My child wants to move to a worse secondary school to be with friends.

[Wieralmostthere]

Hi. I have a child in Y8, who has decided over the last 5 months that she wants to move to the secondary school that some of her primary school friends go to. Which is in our catchment area. She wasn’t close to any of them when she went up to secondary school, and was even enjoying her new school. The school she goes to is a very good school and her older sister goes there. The school she asks every day to move to is not. I feel awful when she’s begging every morning to move, but I know that educationally it would be the wrong move. She sees her friends after school and weekends, but that is obviously not enough. How do I explain to her that I do care if she’s happy.. or is that the reason she should move?

I wouldn’t move her.
My secondary school child floats in and out of friendship groups constantly as well as having her solid group. If you changed school for friends you’d be forever moving.

Is there something going on at her new school? Does she have friends at the school. does she have playdates with them to to build up her friendship with them outside of school.

Honestly i wouldn't move my child for that. friendships at this age are so fluid and if she ends up at school with them and they fall out etc then what?

Does she have friends at her current school?

And if she falls out with the friends, or they move? Will she expect to move back. Tbh you need to be the parent and choose the best one for longer term. She is not struggling and still sees her old friends too.

This is a difficult one & I can't offer advice, but came on to say that my cousin still hasn't forgiven her Mum for not letting her go to the same secondary school as her friends & she's 45 years old! My aunt's reasons were same as yours: the school she went to had an excellent academic reputation. Cousin did extremely well in GCSEs & A levels, but lost touch with most of her former friends. It's a difficult one!

Year 8 not ages 8. Bit old for playdates

She does, just not as many. I think she is distancing herself from them though.

don't move her - especially not for people who aren't long term close friends, stand firm, she'll get over it. Friendship groups are hugely shifting at that age

Our DD wanted to move at one point for a group of girls at another school who now she actively avoids in our village as they bully her.

Has she not made any friends at her new school? Does she socialise with anyone from her new school outside of it or is she focusing on her old friends instead?

I still had friends over in year 8. what do you call them if not playdates? I still call it playdates when my adult friends come over. they come over and you play - maybe not with with ice cream van but with your make up and your hair and whatever else 12 year olds do. Do you really need to be so rude? I'm just trying to provide some advice. If you don't have anything nice to say then maybe keep your mouth firmly shut.

Moving to be with friends is a terrible idea.
If she's unhappy where she is address that.
In my experience, it matters less - in terms of friendship - where you go to school once they become old enough to socialise and travel outside of school.
Year 8 can be quite a tough year socially and she might be feeling that her other friends are more attractive for some reason. But friendships can be fickle in teenage girls.
I'd listen and ask her to explain why she's not happy where she is. I wouldn't encourage the tears in the morning and say you'll have a conversation when she's calmer at the weekend.

Moving schools because a child misses their friends is not a good reason.

As a parent in this situation, I just wouldn't even entertain it as an option. Don't give the impression you might be persuadable in any way. It's a hard no.

But, I would be sympathetic to her desire to stay in touch with former friends, and enable that as much as possible, driving her to see them and arranging things at weekends etc.

She’s likely putting little to no effort into building friendships with children from her school and choosing to concentrate on her old friends instead, which isn’t a great decision for herself.

I wouldn’t move her, I’d be encouraging her to try get to know children from her current school better and making effort out of school with them.

I live in between a good secondary school and one with a terrible reputation. Most of DD’s friends went to the bad school and only a handful got into the good one. She had some wobbles to begin with but has now found her people and has nothing to do with her old friends, a lot of them I hear have turned into bullies that fight, cause trouble and vape etc so I’m glad she stuck at it.

God I would definitely drop the word “play date” once your child is over about 9. Utter cringe!

How is your child doing academically? If she's doing well, do you know the set up of the school she wants to attend? Achievement can be very specific to the set a child is in even in a school that looks on average to be poor. DD asked us to allow her to attend a "needs improvement " high school with her friend group rather than an independent school. She promised us she would achieve and indeed she did. The school segregated its 2 top sets and the quality of teaching was outstanding. Many pupils gained 9s and 8s across the board at GCSE.
The majority of her group continued to a selected sixth form and are all currently receiving offers for RG universities. DD has a Cambridge offer and her best friend an offer from Oxford.
I'd consider your DDs request but understand your position as I was highly sceptical that things would work out as well as they did for us.Good luck!

This. A close friend, when her daughter was in Y6 and wanted to go to a much less good school that some friends were going to, told her daughter, "No. This is MY decision, because I'm the parent here."

Does she have any issues at her current school?

I wouldn't move her. I see her point of view, and I know young teenagers can fixate on certain things (of varying feasibility) as the answer to of their problems. But no, a move like this is not justified. Year 8 is a tricky one, friendships are still a bit fluid, they are still learning to move from "childhood" to more "adult" type relationships. They have some freedom but most haven't really stretched their wings yet. In a couple of years she will be about to socialise more naturally with whoever she wants out of school, and may even appreciate the separation of her best friends and school.

I sent my two boys to a slightly further away school for secondary. I felt they needed the better discipline and wanted them away from some troublemakers from primary. They both did agree at the time that they wanted to go where I sent them but I think both of them did ask to switch schools at one point. I just shut it down and said I had sent them to the school that was best for them and wouldn't be moving them.

One of them is finished with school now and one is in Year 11 and both had very settled experiences. My eldest didn't do brilliantly academically but he was unlikely to wherever he went and he didn't have any of the exclusions etc that a very similar child from his primary did at our more local school.

Please move her

Say NO! I have experience and it was so borne out in the end, she thanked me later for not giving her what she wanted.

I can see it from both sides tbh. A child who is not happy at school probably will not do as well as they would have if they were happy, regardless of how good the school is. And, a good, dedicated student will do well anywhere, even at a “bad” school. So I wouldn’t necessarily look at in terms of “this school is better”.

But, I do also think that friendships can be very fluid at that age, and that it doesn’t necessarily make sense to move just for friends. Unless there are issues like bullying at the current school.

Ultimately though, I wouldn’t want my child to be unhappy during their secondary school years. It’s too long a period and at such an important stage in their lives. I had a totally miserable secondary school experience purely because of going to a school which might have been “good” but wasn’t the right fit for me, and I wouldn’t wish that on my own child.

Don’t be afraid of being the unpopular mum. Her progress and safety are your responsibility.

The fact that she keeps on and on about it is presumably because you've given her cause to think you might change her mind. I absolutely would not even entertain moving schools purely because of friendship (particularly not teenage girls). Why on earth would you consider moving her to a worse school when you have an older sibling at current school and academically she's doing well.

the sooner you shut this down the better and she may then realise she needs to invest a bit more time in developing friendships at her current school or accept school is for working and weekends for socialising with her old mates.

I would not want to change schools.
And year 8/9 are difficult years for social & personal reasons for lots of girls. It's a horrible age really.

I think an outright 'no' would be a bad idea and make her more resistant to the current school.

Could you long it out a bit. Say we will be thinking about it. Make an appointment to view the school (no apts available for another 6 weeks though..) and then arrange another apt to discuss with head of year... tell DD she needs to be absolutely sure and give her all the exam result stats, opportunities of both schools, lots of long forms to complete and things to attend. She'll eventually give up and get bored of the idea while you appear to be taking it very seriously and not saying no.

I had this. I said “Nope. You didn’t like those girls in primary and you have nothing good to say about them now. And two boys out of 180 other students are not a good enough reason”. And she didn’t like the school when we toured. She stayed where she was.