'New' driver anxiety

[mintbug]

Not strictly an AIBU but I know I’ll get a range of views and experiences here. Please be kind.

I’m 40 and I passed my driving test five months ago on my second attempt.

I took lessons for about 10 months. One of my biggest barriers was (and still is) a lack of confidence.

I had this notion that while learning I’d get exponentially better and more confident and by the time I took my test, I’d be completely comfortable driving anywhere. This hasn’t been the case at all, and I’m wondering how long it’s going to take until I feel like a ‘proper’ driver.

I walk to work, but I drive my friend and I to a shared activity once a week (about an hour round trip) and do several short trips during the week to run errands. I take every opportunity I can to practice, but I don’t feel comfortable driving anywhere unfamiliar without my partner in the car with me (who drives and has done since he was 17).

I don’t dislike driving, in fact when I’m in my stride and I know where I’m going I find it quite therapeutic, but I still don’t feel like I really know what I’m doing most of the time. I find unfamiliar roundabouts confusing and stressful. I find joining the dual carriageway from a slip road terrifying. The idea of doing stuff like that alone in the car feels incredibly daunting.

I’ve just accepted a new job that I’m really excited about, but I’ll need to drive to the office two days a week (about an hour round trip with some motorway driving). I’ve got two months until I start, which I know will fly by.

I feel quite disheartened and a bit embarrassed. Did anyone else learn to drive late and struggle with the same things? How long did it take to build your confidence?

Probably not very helpful but I passed 15 years ago (aged 35) and I'm still nervous. I have an appointment tomorrow that's 40 minutes away and involves unfamiliar motorways so I'm taking a taxi. I'm just too panicky to drive there. I hear a lot of women get worsening driving anxiety in perimenopause and thats what happened yo me.
I'm absolutely fine on A roads and country driving. It's horrible.

Bung some music on and keep going.

I’ve been driving 30 odd years, and I remember it took a good year of driving every day before it all clicked and I didn’t ’have to think’ about what I was doing.

Been driving for a decade, still a nervous driver. Have to look up routes in great detail if I'm going somewhere new etc.

Not doing it enough

I've been driving for almost 25 years and I still get anxiety especially when I don't know where I am going. I always look ahead on Google maps as in put in the directions and then press the arrows on the street view to learn and memorise! Even after 25 years I absolutely hate small lanes and will avoid them if I can.
Motorways - practice every day between now and new job, go at different times of the day and night time too. Try and overtake too and get into the right hand lane and move back to the left. This will help with using your mirrors, distance of cars behind etc.

Oh bless you, totally the same here. I still refuse point blank to go on a motorway but after massive driving phobia I get myself around ok. My advice would be hypnotherapy. I had a course of sessions 1:1 and can honestly say it changed me for the better. I had a small crash when I started driving and didn't drive a car for about 12 years, now I'm driving again. It may not work for everyone but it worked like magic for me.

I passed at 17 (loads of confidence of the young!) and then after leaving home and not having access to my parents car, I totally lost confidence and spent my 20s refusing to drive. It wasn't until I was 30 and pregnant that I realised I needed to just do it otherwise my social life would be curtailed.

So I did and was a massive bag of nerves for a while. Still prefer DH to drive long distances and abroad but 15 years later I'm a fairly confident and hopefully decent driver! It's one of those things you just have to get on and do but it's totally normal to feel as you do!

Although not a late learner (passed at 17) and I am a pretty confident driver I can resonate here. All I can say is practice practice practice. You are still new to it all I'll bet you'll feel more confident in another few months. There is also the difference between journeys that are completely familiar like your usual supermarket shop or perhaps the weekly activity route you do but unfamiliar routes I imagine cause many people to feel lacking in confidence myself included. A few years ago I took a job with a big commute involving a few motorways and multiple joining junctions and was really nervous, the positive aspect it that it's allowed me to become a much more confident driver, I don't think much of motorway driving these days and much prefer it to small narrow or country roads! That said a lot of people I know won't drive on the motorway so don't feel embarrassed. I drove my work route a couple of times before my first day so suggest that. If you're worried about first day it might be an idea to drive through the day before and stay overnight close to your office just for that first day. Save you the stress of the drive and first day feelings

I passed my test 2 weeks ago (second attempt, aged 35) and pretty much could have written this OP myself.

