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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left on read to arrange coffee dates

17 replies

Ginniescottage · 12/02/2025 01:30

So I'm a new mum with not many friends in this area.

I've reached out to a few people (from baby groups and mutual friends) who have responded once and then not at all. One responded once, said she'd check her calender for next week and didn't reply but viewed my story.

I'm not really a social person but want to make more friends mainly for my daughter to have friends close by.

I am assuming these people don't want to be friends (despite one meeting me for coffee before) or am I being unreasonable. One said her boiler was broken and staying with parents some way away, another said she was busy with home schooling and free next week, but once I responded again (promptly) no one came back to me.

I'm not sure what to think to be honest - re reading this seems like I'm being unreasonable! Please enlighten me.

OP posts:
Jesswebster01 · 12/02/2025 05:06

Some people are just like that I had the same problem when mine were babies. Now they are in primary and have friends there. Keep trying you only need to find one mum you click with x

BlondiePortz · 12/02/2025 05:12

I know you may want to new friends so may be thinking more about this that they are, no I am not saying who is right or wrong and there will be posters that will these people are being incredibly rude and will come up with long drawn things you should do to them and how dare they do that to you

but in reality life is busy and sometimes people have enough going on so may just want it to be a casual thing and a meet up will happen when t happens

But I do think you will upset yourself if you go down the social media/what's app route of making judgements about what things mean you dont know them enough to do that so personally if I cant handle taking things as they come I would stay off them

Brenzett · 12/02/2025 06:43

Hi OP - I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I’ve been in your shoes - making an effort to make friends and arrange coffee etc - and I’ve been the side of the women you’ve described and dodged invitations.

I voted YANBU but now I’m conflicted.

You said that your main motivation was not for yourself but for your daughter to have friends. In this case, I’d drop the rope - because your daughter will make friends anyway regardless of your own friendship

Because you say you’ve had coffee with one of them anyway - you’ve done your bit as it were, - so drop the rope. They might reach out in time

Savemefromwetdog · 12/02/2025 06:53

I did groups and play dates and coffee dates all the time with dc1. By dc2, I really could not be bothered - dc1 was at nursery by then so my days were not free and unstructured, and all I wanted to do when dc2 napped was sort the house, prep food and sit down with a hot tea by myself.

I wouldn’t take it personally, you will click with someone, just keep on with groups etc

Also - dc1 isn’t still friends with anyone I arranged all the early years play dates with, so don’t worry - they’ll make friends at nursery/school just fine.

TheScenicWay · 12/02/2025 07:02

I made friends at baby groups because I wanted friends. I wasn't worried about the baby. Thankfully I met people I clicked with and we're all still friends many years later.
Often, I'm still the one who messages suggesting get togethers and everyone responds and wants to but they don't often suggest anything.
None of their dc are friends with each other anymore. They all went to different schools and made their own friends. We started meeting up without them when they got to secondary school age.

Bearbookagainandagain · 12/02/2025 07:57

I don't think it's you. If they have other children then there are probably lots of stuff coming in the way.
I found it much easier to join local baby groups with opportunities to chat, and often there are separate "coffee/lunch" groups that separates out from those (be on the lookout for the "social mum" collecting phones numbers lol).

But I wouldn't worry too much about your child friendships at that age. They don't really care until they're at least 1.5yo.

ViciousCurrentBun · 12/02/2025 08:29

Some people already have enough friends. The area I had relocated to when I had my baby was a small ex mining area with long established families plus I had a southern accent. When DS started school the other Mums, who I did become very good friends with told me how it caused a bit of a stir and they thought I was too posh. All you can do is go to as many things as possible and make many contacts because a few will stick.

Newgirls · 12/02/2025 08:32

Go to groups as those people are more likely to want to be out meeting people.

also can you go to things in the evening not with your baby? To make friends for you too?

Pinkmoonshine · 12/02/2025 08:32

Don’t take it personally! Do join groups and activities and fill your life up and keep trying, you’ll find new friends for you and your child. But definitely don’t take any of it personally. It’s usually about them not about you, if they are busy or not able to meet up for whatever reason!

DemonicCaveMaggot · 12/02/2025 08:34

When my DC were small I joined a local mothers' group. We met once a month for a pot luck dinner (just the mothers) and then we'd arrange play dates at our houses or in local parks for the children based on age group. There were about 100 mothers in the group and I made friends with 3 of them. It can take a while to find the people you 'click' with. Even with my friends we didn't go out for coffee or similar we only really met up with the children so the babies/toddlers could socialize as well as us.

discdiscsnap · 12/02/2025 08:37

I made a group of friends at baby groups. We talked at groups, had a what's app group and sometimes met for coffee/days out with kids. Some of them fizzled out when parents went back to work. Ds is nine now and I'm good friends with two of the original group and friendly terms with the rest.

JustAskingThisQ · 12/02/2025 08:39

When I had my first baby, I had to think about:

  • my childfree friends and keeping up with them

  • my friends with kids and mixing with them

  • family connections.

  • in law family connections

  • connecting with partner's friends and their partners

  • work as a new parent

  • new home as new parents

Making new adult friends just wasn't a priority for me. I was fully adjusting to being a partner, friend, daughter, siblings etc who is now also a mother. I was behind on coffee dates with my best friends, let alone someone I just met at a baby group (but that's why I didn't attend them I suppose).

discdiscsnap · 12/02/2025 08:40

Also just to add ds isn't friends with any of the groups kids including the ones I'm still friends with, we mostly meet separately now for coffee or lunch but occasionally get together with kids in holidays.

wingsspan · 12/02/2025 08:42

JustAskingThisQ · 12/02/2025 08:39

When I had my first baby, I had to think about:

  • my childfree friends and keeping up with them

  • my friends with kids and mixing with them

  • family connections.

  • in law family connections

  • connecting with partner's friends and their partners

  • work as a new parent

  • new home as new parents

Making new adult friends just wasn't a priority for me. I was fully adjusting to being a partner, friend, daughter, siblings etc who is now also a mother. I was behind on coffee dates with my best friends, let alone someone I just met at a baby group (but that's why I didn't attend them I suppose).

This.

Don't take it personally. People are busy. It doesn't mean anything, they just have different priorities and needs.

Just keep reaching out and eventually you'll connect with someone who is looking for the same as you.

LemonMyrtle · 12/02/2025 09:01

I struggled so much making mum friends and it was strange for me because my job is dealing with people. This was not a nut I could crack. My kid goes to daycare now and has friends there. I’m back at work and have my fill of adult conversation. I have not found a mum group yet but I think when DC goes to school things will be different.

genesis92 · 12/02/2025 09:06

I had this sometimes on my first mat leave. I think if you're meeting fellow FTMs more will be willing to make new friends. Any mums that are on 2nd/3rd child may just not have the time for additional friends.

It's really hard to maintain many friendships when you go back to work and life is hectic. Just keep trying, you'll find a couple you'll eventually click with. I'm usually always the one that initiates first

RubyRedBow · 12/02/2025 11:09

It’s not you. I think a lot of people seem closed off these days.

Keep going to groups and see if any friendships develop naturally.

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