Wanting to leave

[TheFunSwan]

Hi I’m 39 I’ve been with my partner for 23 years within that time we have had 2 beautiful children who are both teenagers now I have made the decision to leave him as he is …
very controlling constantly disrespects me (also our daughter)in front of the kids and others calls me names you should never call ur gf he has completely broke my self confidence and esteem telling me I would be no where if it wasn’t for him also he has put his hands on me many of times I asked him last week if he loved me and he said no I’m sick of feeling so alone he doesn’t even come near me no
I have summoned all my courage up and told him that I need and want to separate from him so we tried to go out for a meal but no he just got drunk and got arrested I had to go and pick him up the next day I didn’t want to speak about it.
I have told him again that I want to separate now alls he has done is cry and follow me around telling me he loves me but I don’t love him anymore he has put me through too much he won’t leave now he’s threatening to harm him self and saying it in front of the kids I don’t know what to do but I do know I need to leave him

Do you work or have any savings?

Why did you go pick him up?? Crazy. Can you leave?

You need to leave. Can you take the children to family. Call womans aid. But you need to leave Don't let him emotionally black mail you into staying. Good luck

Call woman's aid and speak to them . They will support you and guide you

www.google.com/url?q=www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwj-ktbo1reLAxWAa0EAHQHKADwQ-8cEegQIBRAJ&usg=AOvVaw1vBSP9UNXGPR7OgdazVe7R

Staying in an abusive relationship is very damaging for children too sadly . I hope you all find love peace and kindness

Oh sweetheart, you need to leave.
Maybe try and work out a plan before you talk to him any more about it. He'll only try and stop you or talk you out of it.
Talk to women's aid.

He's an abuser. It doesn't matter how he's feeling. He hasn't cared how you or your children feel, following on from his behaviour towards you. You need him gone from your life ASAP.

Your kids will be wondering why you haven’t left him yet.
You don’t need his permission to leave.
You don’t need to discuss anything with him because as an abuser he will always want you to stay.
It is one of an abusers many tactics to tell you he will harm himself if you leave. The purpose of this is he wants to have you there to control you because it makes him feel good when you feel bad.
You have to understand that it’s not because he loves you.

Stop talking to him about it and speak to Women’s Aid. They can help you leave.

Do you have money of your own?
Are you married ?
If not, do you have any joint assets ?
Regardless, you have to leave but if you’re married you’d be entitled to marital assets when you split.

Also, I suggest you speak to https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ for free legal advice.

Very importantly you must not give him a heads up about wanting to leave as he’ll just try different tactics aimed at persuading you to stay.
He’ll make you question yourself and gaslight you so you think you’re losing your mind. He’ll likely escalate the violence too if said tactics don’t work.

Call the police if you feel threatened.

Do you have family nearby ? Could you reach out to them for help and move in with them as a temporary measure? You and your children ?

Thanks for all the support for those asking yes I have a full time job the house is all in my name and the car I pay for everything

I can’t ring the police because I’m scared of what he will do

Are you afraid for your safety or his?

If he chooses to hurt himself that's on him. It is not your responsibility, you should not stay for that reason.

If you fear he will hurt you you should call women's aid. I wish you all the best, you don't deserve to be with this scum bag. You deserve better.

OP you are almost there, you know you need to keep going for the your sake and the DC.

Have you got help IRL? Friends of family that can be with you or support you?

You need to put your kids first. They already are extremely damaged. Put his stuff in bin bags and call the police to get him out. Change the locks.

Why did you pick him up when he was arrested?

I would ring women’s aid OP - they are experts in advising on how to leave safely.
Talk to them first and then you may need to talk to Shelter with their help - to make sure he doesn’t end up squatting in your house.

Once you’ve spoken to them, shelter, and if necessary the police with their help, then you can move to action - until then I wouldn’t discuss leaving again - all you are doing is feeding him content to manipulate you with.

Ring Women’s Aid today so you can get things moving asap.

You are long overdue to leave as you know - it’s hard to do but you owe it to yourself and to the children, this is no way for any of you to live.

He is a manipulative abuser, and you are his meal ticket, so of course he’ll threaten all sorts to keep you where he wants you - don’t engage with it - he’ll find something or someone else to latch onto once you get shot of him.

Op you have done so well telling him you want to leave.
Please ring women's aid for advice. I know you are scared to ring the police, I have been there but they took can give you advice and help. He is threatening suicide as another way to control you. He realises he is losing control and will do anything to regain it. I have been where you are.
Please ignore those on this thread judging you for picking him up. Until you have been in an abusive relationship you can't possibly understand what it does to you.
Op will be berating herself enough, she doesn't need any help with that from others who haven't had to survive in an abusive relationship.
You have got this op. It won't be easy but there is a life on the other side.

You have a job and a house so you are in a much stronger position than you realise. Don't speak to him about separating. It's unsafe. Contact women's aid and they will work with you on a safe plan.
Police will have to be involved, possibly with both evicting him from the house and arranging some kind of a restraining order. What he will do? Well, as long as you and the children are safe, it doesn't matter if he decides to top himself (and he won't, it's not how abusers operate).

You are in an excellent position to leave him. Many women leave their husbands with nothing due to being sahms. Try to focus on your children. If you don't leave him for you than do it for them. They will probably need counseling as well as you because the abuse has damaged them as well and you don't want them to repeat the pattern (which is extremely common). Look at your children and find strength in your love for them. All abusers say they will hurt themselves, it's part of the narrative. They don't though because they just get a kick out of hurting others.