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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What can i do

11 replies

Imissbeingme · 10/02/2025 10:43

Ex and I split 2 years ago, he moved out nearly 2 years ago but is still on the mortgage. He was very abusive and controlling and i am currently in counselling due to a lot of what he put me through.
His go to threat has always been that he would take my son away from me if i left or met someone else by any means. This weekend when dropping my son off he questioned why i was wearing fake tan and said it must be because i've met someone ( i haven't). He has now told me that whilst i have been at work this morning he has been to the house and let himself in (says it was to drop sons scooter off but has just been to my work to drop everything else off so clearly not) he has been around the house taking pictures of 'mess' to try and prove that i am an unfit mother. I admit my home isn't tidy today at all as i had a migraine and went to bed late afternoon yesterday and was in a rush this morning. It is in no way dirty just messy which could be solved in an hour.
I feel sick with worry, he is that evil he will do whatever it takes to hurt me.

Is it legal for him to do this? To go in my home and snoop when i am not there?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 10/02/2025 10:46

He’s still on the mortgage, so yes he can let himself into a house he still owns. You need to get that sorted asap op. If you can’t buy him out you will need to sell - worth it to feel safe. See a lawyer and take back some power - don’t let him dictate the narrative.

username299 · 10/02/2025 10:47

It's his house as well.

Is there any reason why you're not divorced?

You could arrange third party drop offs and download a co-parenting app so you have evidence of his threats. Get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation for support.

RandomMess · 10/02/2025 10:50

Apply for an occupation order then you can change the locks.

Rights of Women can assist you with this.

Sooner you sell/settle the better Flowers

Imissbeingme · 10/02/2025 11:05

He pays nothing towards the mortgage but at the moment i am not in a position to buy him out which is what i wanted to do. I feel very uneasy at the thought of him snooping around. He did it last year and ripped up all my nice underwear so i couldn't wear it for someone else!

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2025 11:07

He did it last year and ripped up all my nice underwear so i couldn't wear it for someone else!

Did you report it/keep evidence? That sounds like criminal damage.

mnreader · 10/02/2025 11:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

username299 · 10/02/2025 11:10

Imissbeingme · 10/02/2025 11:05

He pays nothing towards the mortgage but at the moment i am not in a position to buy him out which is what i wanted to do. I feel very uneasy at the thought of him snooping around. He did it last year and ripped up all my nice underwear so i couldn't wear it for someone else!

You need to get in contact with a DV organisation and report him to the police if he is damaging your property.

ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2025 11:10

has been around the house taking pictures of 'mess' to try and prove that i am an unfit mother

I can't imagine anyone seriously thinking a bit of mess proves you're an 'unfit mother'. Otoh his behaviour seems like evidence of attempting to continue coercive control, which is a crime.

Fencehedge · 10/02/2025 11:13

It's harassment. He's not entering the house to carry out maintenance or anything legit. He's doing it to harass and intimidate. Please contact 101 and they will help you.

Sunhatweather · 10/02/2025 11:17

Contact women’s aid or another domestic abuse support organisation. This is domestic abuse.

Devilsmommy · 10/02/2025 11:17

ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2025 11:07

He did it last year and ripped up all my nice underwear so i couldn't wear it for someone else!

Did you report it/keep evidence? That sounds like criminal damage.

Definitely criminal damage. If you've been split up for two years then why the fuck does he think he can control what you do or who you see. Is there any kind of order that could be got from police/courts I wonder

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