Feel so confused..

[Rowyourboat2]

I just need advice, and confirmation I’m not going crazy!

my partner has a circle of friends who have become my friends. One of the females is single, however she’s got a reputation for sleeping with most of the females husbands in the group, some know, some don’t! I became fairly good friends with her, she’d do my brows, we’d have a laugh etc. However, she started to slag my partner off a lot and almost used to try and convince me it wouldn’t last. I’ll be honest, at the time I just thought she was jealous and stopped seeing her as much.

whenever she’s been the talk of conversation, I’ve asked my partner if he’s slept with her before and he’s categorically denied it, said awful things about her etc so I giggled it off.

Fast forward and one of his male friends has been messaging me, I’ve always told my partner everytime, I’ve always found it weird but still, he’s continued. The other day the conversation flipped to said girl, and he told me that my partner had slept with her, that it wasn’t a one off and that she had caught feelings.
i understand it was before me, but to me that’s irrelevant as he’s lied to me numerous times when I’ve asked him and she’s been telling me all sorts so now it feels like there was an ulterior motive!
I asked my partner why he’d lied to me, he said to save my feelings and he was embarrassed which I get, but he denied it going on for a while.
I’ve told him I can’t forgive him for this, I’ve told him I don’t think I can stand him going to this blokes house now because his partner is best friends with said girl and i don’t think I can associate with said girl anymore! Am I being unreasonable?
I feel like it would be a very different story if he’d discovered I’d lied and had slept with one of his mates!

I don’t think you’re being totally unreasonable no. It was before you and him had a relationship so usually I’d say everyone has a past and you’re not entitled to know about everyone’s previous partners, but I do think when she’s part of your lives it does change that dynamic and I’d want to know if a woman I was friends with and spending time with had also had a relationship with my husband.

I honestly don’t think I can accept my partner going to his mates house now, when I know it’s highly likely she will be there.
i totally agree about past partners too! But I feel like everyone’s been told to keep it secret behind my back.

What a cess pit you've got involved in. Judge people by who they are friends with. I would cut and run.

You became friends with someone who is a liar and an arsehole. In a group of friends where lying and cheating is the norm.

You lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. Bin the lot of them off. And next time, judge a man by the company he keeps.

Goodness me.

I would end it too.

If he told you upfront they'd slept together it'd be no big deal, everyone has a past. A mature person would do just that. 'Hey, looking forward to later! I just wanted to mention something, one of our circle will be there tonight, Sarah. We had a fling x number of years ago. It only lasted a couple of weeks but I wanted to let you know so there's no dishonesty' it's not difficult.

But finding out you'd been lied to, repeatedly, and that you didn't know while other people did, is just so disrespectful I couldn't put up with it. I'd have no issues socialising with a friend of DH's he'd been with in the past if it was before me and clear nothing was ongoing, but if he had done it and then lied to me and I later found out I'd be fuming.

This isn't 'everyone has a past' territory, because he has lied to you in the present. Dump him. No wonder you don't want to hang around her, knowing that she's slept with him, that she knows it's a secret, and you have no idea. So uncomfortable. If you'd known it's a totally different story!

Sleeping with her isn't the issue.

Lying about it is.

They both sound sly and dishonest. I would be breaking up with him and not being friends with her.

Just end it. They all sound about 16. "Caught feelings" is awful and shows the maturity level. It's not worth bothering with.

But don't you think this male friend could be saying this because he fancies you? If you think the girl could act that way then why not this fella?
Do you trust your partner? If you do then I don't think you should listen to anything about who she may or may not have slept with or fancies.
Has she admitted to sleeping with everyone else's partner to you? Or are these rumours generated by someone else?
The whole thing sounds pretty childish tbh.

as soon as the friend said it, my first thought was “your a sleeze” as in my opinion, he shouldn’t be messaging his mates partner anyway! He had no reason to tell me, it was clearly going to cause problems.

She has slept with other peoples husbands yes, I have heard her saying it before, but, as awful as it sounds, it wasn’t mine, so I wasn’t bothered until I’d discovered he had before we began, but I’ve asked him so many times before.

Hes apologised a lot but I’m unsure I can get past it at the minute to be honest, it’s not the fact it’s occurred, it’s the lying and kind of betrayal.

Definitely won’t be talking to her again, the mate I am unsure about, I still think he is a sleeze, but my partner….thats a massive break of trust in my opinion and I keep reminding him that If this were the other way round, he’d likely never forgive me

I wouldn't want to be involved with this friendship group regardless of what your partner has/hasn't done. Him being involved with a group like that would be enough to put me off.

She has slept with other peoples husbands yes, I have heard her saying it before, but, as awful as it sounds, it wasn’t mine, so I wasn’t bothered

It does sound awful.

Honestly, this whole group of people just sounds toxic and immature and it doesn't sound like anyone involved actually likes each other very much.

No, he shouldn't have lied to you about having slept with her in the past. Equally, his friend shouldn't be messaging you in what seems to be an obvious attempt to stir things up so he can shag you himself. Neither should the woman involved be slagging off your partner to you, and you shouldn't be happily hanging around with someone who fucks her mates' husbands as if that's no big deal.