To accept house a long way from DS comp

[HoneyHoneyBee]

Separating from DH soon and I’ve just seen a house in a lovely area, close to the local town centre, safe area, very close to other child’s SEN school but 5.5 miles away from oldest comp.

Co parenting - 50/50
Currently living in a rural area where oldest walks to comp.
Transport from the other area isn’t great - two busses or taxis. He’s going into year 9 in September so would have to travel to school half of the week for a few years. He’s also getting older and more independent so could let himself into ex husband’s house which is very close to the comp.

Worries - he wouldn’t want to stay with me as he gets older due to the logistics. At the weekend and school holidays it wouldn’t be an issue.

Seeking advice please 🙏

I would ask the council/school to help with your travel predicament. they may have a solution due to change in you’re circumstance.

Depending on the child and the roads, could he cycle to school (on lighter days at least)? Admittedly I live in an area where cycling is very common (although I don't have a bike) and know quite a few people who cycle a fair distance at that age.a

What's the problem with him staying more with the other parent if everyone agrees?

Surely you want what's in the kids best interest. How long would it actually take to go from door to door?

I worry about not seeing him very much during the week and growing distant from him.

To drive it would be 25 minutes in the car but bus wise the logistics are a nightmare as there’s no direct route. It would mean a 20 minute bus ride to the city centre then 45 minutes on another bus. Will definitely look into school transport options too and he would probably end up sleeping at ex’s house a lot more during term time.

I do worry as his sibling won’t see him then after school and would miss him.

Long term I would love to live in that area - I know he’s only got a few more years left of comp and probably won’t stay on to do A Levels.

He doesn’t cycle unfortunately.

A lot of kids near me catch 2 buses to school (grammar school area) for 7 years and it doesn't do them any harm. Yes it’s a change from being within walking distance but I wouldn’t stress too much.

That’s reassuring. It would probably only be twice a week that he would have to do that. Long term - it would be a lovely house and lovely area to live in. DS has in the past expressed a dislike for us living so rurally so it would be nice for him to be closer to local amenities/cinemas/swimming pools/beaches etc as he gets older.

Those who have been in a similar position-how long does it take for a family to adapt to co-parenting/such a big change?

Didn't you have a thread on this a little while ago too?

Unless he has a disability which makes cycling impossible, he should learn.

Have you talked to your son about it? Realistically he will probably end up spending more time at his dad's as most kids don't want a massive trek to school and want to hang out and see their friends after school/do sports/go to clubs etc. What is your co-parenting relationship like? Will Dad be around and do you trust him to be sensible about making sure your son eats properly/gets enough sleep/limits screentime etc? I just think it's an iffy age for kids to be left unsupervised for long periods of time and dads tend to be more relaxed than mums about stuff like that in my experience!

I would also worry that he will become more distant from you and his sibling - even at weekends and in the holidays it will be easier to see his friends from his dad's house and he might prefer dad's if the rules are more relaxed 😳

I'd do it - 25 min drive is nothing! Especially in a rural setting. Do it! Nothing to lose.

That’s what would worry me. His Dad is much more relaxed when it comes to screen time, has never done homework with either children or pushed reading etc. I fear that it would essentially be me and our youngest and my oldest and his Dad. But it’s hard to say how things would pan out.

Clubs - He only does one activity on the weekend.

Going out after school - he tends to be happier in his room gaming online with his friends although I do try and encourage him to play outside!

He doesn’t know yet that we will be separating.

Dad will make sure he’s well fed, goes to bed at a reasonable hour etc.

If I were in your situation there's no way I'd consider an outcome that could even remotely lead to the child preferring to be with the other parent.

Honestly he probably will end up at dads Mon-Fri. Because it’s what keeps his live with his friends and his school normal for him.

You need to move and that’s fine but since he has the option to not have to move you’ll have to accept he has a voice and can and would be listened to in court over where he wants to live between his separated parents.

Also his brothers feelings over missing him shouldn’t come into play for him not being allowed to live with his dad more often. It’s his life not his siblings.

I’d only do that if you’ll be ok with DS deciding the hour long/two bus journey to and from comp is annoying and he wants to stay with dad Mon-Fri instead because it’s easier. Because that could easily happen, even if he seems alright about it to begin with.

Yes I think he's going to want to stay at his dad's in that scenario. Would staying at his dads all week and then you having him all weekend work? He'd probably do most of his homework at the weekend anyway wouldn't he?

but if they had a choice of staying with a parent closer, or commuting, what would they chose?

I would rather my kids to do clubs and homework than wasting hours on the bus. Of course they CAN, but what's the point?

It all depends on the relationship between the 2 parents. If they are both reasonable and can be trusted, most couples don't have a strict 50/50 simply because it's not practical.

I agree with above, realistically, he will spend more time during the week at his dad, why wouldn't he.

Why can’t you drive him to school ? It’s only 25 minutes !

I don’t drive plus if I was in that particular area I would need to drop my youngest at his primary school.

So realistically you’ve got to pick one child being close to their school over the over.

I think that also means you’ve got to accept the highly likely odds of being the main parent to one child and the weekend parent to the other.

One child needs to be near his sen school so clearly cannot move schools.

One child shouldn’t be moved or have an unnecessary commute if he doesn’t need to heading into options and getting ready for gcse years when his clearly settled if he wants to stay put where he is.

You’ve got to remember as the parent it’s about making sure it’s best for them and sometimes that won’t make your heart happy.

But your head should understand it’s no different you being the weekend parent to his dad being the weekend parent. One of you will always be having less time especially in teen years, you don’t automatically end up with no or a lesser relationship just because of that unless you just stop caring and parenting overall.

If you are willing and able to drive him it would be fine. If he had to spend hours on th bus every day, I wouldn't do it.