Feel so hurt by DMs comments

[Hereforthekickz]

My 80 year old DM is a difficult person.
She is my parent but I am not sure I like her much.
She has upset me so many times over the years. She says things without thinking and it makes me uncomfortable. She is even more negative since she got older and wants constant attention. She is always ill with one thing or another but nothing is ever serious. She can’t make any decisions but blames you if you make one for her and it goes wrong. She is hard work. She shouldn’t have to ask me for help as I should know when she needs help. She wants me all the time to solve her loneliness and all her problems. She has always involved me in things that a daughter shouldn’t be involved with, like her rocky marriage and subsequent divorce from my late father. I am her counsellor and best friend.

My DF passed recently after a 6 month struggle and it was horrendous. My DF and I were close but didn’t live in each other’s pockets. He was very independent but we were there for each other when we needed it. During his illness, my DM behaved terribly at times. Everything was still about her even at my poor DF’s bedside. She made inappropriate comments about him and others and I found myself dealing with a very stressful situation whilst trying to deal with DM’s emotions as well.

Now that DF has passed, I am sure she feels that I have more time to look after her. She lives on her own but close by. I have an older sibling but he lives 3 hours drive away. There is only me really as he doesn’t visit very often. She manages well and is independent but she likes to make out like she is really struggling. I am in constant contact and offer to shop, clean etc but she refuses my offers most of the time.

She has told me she wants to move in with me, DH and DD as she needs looking after. We have no room for her and there is no way I would have her living with me. I did get her an apartment in sheltered housing at the top of my road but I knew she would never take it and she made a load of excuses and declined it.

Today she has done it again and I am in bed in tears over her hurtful comments. She told me she has seen a care home where my DB lives and she is looking into how she can move there (she seems to think it’s that easy!). She is fed up with feeling unwell and getting her lunch ready. She wants to be looked after. What really hurt was her saying she wouldn’t move into a care home nearby because I would only visit once a month. “I know you visited your Dad everyday but that was because there was going to be an end in sight”. In other words, I visited because he was going to die. Not because I loved him and wanted to. What an awful thing to say. He only passed in December.

So here I am, in tears yet again.

Just wanted to get it off my chest.

Sorry about your dad.
Ignore your DM's hurtful comments. People can become spiteful and tactless as they get older.

She has been this way for many years unfortunately.
I got so fed up with it this evening that I looked up Adult Social Care and I am wanting to apply for an assessment. She does this all the time but when they have been and given her some equipment that may help, she just returns it all. She makes her situation sound really bad and like she can’t look after herself but she can, she just wants my attention constantly. I used to give her all my attention but now I don’t want to and when she doesn’t get what she wants, she goes quiet.

She refuses all offers of help but wants a fuss. When she doesn’t get it, she changes tactics and says she is looking to move in with my DB or to a council house near him. She says she doesn’t want my SIL to have to do personal care as she isn’t her daughter. It’s just another dig at me. She doesn’t even need anyone doing any personal care currently. It’s all a game of FOG and guilt tripping me. It’s awful 😞

Call your brother, it's his turn. She's coming to live with/near him.

Grieve your dad without her horribleness.

Leave her to get on with it and have some space from her.

I can relate to some of this, I have a difficult aging DM who is lonely but also spiteful, jealous and manipulative. I do my bit for her care wise because I feel as though I can and I should. I've learned to understand over the years that it's not personal, DM makes comments because she's not very nice, she will say whatever she thinks will hurt most. It's a her problem. So I've detached myself from what she says, and have learned to find what she says amusing, it's honestly so unreasonable it's parody type behaviour. It's much better to laugh.

She's behaving a lot better when she doesn't get a rise from me either.

Can you see yourself getting to this point?

@FallenRaingel I would but we don’t get on unfortunately.
He is my half brother but my DF brought him up. They didn’t get on as my DB was a difficult person, getting into serious trouble etc. Despite this, he left us all some money in his Will.
DM told my DB that he wasn’t getting any money (not that it’s anything to do with her). This simply wasn’t true but she blamed me for telling her he wasn’t. I didn’t do this because it’s nothing to do with my DM. She just made it up and told him do she could tell me that he wasn’t upset about it.

Tell her to go for it and move. Or disengage completely.

