'New' driver anxiety

[mintbug]

Not strictly an AIBU but I know I’ll get a range of views and experiences here. Please be kind.

I’m 40 and I passed my driving test five months ago on my second attempt.

I took lessons for about 10 months. One of my biggest barriers was (and still is) a lack of confidence.

I had this notion that while learning I’d get exponentially better and more confident and by the time I took my test, I’d be completely comfortable driving anywhere. This hasn’t been the case at all, and I’m wondering how long it’s going to take until I feel like a ‘proper’ driver.

I walk to work, but I drive my friend and I to a shared activity once a week (about an hour round trip) and do several short trips during the week to run errands. I take every opportunity I can to practice, but I don’t feel comfortable driving anywhere unfamiliar without my partner in the car with me (who drives and has done since he was 17).

I don’t dislike driving, in fact when I’m in my stride and I know where I’m going I find it quite therapeutic, but I still don’t feel like I really know what I’m doing most of the time. I find unfamiliar roundabouts confusing and stressful. I find joining the dual carriageway from a slip road terrifying. The idea of doing stuff like that alone in the car feels incredibly daunting.

I’ve just accepted a new job that I’m really excited about, but I’ll need to drive to the office two days a week (about an hour round trip with some motorway driving). I’ve got two months until I start, which I know will fly by.

I feel quite disheartened and a bit embarrassed. Did anyone else learn to drive late and struggle with the same things? How long did it take to build your confidence?

I felt really anxious for a few years, still feel it now and again. It got a lot easier a few months into having a job that involved lots of travel to unfamiliar places.

I think you honestly just need to keep at it, it can take a while before it all feels second nature. If I were you I'd drive the route to your new job as many times as you can before you start to get used to it!

You get a range of views and experiences in Chat as well, @mintbug .

It depends on how much driving you do, but I'd say at least 1-2 years of daily driving. Obviously if you only ever drive one route you won't become comfortable driving new ones.

Just keep doing it.

You have some time until the new job starts so to help build your confidence I would do the journey one or twice with DH in the car then a couple of times on your own beforehand.

DP has been driving for over ten years and is confident but still can get stressed with big, unfamiliar roundabouts and joining the motorway!

Do you use a sat nav? Set your phone in a holder with Google maps open and your route on screen? Maybe just the clear, loud voice prompts will help you relax a little during less familiar journeys.

I was like that when I first passed and to some extent I'm still like that now (18 months later). I still look up unfamiliar routes before we go and especially what lanes I need for new roundabouts.

But I'm so much more confident driving in general and detours don't throw me off like they did when I was first on my own. I really think it is just something that comes from experience.

Thanks everyone. My partner keeps saying it's just practice but I don't feel like I'm where I 'should' be after five months.

I've practiced the route to the new job (with my partner) once and I'll do it a few more times before I start including on my own and in rush hour.

I’m 33 but have been driving since I was 17 and even now I still sometimes get a bit anxious if I’m going somewhere I’ve never been

As everyone else has said the only way to crack it is to keep doing it. I understand why you have DP in the car but you need to be going on longer drives and unfamiliar places without him. Drive your new route to work a few times by yourself. My mum always told me to do a few deliberate wrong turns and then use my satnav to find my way where I need to be - it makes you better at handling it if it happens accidentally.

Experience builds confidence IME and it took a while for me to be able to travel somewhere in my car without researching how to get there, where to park etc. So I’d recommend lots of practice and really kind words for yourself - you clearly know how to drive, you are driving and navigating the roads already so give yourself some credit. None of us feel confident when we tell ourselves we aren’t confident!

You need to do it on your own. I felt tons more confident after just a few weeks of solo driving. You just need to do it.

As others have said, the more you drive the more confident you'll get. I used to look up new journeys on Google maps and look at any junctions that looked tricky. If I thought 'nope' I'd plan another route.

I have been driving for 27 years and sometimes I get a bit nervous if I have to drive somewhere that I've not been and I would say I am a confident driver. I think you just have to keep at it and drive whenever you can and try and do it on your own as well.

I hear you! I passed my test in my early 20s, nearly 30 years ago but then was so scared of driving that I NEVER drove again! TBH I wasn’t interested in driving at that time and felt kind of pressurised into it by my partner at the time.

As I’ve lived in cities all my adult life, the lack of driving never particularly bothered me. But I’m hoping to move somewhere more rural when I retire and know that I’ll need to drive. So I started taking refresher lessons with an instructor at the start of last year. (Already had my licence and had always kept it renewed when I moved house).

My instructor was very understanding of my situation and I was absolutely petrified to start with. Felt physically sick before each lesson and afterwards my legs would still shake for half an hour, every time. I did about 50 hours of lessons in my instructor’s car and then in the new car I bought myself, until my instructor basically told me I just had to fly solo! It was a scary prospect as I felt I needed someone next to me for reassurance. But I live alone so don’t have anyone to come in the car with me.

I had to force myself to go out in the car initially and could only manage the 10 min run to Tesco. But I drove somewhere nearly every day. I knew if I didn’t drive for a few days I would lose confidence again. I gradually started setting myself targets to drive to a certain location 2/5/10 miles away and did that repeatedly until the route was familiar.

For the first few months, I couldn’t go anywhere without checking the route beforehand, and tried to avoid big roundabouts (there are several tricky ones near me).

I’ve just found that my confidence has built little by little, and whilst I still feel a little anxiety before any journey, I feel much more capable. I had to do a 2 hour motorway journey on my own recently for a family event and then ferry family members around the town I was visiting. 6 months ago I couldn’t even have envisaged doing that. That all gave me another huge boost of confidence.

