Husband doesn't listen to me.

[Wanderingfree21]

I'm really struggling with my husband. We have two kids under 5 and are renovating a house. I work part time, and when I'm not doing that I'm either with the kids when they're not in nursery, or I'm helping him at the house which he's working on 6 days a week. I do everything with the kids at the moment bar some of the bedtime routines. I keep the house as organised as I can, do all the cooking/cleaning, manage all the kids appointments and my own for my health issues.

The issue is I wanted to get help from tradesmen with this renovation as we can afford it this time and I didn't want the crazy overwhelm of working like a dog to get it up to scratch. Although he had agreed to that he has now backed out of that completely and wants to do it all himself. That's fine by me but it's too much for him to do alone as there's been some trickier things needing done and it's just a big house that's got lots of work needing done. He now expects me to go and work in the house some evenings after a full day of work then sorting kids after nursery and doing dinner and I've said I don't want to do that as it's too much for me and I'll get overwhelmed if I take on too much. He calls me selfish and complains about the amount of work he's having to do despite the fact I told him he didn't need to work himself to the bone and I could organise help. Every offer to secure tradesmen has been met with resistance and when I reiterate that I'm unwilling to do more than I'm capable of he calls me stubborn and selfish. I'm at my wits end and it feels like he just doesn't listen to me at all. What can I do to make him understand how upsetting this is for me, or AIBU and should I push myself to my limit to help get our house liveable?

What can I do to make him understand how upsetting this is for me, or AIBU and should I push myself to my limit to help get our house liveable?

You shouldn't do either of those things. You can't make someone understand your point of view no matter what you do so you need to stop wasting your energy on it. You also can't martyr yourself because your husband said so.
Every time he starts the conversation, simply (and calmly) reiterate your offer - you can get a tradesperson or he can do what he said he would do and work on it himself. Every time!
Another thing you can probably do is ask him for his reasons on doing it himself so maybe you can see his point of view and discuss alternative solutions.

He's listened to you perfectly, he just doesn't care that it's too much for you.

It isn't a case of him not listening, it's a case of him not respecting you.

In your shoes I'm afraid I'd be saying we get tradesmen in for these jobs or I'm not doing anything anymore, crack on.

Is it a financial issue - i.e. does he disagree that you can afford it? Could he know something you don't about the state of your finances?

Yea, I know both of those things are disfunctional but I don't know how to push through. I've said my peace time and again and he won't listen to me. It's making me seriously unhappy.
He has said one time that the reason he doesn't want tradesmen in is that they'll judge his work and he'll feel inferior despite the fact that he's a very competent D.I.Yer, it doesn't make sense to me.
Any time since then he's said that we wouldn't have been able to get people in to do the work in our limited timeframe of a month, so I shouldn't keep saying it over and over, but people have cancellations and I did get one company who could do some decorating in the time frame but they were far too expensive for the small amount of work we wanted done so that never happened.

Tell him you can hire a nanny for the children, a chef for the dinner, a cleaner for the house or a tradesman for the renovation but you’re not able to do all 4 jobs yourself.

He’s likely exhausting himself as well and instead of behaving like a normal human, he’s behaving like a man and is taking it out on you.

What reasons has he given for not hiring a tradesmen? Is he worried about being ripped off? Their quality isn’t up to his standard?

You're doing enough. If he doesn't want to employ people, that's his problem. Tell him you've said no and you're not discussing it again.

If he calls you names then tell him to stop being disrespectful and you're not listening to it and leave the room. If he gives you the silent treatment then you need to have a conversation about the way he handles conflict.

You have a decision to make if he carries on.

No, it's my money we'd be spending so I know we can afford it. He has said he'd like us to save as much money as possible if he's capable of doing the work, but I'd rather be less stressed for both of our sakes.

Oh FFS, he wants his very busy, knackered and stressed wife to come help renovate a house because his ego can’t handle being judged?

Just keep telling him to let you know when to book trades in every time he mentions it.

What’s his reasoning for backing out?
You feel you can afford it but does he?
Have you thoroughly checked with your accountant / bank there’s definitely not an issue with money your partner doesn’t want to tell you about as it’s odd behaviour without good reason.

If renovation help is out of the picture can you seek help elsewhere that you are in control of instead and don’t need his input? Like a cleaner, babysitters and takeaway food, (there are now healthy meals that can be ordered online to save you cooking).

If the answer is you can 100% afford the renovation help and he knows it and is not needing the money for something else, then he is being unreasonable demanding your time when you have expressed you don’t have the capabilities. You need to hold your ground, and look after yourself. When he demands you help, say your offer still stands on hiring help. Make sure you are looking after you, not just your family.

I honestly don't know at this point if he ever intended on getting professional help in or wether he was just saying what I wanted to hear. I know he's anxious about working alongside people he doesn't know, but I didn't know this would be an issue when we discussed our plans.

There's definitely no financial issues we've got a lump sum put aside to help with the work.

If it's your money, can you not present him with a fait accompli and engage workmen?

I wouldn't engage with a man who used words such as 'stubborn' and 'selfish' to me. He would know very quickly that it wasn't acceptable.

I don't have the greatest self worth so I definitely accept things I shouldn't, would love that to change this year.

Have you considered option 3 - don't "make him understand", and don't do what he wants either? Just don't work in the evenings, and what he understands is up to him.

Sometimes when people don't listen, it's time to stop talking. You've said what you had to say - "No, I am not going to do that" - so stop repeating yourself. Grey rock it if he moans - "Ok"; "I'm selfish, got it"; "Oh yes, I'm a monster". You repeating the same stuff and him repeating the same stuff isn't working (he would probably say you're "not listening"), so stop doing your half of the double act and he'll have to stop his.

If it's your house as much as his, and your money, you don't need his permission to hire someone to do some of the DIY. Tell him if he complains again, you'll be making the call. Then do it. "Nope, not going to work in the evenings. But I'm going to pay this guy to do my share, so it's fine". In a cheery, unconcerned tone. Stop acting like you need his permission to say no. You've said it; end of. Break the mental habit of thinking he's the boss and you're the supplicant. Forget about making him understand your point of view, and instead make him understand (with actions not words) that you can have your point of view, and act accordingly, whether he agrees / approves or not. He'll understand that you mean what you say when you do it.

I definitely repeat myself too much and it's clearly not working. I like the grey rock approach, not one I've used but sounds very effective.

Get another young woman in to say the same things you're saying
They tend to listen to any other female