Can I just say that it’s okay to stop having a relationship with her? She hurts you, deliberately, and that’s unforgivable, cruel and damaging. Don’t get stuck thinking you have to tolerate it because she’s 80 and might not have that long. I’ve known 3 extremely horrible people carry on torturing their relatives well into their late 90s.

One was my hateful grandmother. Do you know why I cried so much when I got the call to say she’d finally died? Because I was so incredibly relieved it was over. That she couldn’t hurt my wonderful mum anymore. No more nasty comments, cruel laughter, grim letters in the post, threats of suicide if she didn’t get what she wanted, no more threats, no more manipulative tears, no more putting up with it because we thought we had to.

How I wish my mum had just said no, enough, fuck off and let me live a life free of your poison. At any point. It’s never too late to set yourself free.

@Hereforthekickz All the more reason for it to be his turn. Don't call him. Wish her the best in her new care home near her son.

You don't owe her anything. For your own sanity, take a massive step back. Glad to hear you don't have space for her as she sounds like she'd just move in otherwise.

@TheWonderhorse yes I can and I do deal with it much better these days.
Losing Dad has brought up some complicated emotions. One is anger that DM talked to me too much about her relationship with him and painted him to be a difficult and selfish person.

I wasn’t close to him in my younger years because of this narrative she fed me. When they divorced, I grew closer to him and discovered this Dad I never knew and he was kind and interesting. I feel like I missed out on so much. I wish she hadn’t confided in me. I know I would do that to our DD.

I dread spending time with her. I am so anxious in her company and the truth is, I want her to move away 😞. It feels so wrong

I agree with this. Life's too short. I swear my horrible mum will outlive me. She was horrible to me as a child so i feel no guilt about being as low contact as possible.

It's not wrong. I have siblings who are spread out and less able to deal with DM for various reasons so I do the bulk. It's hard going, mentally.

It's okay to feel how you feel, it doesn't make you a bad person. It's a huge shame that you didn't get the mother you deserve, but it's not your fault.

I have so many friends who have amazing relationships with their own mothers and it makes me a bit sad that we are where we are. But I can't change her and I can't change how I feel about her.

But OP do not let some manipulative behaviour make you feel bad about yourself. You're doing more than you should if she makes you feel terrible. Don't sacrifice you mental health to appease her.

I really hope she moves away OP. She's saying it to coerce you into taking her in but hopefully she follows through with it. It's not your fault she has been horrible to you and her wanting to live with you to in effect torture you sounds awful.
Pack her bags, ready for your brother to collect her!!

My mum made my childhood unpleasant. Even as an adult she's no better. Over the years I've distanced myself from her. She has been struggling with ill health recently and I feel no obligation to help her. I suppose I should feel guilty about that but I find it very hard to have any sympathy. She was never there when I needed her.

I've always craved that special relationship with a good mum. Sadly it never happened for me either. I feel sorry for people like us. We've really missed out.
The resentment is still quite strong for me unfortunately.

Look, this isn't working. You are not responsible for her.

If you want to move away, do.

She told me she has seen a care home where my DB lives and she is looking into how she can move there (she seems to think it’s that easy!). She is fed up with feeling unwell and getting her lunch ready. She wants to be looked after

"OK, let me know when you've sorted it"

I don't know your mum but I would wonder that her comment about you only visiting your dad every day because it was for a few months wasn't designed to hurt in the way that it has but provoke reassurance and a commitment you'd do the same for her (obviously). She sounds desperately insecure. And as independent as I am, I'd quite like someone to look after me a bit / make my meals too.!

However you don't need me or anyone else to tell you how massively unreasonable & manipulative she's being. I'm not defending her behaviour, but trying to prompt you to see it being about her meeting her needs/desires rather than aiming to hurt you.

Unfortunately, you're just collateral damage. This is doesn't make her any less selfish of course, but I hope it will help you to detach a little so you're not overwhelmed by these painful emotions. It's not personal, @Hereforthekickz , it's just about her.

You don't deserve to be on the receiving end of such selfishness or unkindness. But remember your lovely dad - he saw you, he knew you. I'm so sorry he's no longer with you 💐 When you're grieving and someone is placing such unfair demands upon you, wanting you to subsume your needs to theirs, it's awful.

