Moving on with life and unexplained secondary infertility

[Rafaello]

I have a DC at primary school. We have been trying for another baby for years, with several losses. I haven’t been pregnant for 18 months now. Investigations have all come back with nothing remarkable and we have been diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility/unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss.

It is killing me that I can’t give my DC a sibling.

I have a lovely group of mum Friends, but they are all on baby 2/3 at the moment… one of them has just had baby number 4.I am literally the only one who hasn’t had a baby or been pregnant in the last year. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don’t even want to do the school run because I just don’t want to be around it, and then I feel like an awful person because they are lovely and it’s not their fault.

There has been very little support from the hospital, just “call us if you get a positive test and you can have extra scans”. If I speak to anyone about it they usually say something like “well you know can get pregnant because you’ve had a child” which is infuriating although I know they are just trying to help.

I do fill up a lot of my time with work/qualifications/hobbies/family time/a renovation… my cup is pretty full but I feel like I’m just on hold because I’m waiting for something to happen. We are hoping to do fertility treatment in the future but are putting a lot of money into a renovation so will do it in about a years time when we no longer have that expense. I do counselling & journaling and am working hard to be positive but I don’t feel it

please, ANYONE who has been through similar? I feel like I’m keeping busy and doing everything I can but it’s like I’m living life holding my breath.

Not secondary infertility but infertile from endometriosis. I felt exactly the same as you do about everything except I didn't have a child to love at all (not trying to make you feel bad).

We finally had our baby after five cycles of IVF, which were horrific. Countless people have asked if we are having a second child and originally we wanted two, but after the ordeal we went through to get baby one we won't even consider it. We are blessed and that is the end of it.

The only thing that gets people through IVF is desperation and unless you are absolutely desperate I wouldn't even consider it. I just cuddle my baby and put the thought of a second out of my mind because we are blessed and I don't want another doctor near my foof EVER AGAIN after everything I've been through.

Just something for you to consider before embarking on an IVF journey.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck x

Secondary infertility is so shit. The being left out feeling is very real. You are in the parent club which is great but you are constantly around people having successful pregnancies and lots of the chat about having multiple kids.

Not much comfort but you are currently in the thick of it with siblings being born. In five or even three or two years or so it won't be so intense.

I teach and I've had quite a few kids have had siblings arrive when they were in year two or three or four. If your age isn't a big factor then hopefully the fact you conceived before will mean you will conceive again.

I have had this - 7yrs between my two, many miscarriages. There’s a thought (by my consultant) I can’t carry boys - but that’s difficult to diagnose. Do push to see a consultant - I went on Clomid, which can result in multiple births (and it did with me but we lost one). This is the hardest part of TTC - but try to relax. I cringe even saying that as it’s almost impossible - but things do happen when you least expect it.

Yes - it took four and a half years to conceive DS2, three mcs along the way, and probably a fourth very early one. It took us three years to conceive DS1 so it wasn’t entirely a shock, but the mcs were. I was prepared to keep trying a while longer. The last mc was tested - trisomy 15. But basically they were duff eggs, and the wonderful consultant said there was always a chance of producing a good one, but people needed to consider their mental health. He asked me if the mcs were getting easier or harder to deal with. I knew they were getting easier - almost routine. When I got pregnant with DS2 I got my diary out and worked out when I’d have the DC if it failed again - what would I need to reorganise at work at 8 weeks. I was that practical.

I really think you have to ask the question whether you can keep trying. I knew I could. But I also knew I was two and done - no way would I have even completed trying for a third.

I hope you get there.

Sorry you’re going through this. Like the previous poster I am very happy to have one child born after years of IVF and recurrent miscarriages and have decided not to put myself through it again. But everyone is different. I have a friend who had one round of IVF for her first and then was absolutely desperate for a second child, I think she ended up doing around 7 rounds with her own eggs then two with donor eggs before she had success.

You mentioned you’ve had tests done - I assume they were with a private clinic and not the NHS as you already have a child? NHS tests are very basic. There are some clinics who do more in depth testing though some of the treatment options are not based on solid evidence.

I should say our age gap is 7 almost 8 years as we didn’t start trying until after two years due to nursery costs. What a joke that was. DS1 was in juniors when DS2 arrived.

Sorry for your losses and the struggle you're going through OP. I relate to so much of your post.
I have a four year old and have been trying for our second for the several years, which has included a late miscarriage but have not had another pregnancy since. Several of the mums in our group were pregnant at the same time as me, so it's been hard to see them all with two, it's a constant reminder for me and I feel sad not be a part of those conversations.
I had unexplained infertility before I naturally conceived my child, so I really do count my blessings but the grief is still there for me. I plan to look into therapy to try to process everything. Sorry I don't really have advice but I just wanted to say you are not alone and I really hope things work out for you x

Actually NHS investigations. Where we live we can have tests (for the MCs) even though we have a child. However if something was identified then any treatment would have to be private. This was an MRI (me), blood tests for both of us, an ultrasound (me). The consultant was very good at explaining things and I think works with MC charities from what I’ve read.

We are looking at further private testing but it means travelling quite far, definitely an overnight stay and so there’s a lot of logistics to organise. I also feel like if they say “you can try this” then I would want to try straight away and I know we ideally need to wait for a bit longer while we are spending a lot on renovations (which I agreed to as a distraction tbh 🤣)

But thank you for your lovely messages. I don’t feel like such a horrible person at least for feeling miserable around people with multiple children

Secondary infertility is the hardest thing I have ever been through, it is a soul destroying feeling some days - seeing other families expand, being grateful for what you have and the constant knowledge that life is not in your control. Having another baby was the primary driving force of my life for a long time.

I wish you the very best. Ultimately we spent four years in fertility treatment which did not work. We did however get pregnant, after we said goodbye to fertility treatment, and now we have an eight year age gap and our second DC. I know people will say it happens so often, but it’s so hard when you don’t know if it will happen for you.

Being around large families is very tough, seeing friends have second, third and fourth baba’s is tough. In my case there was a lot of judgement that our careers were being prioritised - never true but easy for people to judge on the outside.

You are 100% not alone on this very tough path.

i went through this and began IVF, which I gave up after about 18 months and an unsuccessful transfer. I just felt instinctually I was flogging a dead horse. The pain of secondary infertility was awful even though i already had a kid so I couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t be happy being a mother of one.
Futher down the the track I realise that one was perfect for me. I found motherhood more stressful than i thought due to my own crappy upbringing but I was able to provide enough love and nurturing for my one fabulous child. I think I could have been an amazing mother to one, or a mediocre mother to two. Almost every week I see ways in which my kid has benefited from one on one parenting in terms of confidence and resilience.

I went through it. Started trying for a second when DS was 2.5 and I was 32. And either nothing for months on end or I’d get pregnant and miscarry (3x). All the tests said nothing was wrong. Everybody went on to have a bunch of babies including a friend who decides to try with a boyfriend of 3 months and my friend who had 4 (yes 4!) babies in the time in took us to eventually conceive DD.

We eventually went to IVF and that took 5 tries including another miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, and stillborn momo twins. DD was born 7 months ago and I am somehow naturally 4 months pregnant again which makes zero sense but just goes to show unexplained secondary infertility is ridiculous.

I love her to pieces and am so happy to have her but I wish I’d made my peace with DS potentially being an only child because the IVF was crippling financially and physically. The waiting and now the compounded loss of the twins and the hopelessness we experienced over the last 4.5 years was really harrowing and horrible for my mental health. Easier said than done of course.