To be upset by my mother's rewriting of history?

[BaMamma]

Longish story, I quit school after L6 because I got bad results in my mocks and knew I didn't have the motivation to pull my socks up in U6 and get the results I needed. At the time my brother, 4 years older, was retaking his A levels for the 4th or 5th time (retakes some Septembers, most Junes since he left U6) and I did not want to follow his example
My mum then decided she wanted to go abroad for a few months and the best way to do that was to rent the house out. By this time, she'd moved my boyfriend into the house as a lodger without asking me, and then into my room when family came to stay. He and I thought we might be included in the 'rent the house' plan, but then my mum decided to give control of the house over to my brother. He and his friends would rent the house, and I was sent to my dad's to live.
My boyfriend was one of the friends renting the house, but as soon as my mum was out of the picture, my brother said I couldn't spend nights there. Meanwhile, my stepmum made it clear that I was a guest and the room I was staying in was the guest room, not my room.
Luckily my boyfriend and I found a house share with some friends of his, which worked out okay for a while. Then my dad bought my brother a ticket to the US, and my Mum sold the family home. I moved around a lot, including a period in the US, and eventually found steady employment, got a degree, and bought my own place.

My brother spent 5 years in the States, mostly fishing in Alaska, and eventually got himself in such a state (alcohol addiction) that my mum asked my dad to buy him a ticket home.
My brother is currently experiencing a depressive bipolar episode, and my Mum is relating it back to his difficult years in the States and coming back to no real home and having lost friends while he was away.

I'm really trying to support my Mum in dealing with my brother's poor mental health, but it's hard when she's making out that his life was somehow much harder than mine.

I know it's not a competition, but AIBU to be pissed off with this retelling?

No - you’re not being unreasonable. But heads up no matter what you say it won’t matter. My parents are exactly the same. My poor sibling has had such a hard life - completely ignoring my tribulations as well.

I know it won't matter, which is probably why I'm here looking for affirmation!

This weekend she even said, "and when he came back, I'd sold his, I mean your home..." Yes, it was my home too, and he kicked me out of it when I was 18 and he was 22!!!

I’m sorry. It hurts and there is absolutely no reason for it. This is not on you. This is on your mom. I did many years of therapy to let go and still sometimes I wobble and cry but it does get better if you just accept it.

Do correct her when she is saying this? As in 'yes, I was there. I was 18 and he was 22'

I used to, but she gets angry if I query or correct her version of events.
Years ago I got her to hear my version and for a while I was content knowing she’d heard it once, but it’s really bothering me again. I think maybe because I’ve been telling her that my daughter, nearly 19, will always have space in my home without saying why this is important to me, and it feels like she’s taken it onboard and translated into a regret she has about my brother!

Same as my parents sometimes she even goes beyond and swears that I’m remembering it wrong.

I'm really trying to support my Mum in dealing with my brother's poor mental health, but it's hard when she's making out that his life was somehow much harder than mine.

Why are you trying to support your mother and brother?

Are there significant acts of support that they have provided that you haven't mentioned? Or is your mother abandoning you at 18 and your brother refusing you access to your home even though your boyfriend was renting there, indicative of how they have treated you in the years since?

It sounds a bit like you might be trying to prove to your mum what a good DD you are and expecting your actions to change her view of you. If this is the case you need to wake up a bit - that isn't going to happen. You need to start looking after yourself first and not put much time, money or emotional investment into relationships with people who do not feel about you the way you feel about them.

Have you had any counseling about your childhood/young adulthood and the way your were treated?

It’s been pretty rocky over the years, my brother and I would argue, she’d take his side, he’d go into a manic episode, I’d support her, round and round.
Shortly before we emigrated he cut off contact with me and I was relieved, with me on the other side of the world, there wouldn’t be any family gatherings for her to guilt me into attending.
But here we are and she’s bringing up old arguments he’s upset about to blame me for his current episode.

And, yes, I’ve had counselling and therapy, or I’d be a basket case by now!!

Right. So why are you supporting them? Why not just feign polite disinterest if you want to keep things vaguely civil? Or just tell your mum to call you when she has some time for you but say you aren’t interested in talking about your brother any more?

Why hurt yourself by putting yourself in a position where this current situation is bound to happen?

Since I’ve moved to the West Coast I talk with my Mum on the phone once a week and it’s usually great, there’s mutual support and friendship and it’s all groovy, but every now and then, with no warning, she’ll bring up issues with my brother and I feel attacked. Then she goes all pitiful old person on me and I respond.

Would it help to have a stock phrase you could use to cut that line of conversation with. Not 'you were a fucking awful parent who abandoned me as a teen', however accurate it might be, but maybe something along the lines of 'recollections may vary'.
It really isn't your job to support either of them though.

It’s not your fault you’re brother is ill… it’s not your mothers fault he is ill.

it’s unfortunate and sad the way he treated you as a late teen. It was wrong.

I honestly think you just need to let it go… your mother has deceived herself and is unlikely to change.

I recommend going LC

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to keep letting it happen. Be kinder to yourself. Practice some noncommittal phrases to use when she brings up your brother and suddenly remember a reason to end the call. Be breezy. Don't challenge her, just don't engage when she goes down that path. You won't be able to change her.