I have been pushing myself in lots of little ways but at the moment the idea doing a dual carriage way slip road without my husband in the car fills me with dread.

I live in the same town I grew up in so I know the roads very well but I still feel in a 'flight or fight' response whilst driving anywhere. I hope it gets better in time for the both of us!

I don’t think I would have got through my test without hypnotherapy. My driving instructor said ‘your only problem is in your head’ so I decided the solution was probably in my head too.

It’s worth a try. It wasn’t particularly woo, just lots of visualisation of myself driving in a relaxed and confident way, to replace all the images in my head of myself being scared and crashing. (I haven’t had a crash yet.)

Everyone is different but the rule of thumb used to be a year and/or 10000 miles before you become a confident driver. Well done passing the test, it's not easy and the examiner would not have passed you unless you are safe to drive.

Some good advice in this thread, keep at it and the nerves will evaporate in time.

I've been driving for 35 years and love it. But there are certain weather conditions I don't enjoy driving in and I will avoid doing so if possible.

1. Thick fog on the motorway
2. Strong winds on the motorway
3. Icy roads
4. Thick snow This isn't a lack of confidence on my part, it's a judgement call based on past experience. Driving in the above conditions is stressful because they are all potentially dangerous. I believe that part of being a 'proper driver' is knowing you could drive and more than likely arrive at your destination safely but you're going to hang up your keys and wait for better conditions.

I was really anxious for close to 10 years honestly. Would avoid motorways at any cost. Hated roundabouts, hated merging, hated switching lanes, hated overtaking, hated just being in front of somebody even.

Then for various reasons I started driving much more… and quite quickly lost my anxiety.

Now, I’d say I’m a very confident driver and I find it very relaxing. The only thing I still get a little worried about is overtaking cyclists / horses.

Definitely think exposure therapy is the way to go here.

Driving is mentally tiring but we get used to it. It takes time. It's like a muscle memory - the more you do, the easier it gets.

On roundabouts you can go round again if you miss your exit.

On dual carriageways, the slip road is just a way of moving into a lane, like overtaking and you may actually find it easier if you speed up. Lots of drivers move into the outside lane at slip roads to help those joining.

Get more practice with slip roads.

Waze is a brilliant and free satnav that you can install on your phone and will give turn by turn instructions and live route changes to avoid traffic.

I passed my test when I was 18 then moved away for 8 years where I didn’t need a car. I found it very tough “re-learning.” I overthought journeys into the city and like you dreaded merging onto the motorway. I practiced this a few quiet Sundays and am a lot more confident. I tell myself in cities “what’s the worst that can happen” if I’m in the wrong lane and need to merge. I’ll only annoy someone at most. It does get easier with time and helps having a parent for reassurance

Just push yourself. Go out and drive places you haven’t before. Use a sat nav if you don’t know the route. I passed in my 20’s with a young baby and I just used to go out and drive anywhere within a roughly 2hr radius of my home. I’d regularly go places I hadn’t been to before. I am nervous about driving in London but I still do it when needed. The only way to get over the nerves is to do it. As the saying goes “feel the fear and do it anyway”

I was NOT a natural driver AT ALL. Took me around 100 hours of learning and I'd had a moped previously so it wasn't even that I wasn't confident on the roads.

I got 2 majors on my first driving test (but 0 minors) so failed (but they were both very strange reasons and my instructor was as annoyed and confused as I was) and I passed second time with 2 minors.

Despite failing the first time, doing both tests with so few minors gave me so much confidence in myself and the second I got in my car the day I passed I suddenly felt like I'd been driving forever and drove to The Trafford Centre that day which is nearly an hour away from me and on 2/3 different motorways!

I honestly think you just need to jump in the deep end like I did, get on the motorway, encounter unfamiliar roads etc and build your confidence. You passed for a reason!

I passed my test young but didn’t drive for over ten years, so basically relearnt. Keep going and you will be ok. Have you got satnav. I can still get stressed about getting lost. You have done very well to pass, it will click soon.

Took me years to feel like a confident, competent driver.

I’d be wary of someone who after five months of fairly scant driving thought they were able to boss any driving scenario.

so sounds like you’re where you should be! Enjoy it!