So let her get on with it. Remember you do a lot for her, you won't be abandoning her or leaving to suffer, but you will be refusing to bow down to the ridiculous guilt tripping and spiteful barbs.

Tell her that moving in with you isn't going to happen, it's not practical. You'll be there if she needs you but you can't be her carer so when she needs additional help she will need to engage with the local authority. If she wants to do that near your brother, then that's her choice and you'll respect her decision.

And just...back off. Stop going to such lengths to to fix her world for her. It's not what she wants. You can step in when it's necessary but it's time to stop seeking her approval, you'll only ever get it on impossible terms you can't meet.

You need to put boundaries in place. Just say ‘if you keep going on like that Mum I’m going to go.’ And change the subject. If she keeps going then you leave. Give her some space.

You are in charge of what you let others do to you.

This isn’t lip service. I’ve had several patches of no contact with my mum and am low contact now.

Sometimes all you can do is step away. She wants your attention. She needs teaching that she only gets attention if she’s nice.

My Mum is exactly the same. It’s stressful and you don’t need it. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person with boundaries. And that’s a good thing :)

Just agree with her and tell her that you think it is a good idea when she talks about moving in with or near to your brother. She just wants you to feel guilty.

Whatever you do, don't allow her to move in with you and your family. She sounds like an attention seeking nightmare. Being elderly isn't a free pass to be horrible and to get away with it. It doesn't sound as though she was ever a good mum to you so don't feel guilty.

It's not wrong for you to feel like that. It is a natural consequence of her awful behaviour towards you. Don't feel guilty. Put yourself and your family first and let her reap what she has sown.

@Hereforthekickz Come over and join us at the Cockroach Café - it's in Elderly Parents.
Lots of support and a safe space to share.

Get the assessment done, it might help having a carer go in once a day will help with a bit of company, make a snack, help he shower etc if she needs that.

We only manage my mum at home because we have carers in 3 times a day and my nephew lives there with her.

But honestly you also need a stock phrase to reel out every time she pushes your buttons, keep your boundaries high and your reactions to her calm.

The fact that she turned down sheltered housing close to you speaks volumes - that would have been the perfect setting for her. Most normal parents would have been delighted with that.
But she is intent upon mentally abusing you because that’s what it is. It is absolutely horrendous to treat you like this.
Here’s the answer - don’t let her, and don’t allow it any more.
She is behaving like this and in your own way you are allowing it - it’s not a criticism. As a loving daughter you are just trying your best.
Drop the rope.
Stop pandering to her. You have your own family.
If she were loving and caring it would be different but she’s made your life as a misery and made the end of your father’s life miserable, too.
Being a parent does not mean you can demand care from a child you have mistreated.
If you tell her no, refuse requests and reduce contact she can’t do anything. She can’t hurt you more than you are now.
If she wants to move, let her.
Do not let her move into your home. She will do her best to destroy your lovely family there, too.
I am sorry about the loss of your DF.

My mum was like this when I was growing up OP - alcoholic, narc, bully

I left my phone at home today and I am overwhelmed at the wonderful, supportive messagesI have received when I checked my phone. Thank you

She has been this way for years. You would think I would be over it by now. I handle it much better these days but she still manages to upset me at times.

Not only did I help get her the sheltered housing apartment, but I told her not to worry about cleaning it and we would sort out moving her furniture. It needed some work but I was even willing to do the hard work and pay for everything as she has little money. When she talks about why she turned it down she says “I couldn't manage all that cleaning on my own” or “How would I move all my furniture” It’s like she has completely ignored what I have said. Its all a way to make me feel bad because I am questioning if I even offered all that help. She even said “if I’d have known your Dad was going to die, I would have had his furniture and I would have taken the apartment!

Sometimes it’s so covert I don’t see it. When DF died, he had paid for his cremation up front. DM had insurance but she soon came to me saying that they wouldn’t cremate her until it was paid in full. So what did I do, paid it because she doesn’t have any money. The timing was off too. Asking just a few weeks after Dad passed.

Honestly, the list is endless!!

DO NOT LET HER MOVE OFF IN. Sound like it would be a nightmare

Saying she is moving near your brother is just another one of her power plays and throwing her toys out of the pram! Ignore -but l know that's easier said than done