How to stop getting frustrated with your teens!

[Fishsealife]

First post here, looking for some advice.

Our youngest teen, 14, is wonderful but frustrating. We end up nagging him about the same things - table manners, get off your phone, you've done enough gaming, stop walking muddy boots through the house, why haven't you done your chores.

We hate the sound of our own voices. But if we stop reminding him, he literally would do exactly as he wants. He's a strong personality.

Any thoughts on how to achieve a good balance? We didn't have these issues with our other two

Sometimes I bite my tongue as it’s not worth the drama.

Are all of these things really worth nagging him over?

Consequences.

Walking muddy boots through? He cleans the floor

Not getting off the computer...no computer

Gawping at phone... Remove the phone

Might be worth a little drama now to save you both from the fallout of his wife divorcing him because he's under the impression laundry does itself

My son used to remove his shoes without undoing the laces and would ruin them. I got pissed off and warned him if he carried on - he would be buying the next pair. He didn't stop. He had to pay £40 for his school shoes - his monthly pocket money at the time. He didn't do it again.

I think it is worth nagging because they hear some of it even if it looks like they’re ignoring you, and one day hopefully you’ll be able to stop reminding them.

Just make sure you talk to him about other, more fun stuff too so you avoid getting into a situation where you only ever talk to him about things he should have done (not saying you do this!)

Our kids get a very basic amount of pocketmoney and can top it up with doing their chores. If they don’t do them, no extra money. They always do them.

Before dinner everyone puts their phone in a box : the phone cage. We all get them back after we finished and the kitchen and table are clean. Youngest teen gets 2 hours phone time a day (he’s not on social media but uses it for games)

• Pick your battles - literally
• repeat repeat repeat. I read somewhere than you have to minus 12 so at 14 they are 2 yrs old so you re literally in the terrible 2s 😱.
• be patient. One they turn 16 and they come back
• natural consequences - no chores no pocket money, muddy shoes around the house —> cleaning —> not cleaning? Phone is taken or turned off via parental controls, etc.
• not tolerating rudeness.

it worked ish for us. Eldest turned 16 and she is back 💪🏻 second one is following the same path though but after that i have no more kids 🤣🤣

I agree with picking your battles otherwise you will constantly sound like you're nagging and eventually they're just going to switch off listening completely. For us, things like untidy bedrooms and crap eating weren't worth the nagging. Safety (especially having girls), online safety and doing well at school (while still giving them the freedom to choose their own paths and possibly make mistakes along the way) were.

You need boundaries around things like computer/phone usage, and explanations so that they can understand why. Eg no phones at the dinner table so that we can have family time together and are not distracted by phones. Limit of one/two hours gaming per day to give enough time for homework etc. Point to research about how phone use/gaming affects brain development in young people.
We have teens and have a family meeting (nothing formal, just a chat after dinner for example) fairly regularly to re-establish boundaries and expectations, and to give them the chance to make their feelings heard about things, too.

Don't nag - have consequences! If he makes a mess, he cleans it up. If he's not sticking to agreed screen time limits, wifi goes off or games console is removed for x days. If chores aren't done, privileges are removed. Unfortunately, frustration cannot be avoided, it's part of being a parent! Keep the verbal admonishing to a minimum, make the rules clear and enforce them with the minimum of fuss. If he complains and pushes back, just say 'that's life'!

Be mindful of when he does do what's expected and praise and thank him - it's easy to drift into just being negative with teenagers and not recognising the good stuff. Tell him how much you enjoy his company and ask his opinions on things - make him feel his contribution to family life is valuable.