To think friendship is something parents can’t force?

[Brenzett]

When I was 13 my mum called me ‘selfish’ for not socialising outside of school. I’d socialised ‘til I was 12, then stopped at 13.

I personally think I wasn’t being ‘selfish’ - the meaning of selfish that people use day to day is more when someone inconveniences people - I.e. parks in the middle of a road and blocks a road - when they were perfectly visible of driving slightly and pulling in.

in the year I’d turned 13 I’d gone through a lot of changes - gone on a diet and lost a lot of weight going down from fat kid to normal weight kid and I was just finding my feet

Changes take place anyway as a teen - you sometimes ‘pull away’ from primary school friends

As a result of mum calling me selfish I turned into a huge people pleaser as I wanted to avoid that label making me a doormat and bullied/humiliated. I also had some abusive friendships/relationships and subsequently underachieved academically.

Parents imo should be VERY careful when using the word selfish to kids it can cause huge damage.

Also it’s parents role is to gradually allow teenagers to make totally independent adult decisions - and they can’t do this is they’re forcing them into friendships surely ?

’.

And also let’s face it - nobody has the authority to force an adult to socialise - so why force a 13 year old? Surely parents’ job is to prepare teenagers for adulthood ?

I reckon lots of teens have enough social life at school - must be exhausting all those people and just need to chill out at home. Your mum sounds bit of a nightmare.

Selfish is an odd word to use in that context...selfish to who?

Not knowing you or her or the whole situation, could it just be that she was worried about you and didn't want you to be isolated or lonely. Most people want their kids to socialise and have friends

I’d be concerned if my DD (who is that age now) didn’t have friends or socialised at all outside of school at weekends etc.

I wouldn’t call her or think she was being selfish though. I wouldn’t ever force her to be friends with someone but I think most mothers want their children to have friends?

I spent much of my childhood being called selfish and spoiled. I spent most of my life trying to do all I can to not be selfish or spoiled. I now realise I was never selfish or spoiled in the first place, it was my parents way of getting out of actual parenting. I was spoiled because there was food on the table (sometimes) and a roof over my head. I was selfish because I cried when my mother made me stay in the car, pumping the pedal (car would break down if it was turned off, apparently) whilst she got drunk with her boyfriend at his flat. I embarrassed her with my selfishness because a chap from the neighbouring flat found me crying and struggling with the car. I was 8.

My father tried to force friendships on me, dropping me off with the family round the corner. I went to school with these kids. I was bullied terribly by them and their friends at school. It was hell.

He still thinks I was best of friends with the girl my age. She was an evil little thing. Apparently she's doing great now - much better than me of course.

Some parents just arnt fit.

And you yourself op said you socialized until age 12...then just stopped at 13. I'd be concerned if that was my dc. I wouldn't force them or call them selfish but I'd definitely be a bit worried.

Yes she was a nightmare ! Spot on !!

thanks for your opinion on this

Yes … that’s a question I’ve asked -

selfish to who?

my mum said :

”your father and I WANT you to socialise !! Like some sort of Victorian parent !!

I think it would be normal for a parent to encourage a teen to socialize, if they don’t appear to be doing so without encouragement. Maybe not “force” because I’m not quite sure how you would force them.

Selfish is not a word I can imagine using in that scenario because I’m not quite sure in what way it could be selfish.

"Selfish" seems an odd word for your mum to have used unless there was more to it than you’ve told us. For instance, could it be that you suddenly started refusing to socialise at all with another child you’d been friendly with in the past, and that other child was hurt and lonely?

You seem to be putting an awful lot of blame for subsequent issues on this remark of your mother's. I find it hard to believe that this one word from your mother could be responsible for the whole development of your character and the problems you have encountered in life.

Omg I could’ve written this !! I SO sympathise !! ❤️❤️❤️

I was also called selfish and spoiled - I think they do say it to get out of parenting!!

I did everything I could to avoid those labels !!

Ok your second paragraph - fair enough actually. I see your point and to be fair I could’ve done more to navigate a smoother course

Probably didn’t want you hanging round the house all the time, so in their view it was selfish of you to not let them have time alone. But a radical change of behaviour as a parent I would have worried that you were being bullied or had fallen out with all your friends.

I’m a Gen X kid so it was out and about all the time the stereotype of roaming wild and free in a small gaggle of mates.

This. I’d also be deeply concerned about a 13 year old who went on a diet. Whose idea was the diet? Or was it simply growing out of puppy fat?

My idea. I went down from

10 stone (heavy for 13 yo) to

7 and a half stone (normal for 13 yo)

Thanks to everyone for responding.

The other consequence of my mum forcing me to “make” “friends” is that I couldn’t say no to my peers leading to inevitable bullying and felt socially as though I had to accept “the crumbs off the table”.

This led sadly to me aged 18 being in a terrible relationship for 7 years !! Including one incident very early on in our relationship where my partner tried to engage me in a sexual activity that looking back I was too drunk to consent to !

I’ve only just realised over 30 years later that it was sexual assault. But my mum had conditioned me that it was selfish to say ‘no’

The other damaging effect of forced friendships is it made me feel that friendships were something to be done out of a sense of obligation iyswim - not out of REALLY wanting to have friendships

I also feel that my mum forcing friendships led to me having VERY poor boundaries

OP, respectfully (and I say this as someone who was damaged by poor parenting), you’re an adult now, and need to take responsibility for your own behaviour. Therapy would help. Just blaming your mother for telling you you were selfish not to engage in friendships aged 13 is not go8ng to help you deal with ongoing issues.

Now that I have a teenager myself who let's just say isn't easy, I'm afraid I always wonder on these, many now, threads what your mums side of this would be.

It seems we have swathes of young people who want validation that their parents, normally mum, were awful.

Parenting some teenagers is FUCKING HARD. You have to be absolutely perfect despite them constantly pushing boundaries.

My point is, I expect your mother would paint rather a different picture.

I think sometimes extroverted parents find it impossible to realise that an introverted child doesn't need company all the tie. My brother and I were both relatively unsociable kids. We both had friends, but after seeing them all day, every day at school we were both also very happy to just to chill and do our own thing after school and at weekends. It wasn't like I never socialised, but I was never especially keen to have friends round after school and I didn't ever want to join clubs or anything. My parents were fine with that (despite my older sister being the total opposite and wanting to be with friends all the time) but I know lots of people whose parents absolutely would have badgered their kids about that, made them feel like weirdos, told them it wasn't normal, etc. Sounds like your parents were like that.

I think maybe you're overstating the impact of that one thing on you as an adult. But YANBU to think it's unhelpful and inaccurate to make a teenager feel they're weird or 'selfish' for not being particularly sociable.

I find it hard OP that you didn’t develop your own life compass at some point as to what is right and what is wrong. Part of growing up is learning independence, how to navigate the rights and wrongs of a multitude of situations, learning to spot the sharks amongst the shoal, avoiding getting into situations where you have little control. I’m not saying that you weren’t influenced by your parents, but you might just have benefitted from a bit more resilience, and it’s not particularly beneficial to look back and apportion blame to childhood teachings entirely. Every human being at some point in their life has to take responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Otherwise you risk making the same mistakes?