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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's fair?

17 replies

Peachy458 · 10/02/2025 18:25

My partner thinks I'm being unreasonable. We had our child 9 months ago and ever since I've been on maternity leave, I have always paid my way. Before we had our child, I was the bread winner so paid 70% of all our household bills. My partner changed jobs just before our child was born and his salary dropped, so had my maternity pay but it still worked out to be more than his so I still carried on paying more of the monthly bills.

Things were easier in the beginning because babies obviously sleep a lot, so I kept up with doing the housework and he did help me sometimes. My child is EBF but takes bottles, but my partner has never done a single night feed and has rarely had him on his own. I'm now 9 months deep, still feeding overnight and my baby still wakes up a few times a night so I'm absolutely exhausted.

My partner complains when things haven't been done around the house whilst he's been at work. Despite explaining to him many times that I use my son's nap times to clean but how much o get done, depends on how long he sleeps. It's so much harder to get on with things when he's looking for attention or wants to be picked up a lot. My partner does nothing to help around the house, not a single thing. He leaves everything for me seeing as 'i don't work and am sat at home every day doing nothing'. He expects me to do 100% of the housework, 100% of the childcare and still go 50/50 on bills (he has since got a new job and is paid better so at least we're splitting evenly ATM).

I think this is so unfair, I busted a gut in my qualifying weeks to make sure I had a good maternity pay and would still be able to contribute my share, and enjoy my Mat leave, not spending every day doing housework. I also refuse to dump my child in front of a TV so I can get on with stuff. Even on weekends, he still expects me to do everything because 'he's been at work all week and it's his day off'.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in nearly a year (I had a v. Uncomfortable pregnancy) and I am exhausted. He spends all his time doing what he wants and then complains when I ask him to watch the baby so I can get on with things I need to do (i.e cooking etc). I feel like I can't win. Am I being unreasonable to think he should contribute his fair share with the childcare and housework?

OP posts:
cerebuswannabe · 10/02/2025 18:26

It would be easier to be a single parent OP.

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/02/2025 18:28

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He sounds like a complete waste of space tbh. What does he bring to the relationship for you?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 10/02/2025 18:40

GO 50 50 ON BILLS? (Edited, on mat leave, whilst doing all the parenting) MY GIRL, RISE UP AND LEAVE THIS MAN

Mrsttcno1 · 10/02/2025 18:42

I think you’ve got a few different issues at play here which all need to be looked at differently.

The finances is one thing, but is separate to housework/childcare. Ideally you would both be left with the same amount of money after bills are paid, or you’d have joint finances so you both have equal access to money. If neither of those things are the case then that’s something to discuss together, but that is not related to your other issues.

Housework is again, separate issue. I’m on maternity leave currently myself (also with a 9 month old so I do get it, they’re not so chilled now!) and I would definitely say I am doing more of the housework but that is because I’m at home more than he is right now. I’m there to put a wash on, wipe the benches, run the hoover round etc, those things need to be done and it is easier to get them done when you’re in the house. But that isn’t to say my husband does nothing, he does do bits after work and we both do it at the weekend, there needs to be a balance really. Sometimes that does mean popping baby down with toys or in the baby carrier to get a load of washing on or running a mop around, and then after work & weekends can be shared.

Childcare- is a chat needed. You should both have equal “free” time and “free” doesn’t mean at home with a child, it means FREE to do whatever you want, for yourself. If he has never taken care of your child alone for the day, this is your chance to take yourself out for the day, let him look after baby, and let him see for himself what that day looks like. He’ll realise himself it’s very much not “sit and chill”.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 10/02/2025 18:42

First few posts have nailed it. He really has done a number on you to even be asking this.

Funykeudfh · 10/02/2025 18:42

Peachy458 · 10/02/2025 18:25

My partner thinks I'm being unreasonable. We had our child 9 months ago and ever since I've been on maternity leave, I have always paid my way. Before we had our child, I was the bread winner so paid 70% of all our household bills. My partner changed jobs just before our child was born and his salary dropped, so had my maternity pay but it still worked out to be more than his so I still carried on paying more of the monthly bills.

Things were easier in the beginning because babies obviously sleep a lot, so I kept up with doing the housework and he did help me sometimes. My child is EBF but takes bottles, but my partner has never done a single night feed and has rarely had him on his own. I'm now 9 months deep, still feeding overnight and my baby still wakes up a few times a night so I'm absolutely exhausted.

My partner complains when things haven't been done around the house whilst he's been at work. Despite explaining to him many times that I use my son's nap times to clean but how much o get done, depends on how long he sleeps. It's so much harder to get on with things when he's looking for attention or wants to be picked up a lot. My partner does nothing to help around the house, not a single thing. He leaves everything for me seeing as 'i don't work and am sat at home every day doing nothing'. He expects me to do 100% of the housework, 100% of the childcare and still go 50/50 on bills (he has since got a new job and is paid better so at least we're splitting evenly ATM).

