurt and she might not be unreasonable to think you are selfish and a bad mother. There’s clearly a whole lot of information missing here.

Either way, if she hasn’t contacted you since October then I don’t think you need to worry about deciding whether to speak to her or not, she doesn’t want to speak to you.

Concentrate on getting better.

Almost psychosis?

There’s not much context really. I originally thought I had stomach cancer and was admitted to a mental health unit back in May. She came to see me then once and that was the one and only time I’ve seen her through it all. I updated my social media a lot during the time saying I thought I had cancer, I’m going to die.. I can’t remember a lot of what I put tbh. She never really bothered to message or ring me. I’ve got another friend who I’ve “treated” the same and she’s been there through thick and thin, sat in a&e with me, hugged me, listened and tried to reassure me over and over.

I’ve done a post of my symptoms that have been going on for a year -

loss of appetite/feeling full quick
chest pain and cough
upper left abdominal pain below my ribs
severe fatigue and sleeping a lot
itchy skin
temperature swings
burning skin all the time
dizziness
flu like symptoms
cold chills constantly

And presumably the fact that you were admitted to a MH unit, and not an oncology unit meant it was clear to your friend that your health anxiety was groundless, and you didn't have cancer, and therefore perhaps that 'trying to reassure you over and over' didn't actually make the slightest difference?

Has she ever tried to tell you about specific reasons why you are a bad mother, or how you have changed, or is it always a vague accusation?

Respectfully, I think perhaps you're not fully aware of the extent or impact of your behaviours when you were going through your psychotic episode.

The friendship is clearly over and YANBU not to contact her. She obviously doesn't want you to contact her anyway. She's ended the friendship already.

It's very hard to support someone with severe mental health difficulties OP. You need a lot of spoons to deal with a lot of wheel of fortune messages from one person. Especially when you can't help them.

She's drawn a boundary. You need to lean on the professionals. Neither of you are wrong.

OP, some of your symptoms sound like they could be a thyroid disorder, which can be difficult to diagnose. Your GP may have to do blood tests at the right time of day for the tests to pick up the fact there's a problem.

It may be that she just can't cope with mental illness. That would be a pity.

It could be that your bheaviour during ths time was so extreme it was impossible for her to deal with. You say she says you're a bad mother and she "doesn't know" you anymore which suggests there IS more to this story than you're saying becuase, at the very least, you've clearly had some sort of argument or discussion. What prompted her to make these comments?

You were posting a lot on SM during this time - I can imagine that wasn't very helpful or productive. Lots of people who do this are often very passive aggressive, or even just aggressive, towards people on there and that can also be very frustrating.

I am very sympathetic to you dealing with such severe mental health problems, but unfortunately, it doesn't mean its okay to treat someone badly.