Brother constantly taking money of mum with dementia

[Sasss1111111111]

Not sure if this is the right place for this, I really just wanted a rant. I would be surprised if you didn't agree with me but equally open to hearing all views

My brother and his wife constantly took money off my parents. They were the first to have kids and were always "skint" so my mum and dad bank rolled them for everything- holidays, kids swimming and sports lessons, clothes. Everything! My brother and his wife have 4 children aged 4 to 16

The thing is they only keep in touch with people that have a use to them. So people willing to give money to them, or babysit for them or whatever it may be. No use no contact, hence why my parents gave them so much money.

Their kids are the only children on his wife's side of the family. She has both parents desperate to spend time with their 4 kids well as aunties that dote on their kids as they were unable to have kids (and so no grandkids) themselves. In essende their kids have 4 lots of grandparents. All willing to do whatever they wanted them to do to keep access.

So as of today, my dad is no longer alive and my mum has dementia. Her concept of money is zero.(she thinks her house is worth £125). Yet he still asks her for money!

She is paying for their holiday. We've stopped her driving so he has asked her for car. He wants money to pay for his daughters driving lessons. Oh and he earns £80k a year!!

I have POA so this weekend I'm going to tell him he can't ask for money off someone who doesn't a) have that much and b) doesn't have the ability to know what she is agreeing to.

So... here goes me being frozen out and no longer seeing them or more importantly their kids. Or my kids getting to see their cousins or aunt/uncle. And possibly my mum also being frozen out too (hoping he will continue to help care for her but who knows)

Not sure if that makes sense, just wanted to brain dump as feeling rather upset about it .

Implement the PoA first. Just withdraw your mum's ability to access money so she can't give him any.
If he asks just say it's not possible as it's in conflict with your legal duty as PoA.

I agree with this.

Get everything set up first, people like this will do anything to get their hands on the money. That includes fraud and theft.

This is so sad and awful how some people take advantage of the elderly.
It’s important to report to Social Services because if nothing else at least your concerns have been logged.

You need to implement the POA now, speak to her bank and put limits on the amount of money she is able to transfer or withdraw. Then she'll still have a degree of independence on day to day spending, but won't be able to give ££ to your brother

You can also tell the bank that you believe she is being financially abused by her son. She if there are specific controls they can put in place around transfers to his account

@Sasss1111111111 On verge of implementing. She's definitely confused but not.lost all capacity just yet so keep umming and ahhing when to implement. Will probably be sooner rather than later thanks to my brother

She doesn't have to "lose all capacity" for you to make the best interest decision and not to allow her son to take her money. What you described earlier about her having no concept of money (eg the price of her house) this sounds like she doesn't have the capacity to deal with her finances (however this may fluctuate). She may still have capacity to make other decisions in her life. You are making the right decision not to give your brother money.

Can relate to this OP - am not POA for finance for my mum only for health so you are in a good position & like everyone is saying can use the legal obligations of the role etc to justify your actions.

The difficulty comes when your brother will no doubt claim that your mother has happily funded him pre dementia & to date & may well expose you to your DM & claim you are blocking her giving him any more, causing conflict & distress. This could breach trust between you & her if he plays you off against her. Is his spending for eg threatening her financial security or can she afford both her own care needs & fund him?

If anything like my mum who has been very codependent & funded my adult brother all his life, she defends giving him money/yet refuses to accept that he's also rinsing her at the same time, using it on his addictions & threatening her financial security. Something that pre dementia she would have drawn the line at - although it's very blurry because she is an enabler & cannot help herself. So much so that she is in debt now & cannot pay for any care she may need at home as her condition progresses. She has lost the ability to guage how much she actually has per month & overestimates how much she can spend/& enable him. When I try to explain this (the situation w/no blame /need to make sure she has financial security etc) it's met with denial & hostility & accusations of interfering in her private affairs. As a result she is refusing me setting up online banking so that greater scrutiny over her account can be made & is more than likely going to grant him access with the bank as an approved person who can draw out money on her behalf etc. as he lives with her & does the bulk atm of running her to appointments & errands etc. He does zero domestic, cleaning, gardening or personal care or support however. On the surface he appears like the dutiful son/carer & he is very kind to her. His difficulties come onto play with severe demand avoidance but it's falling to watch at the same time as he won't help in the home in any way.

My mum however is nowhere near as progressed with the disease as to be lacking capacity yet & so I feel like I am just having to sit back & watch a car crash. He has MH & autism difficulties & I do not think is an appropriate enough adult to manage her affairs (despite for years having access to her account & being fully cognisant of how much he's using & abusing it).

Sorry to derail your thread & vent my own & realise I probably need to join the Dementia Grouo on here!!!

You have my sympathies though OP because you have the poisoned chalice & are literally surrounded by a minefield of conflicts & difficulties that acting in this way may set off.

Thankfully my mum's POA for finance is a solicitor but he's been very clear that invoking it is way down the line (not that I want to - as I want to uphold her independence as much as possible).

It's a horrible position to be in but thank god your DM has someone (you) to protect her interests. Can the fact that you were chosen as her POA for finance give you any confidence in your authority in this matter? Not that you necessarily need it more to kind of remind you were chosen to do the right thing (not him?)

Get her money into another account he doesn't have the details for. He's vile.