I think this is so unfair, I busted a gut in my qualifying weeks to make sure I had a good maternity pay and would still be able to contribute my share, and enjoy my Mat leave, not spending every day doing housework. I also refuse to dump my child in front of a TV so I can get on with stuff. Even on weekends, he still expects me to do everything because 'he's been at work all week and it's his day off'.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in nearly a year (I had a v. Uncomfortable pregnancy) and I am exhausted. He spends all his time doing what he wants and then complains when I ask him to watch the baby so I can get on with things I need to do (i.e cooking etc). I feel like I can't win. Am I being unreasonable to think he should contribute his fair share with the childcare and housework?

SAY IT LOUD AND PROUD

LEAVE THE BASTARD

Blinds648 · 10/02/2025 18:45

I assume he's completely changed since you've had children or otherwise you wouldn't have chosen to have a child with him. He's obviously a selfish, unreasonable arse and you must feel cheated.

I'm not sure where you want to go from here as this is what you're saddled with. I would go back to work asap and look into separation. I certainly wouldn't have any more children with him.

AnSolas · 10/02/2025 18:46

Sorry to say I agree with cerebuswannabe.
You are getting some financial support but he is acting as if he got a housekeeper and nanny for free.

Before the baby you paid 50%+ of the cost and spliting household jobs.

After the baby you are still paying 50%+ of the costs, he has transferred all his household jobs to you and you are "paying" 100% of the child care costs.

LittleMG · 10/02/2025 18:47

Oh my word he needs a right kick up the arse. Tell him having kids means you don’t get time off. And if looking after is just sitting around watching tv he won’t have a problem will he? I’d fall right out with him pretty quick.

Mulledjuice · 10/02/2025 18:51

He is not a partner.

Why are you with him?

HolyStyleFailBatman · 10/02/2025 18:52

Ugh. Just get rid. You are being completely taken advantage of. Unless he is capable of taking that fact in, you’re on a hiding to nothing.

Solidarity on the sleepless nights, it is so so hard. Does get better eventually though.

RickiRaccoon · 10/02/2025 19:05

If he's going to have a 1950s attitude, he should at least pay for everything, not rely on you to do all the childcare, housework and carry him financially! You could explain to him that it's actually quite busy and frustrating being home with a baby and you have to pay attention to them but I don't think you should have to explain that to an adult. I wouldn't suggest you leave him at home with the baby to experience it because I imagine he'd just dump the baby somewhere to cry to prove you can do both childcare and housework.

When I was on leave with babies, I did what housework I could manage and my DH did 50% of childcare and housework when he was home. That's fair. (I got back to paid work as soon as I could because work is so much easier and less frustrating than looking after babies/toddlers!)

FOJN · 10/02/2025 19:09

He's taking the piss AND accusing you of being unreasonable.

I don't think you can reason with a man like that.

The only question you need to answer is how long you are prepared to put up with being treated badly before you accept this is who he is and leave.

You may get given all sorts of advice about sitting down for an adult discussion but you have a 9 month old and he still has no clue about how much work that is and on top of broken sleep too. Trying to talk to him would be as effective as talking to the fridge.

Just leave, he's a lazy man child.

bombastix · 10/02/2025 19:10

This man doesn't earn anywhere near enough to even start to justify his attitude.

Why are you doing 100 percent of anything? You are a team. In theory only it seems.

You are going to have to have a tough conversation about this once. Give it six months. If he hasn't got it by then or can't support you financially to take the strain then you need to decide whether it's worth it.

Some men are very lazy with small children and this attitude you describe is not one that often changes.

Iloveacurry · 10/02/2025 19:10

What’s going to happen when you go back to work?

CheeseyOnionPie · 10/02/2025 19:17

Congrats on your second baby - you seem to be married to your first.

completely unfair. If he thinks you’re doing nothing all day then how about he stays home with the baby and you go back to work and then bitch and moan about having to lift a finger? It’s so wrong you’re having to do it all alone. You might as well be a single parent, at least then you’d have some downtime whilst the baby is with their dad.

Endofyear · 10/02/2025 23:34

He sounds like a pig. I'd stop doing his laundry and cooking his meals and tell him you're on strike until he starts pulling his weight. You're not his domestic slave, you are on maternity leave so you can look after your little one. This includes feeding, changing nappies, bathing, playing with him, making sure he gets fresh air so a walk every day, giving him a stimulating environment to encourage his development and hopefully meeting up with other mums and babies too. Yes, you can fit in a bit of housework around that but that doesn't mean it's ok for your husband to do nothing!

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