Most of my friends cracked on and passed at 17. My birthday was later in the school year, so I just got lifts from everyone else. My lessons were sporadic, after Christmas and birthday money had come in, then nothing for 6 in between. Eventually passed 2nd time at 19.5 years (which felt late back then).
Now I’m 51. My confidence wanes in anything if I don’t do it often, so keep doing !
Do you have a sat nav ? That helps - and if you make a mistake it’s not the end of the world, just turn back and don’t panic. Maybe get familiar with the route in your mind prior to each trip by seeing it on a map ? This can all be done on your phone - I find it helps if I have a gist of the direction / place names I will pass en route.
I actually drive better if there’s nobody else in the car to distract me - it’s like I have no choice but to focus and concentrate !
Good luck - if you don’t use it you’ll lose it ! And just remember, nobody wants to crash into you either !

I'm in a similar situation. 39 and passed a year ago when I needed to because of having my baby. I only go on A roads. To do the big shop, and to drive to places I know. Roundabouts I actually don't mind. I have panic attacks going round sharp corners as I don't feel In control sometimes. In recent months I've suffered really bad PMS making driving dangerous for me so I try and avoid driving during the time of the month. It's a minefield!
I am really good with directions though and I hate using a sat nav.
Driving is probably the most difficult thing I have done. I can only sympathise OP. It is so difficult.

Once someone pointed this model out to me it made me feel better about learning new things. I’d say that you’re in the conscious competence stage in that you know what you’re doing, you’ve passed your tests, but you still have to consciously think about it and that means you lack confidence.

in the first stage, it would be like your first driving lesson and you’re like “flipping heck I’m driving” but you’re unaware of the skills you need to be a fully competent driver.

Stage 2, you realise what you need to do to pass your test and realise how bad you are at it.

Stage 3 you know what you’re doing, you’ve passed your tests, but you still have to consciously think about it

stage 4 you don’t even really think about what you’re doing when you get into the car and drive on automatic pilot.

• Unconscious incompetence: The learner is unaware of their lack of knowledge or skill
• Conscious incompetence: The learner is aware of their lack of knowledge or skill
• Conscious competence: The learner can perform the skill, but it requires conscious effort and concentration
• Unconscious competence: The learner can perform the skill without conscious effort or thought

keep practising, it will come!

I passed my test last summer (i was 41) and I still suffer with lack confidence and get really nervous before getting into the car. I'm ok when I know the area but I won't drive if I don't or it's too far. I'm really annoyed with myself as I thought I would be ok once I passed but getting used to our car has taken ages. I would like to drive more but I actually don't need to much. I'm just hoping with time and more practice I'll feel better.

I passed almost 3 weeks ago at 41. For the first few days I was to scared to touch the car. Then I had to go to town a few times, which was nerve-wracking but not too extreme. But a week later I had to go much further away for work and that's when problem started. I went the wrong way because I was too scared to turn right on short notice. Next day same journey but sat nav took me a different way for some reason (although on summary looked like it was the way I wanted) and I took a wrong exit at a roundabout and was taken to very fast A road in a blinding sunshine (I need glasses for driving), somehow managed to get there. On a way back, sat nav wrongly told me to turn into a small road, but it was one way, and I went wrong way but realised straight away. On both trips, I was focusing so much that I then manically started thinking that I must have had a wrong speed somewhere, but I can't check on maps because I went wrong way and can't remember how it re-routed me. Today, I went wrong way as I missed quite an obscure left lane entry and had to go round way. With all those bad mistakes, I'm now scared shitless that I was speeding somewhere not knowing and will get my license revoked for points. I check my mailbox every day, and a few times a day, I am terrified that I get a ticket. I was a nervous and long-time learner (12 months) but somehow passed the first time. I was so proud of myself and told people I was so proud, but now I regret I said anything. The irony is that once I drive, even if I go the wrong way, I'm not scared but so laser-focused that I'm sure I missed other things like speed, so today I drove much slower than speed limits. I feel that if I would get a chance (I'm still scared to get revoked for recent mistakes), I would start enjoying driving because at the beginning I was scared of motorway and now I'm less (after A road which is pretty much the same). It's not easy for me to forgive myself for doing all those mistakes and I feel extremly stupid and bad.