My final goal is to drive in the dark! Only did it once and didn’t like it, but I am determined to crack it.

i use WAZE a lot and find it the best satnav, as it tells me exactly which lane to be in on a roundabout/motorway, which I find very reassuring when I’m a bit unsure. The annoying thing about Waze is that it doesn’t always use the same route but I’ve become more relaxed about that too.

So I really feel that it’s just continual practice and driving experience that builds confidence. Muscle memory has a lot to do with it too. Good luck, keep going!

I was exactly the same. I passed at 40. I had to drive to work along busy A roads and town roads. It will get better with time. For your new job, take your partner on practice runs of the journey before you start so you can get a little bit used to it.

I only started driving at 34. The first time I drove on the motorway on my own, I missed my exit, so pulled off at the next exit, but took a random turn off of the roundabout - instead of just looping back on myself - and got lost, pulled the car over and had a panic attack, and had to phone my husband and mum to talk me through how to get back on track, and then completed my journey in tears!!

I kept trying (I had no choice, my parents are getting older and live 3 hours away), and after about 6 months I felt really comfortable. I now LOVE driving. I would relish it if I had to drive to Land's End or John O'Groats on my own! Driving into the centre of a major city would still throw me a bit, but I'd cope.

It's all about exposure.

I'm not the most confident driver. I'm fine on the motorway, but get nervous on narrower roads, where I feel there's the expectation on me to overtake the slower vehicle in front. Best thing DH ever said to me was to stop thinking about what other drivers were thinking of me and just not attempt a manoeuvre unless I felt completely safe, and that any impatience on the part of the other drivers was their issue and not mine. Just drive safe and keep up the practice.

Doesn't matter where you "should be". It's not really a helpful line of thinking and isn't going to give you much confidence. You just have to keep at it and sever the metaphorical umbilical cord between you and your partner. In order to get comfortable, you need to be uncomfortable so go without your partner. Every time he sits in your car, he is just delaying your progress.
I also passed my test at 39. I felt the same way you did for 2 years. Then my partner and I broke up (I do not recommend it) and I had to rely on myself. The first thing I did is travelled to see my friend 150 miles away because I really needed her support. Since then, I have been driving up and down the country most weekends. Yes, I still try and go at times when the motorway is quieter and to get back home before dark but driving no longer feels like a daunting prospect.

I'm about two (or is it three?) years into a driving licence. I've had to drive 1000s of miles due to working in London but living in Scotland (I live down there when I work down there). But between jobs I don't drive at all if I can avoid it. My nervousness has diminished, but it's not at all gone. One thing that makes me feel better is pretending I'm in my driving test, doing everything as carefully and thoughtfully as then, and then I know that I'm driving extremely safely. For me it's the unknown, and the knowing that if I hurt someone I'd find it very hard to live with.

Funnily enough, I'd rather drive 500miles to London than to the next town. One is an adventure and the other just makes me feel a bit sick. Also, I hate having a passenger because it distracts me from total concentration. As soon as someone's in the car I second guess everything I'm doing, explain why I've braked or apologise for not overtaking someone or stall when moving slowly. And parking... urgh. I'd like some beepers on my car to help with that!

Hope you get gradually less scared. Maybe it's just a slower process for you (and me) than for others.

When I got my first car, it was years after passing my test so I was really anxious
I took to setting an early alarm on a Sunday morning to drive around the empty streets for an hour.
Nip into the next town up the motorway etc.

Now, I drive thousands of miles a year and love (quiet) motorways driving.

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I would practice the new route a lot more than once or twice and you need to drive it without your partner.

Try different times of day on Google maps to see when it is least busy and try it then to work out the best lanes for merging, entering and leaving roundabouts, overtaking and to get used to speed limits. Then try it on a weekend during busier times, then try during a rush hour, if you can.

I would also try visiting neighbouring towns but look at a map first rather than relying on your Sat Nav. It will give you a chance to really look at roads and roundabout signs in real life rather than glancing at a screen and if you go on a weekend, rather than when you have to actually get somewhere on time, if you make a mistake you can just go around the block and try again.

This feeling will go eventually.

I refused to drive on motorways for about 3 years after I passed my test. I burst into tears trying to drive in Reading and Coventry. But I've been driving for so long now I'm absolutely fine. I don't feel nervous anymore at all. As everyone is saying, the more you do it the more confident you will feel but the timeline for that will be different for everyone. It's definitely harder when you're older as well, compared to a fearless youngster.

Someone on Mumsnet recommended a book called Advanced And Performance Driving by Reg Local and I found it really helped.

I could honestly of written this post myself! I didn't learn until I was 32, I passed my test 3 years ago and I'm the same. I'm happy driving the places I know , the routes I use often, work, town, school, kids activities etc but if we have to go anywhere far or unfamiliar I cannot do it alone. I had to drive 1.5 hours for a day out last year and I was so nervous and I spent the whole time whilst we were there absolutely terrified of the drive back in the dark. If I have to go somewhere unfamiliar, even if just 1t miles away I get a train if possible. I never wanted to learn to drive and it's always terrified me but I had to because of DCs. I've never been on a motorway and parking in busy car parks gives me anxiety. All roads are not the same and all bloody roundabouts and lanes seem to have their own rules!!! I cannot get to grips with it ... I hope it gets better for you, but you're not alone in this

It's like any fear you have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Keep going, don't avoid any particular routes or roads and don't rely on your partner.

Anxiety feels horrible but is ultimately a harmless chemical reaction that will subside.

I went through a phase of hating motorway driving but kept at it and am fine again now 🤷‍♀️

Driving in the dark is a big fear for a lot of people but in your case it would benefit you to go make the trips you are wary of when it's quiet, so late at night. You won't lose the anxiety until you gain confidence. You won't gain confidence by avoiding driving.

If you are too anxious, you are more of a hazard on the road.