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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not buy my best friends children every birthday/Christmas?

26 replies

Kittyteaa · 09/02/2025 18:28

Met one of my best friends a few years ago and been so close ever since, she had 3 children then and is now pregnant with a fourth( I didn’t know her when she had these children!) I don’t have children and I was wondering what’s the right way to approach this? I will obviously buy the new baby a gift but do I continue this? Is it unfair on the others? What would you expect? Thanks!

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 09/02/2025 18:30

If you've known her a few years already do I assume you haven't been buying them Xmas/birthday presents up until now. Buy a new baby gift but continue not buying anything else.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/02/2025 18:30

I wouldn't be expecting a present every birthday for my kids for birthday and Christmas. Buy a new baby present and tell her you are knocking other gifts except for close family on the head from now on. Also state whether you are still buying for her personally if you are to avoid any confusion.

LittleRedRidingHoody · 09/02/2025 18:30

Everyone is different ~ if you don't want to buy gifts, that's fine. Just don't buy for one child and not the others (bar a new baby gift!) and you'll be fine 🙂

JLou08 · 09/02/2025 18:32

I think a gift for a newborn is fine and would be appreciated. I wouldn't start getting in to birthday and Xmas presents though unless you are willing to commit to buying them all presents and probably every year too as it may seem like one has been left out if the other got a gift on there last birthday. Gifts for a new baby are different though, I got a few gifts for new babies from people who don't buy birthday/Xmas gifts.

Zusammengebrochen · 09/02/2025 18:34

A new baby/parent gift is fine, then just explain that you'll just be sending a card (and/or a token family gift) from now on.

TheWonderhorse · 09/02/2025 18:38

Are you saying that you want to buy for the new child but are worried because you didn't buy for the others when they were born?

It's common practice to buy for siblings of a new baby too. So something small for baby and something small also for the others, it's because siblings can feel pushed out of everyone lavishes attention on the baby when they used to spend time with the others.

annlee3817 · 09/02/2025 18:40

My best friend and I used to buy for each others kids, but then we agreed that as there were so many kids in our families that we'd stop and now we just buy for each other, if for any reason I am actually at hers on one of her children's birthdays I will buy them something, but as we live in different towns that's not often.

MrsSunshine2b · 09/02/2025 19:44

Not unreasonable, but it might be nice to give a small token gift each birthday just to acknowledge them, and a joint gift, like a family board game, at Christmas.

Alternatively, you could be direct and ask your friend if you could agree not to exchange gifts.

Love51 · 09/02/2025 19:48

Normal is to buy a new baby gift. Extra nice is to at the same time acknowledge the bigger kids. You don't need to start marking every birthday but don't do it for one but not the others.

ZaraCC · 09/02/2025 19:55

Totally fine. If you are conflicted though, you could buy a tiny present. We had an older relative who did that - she was my grand aunt and had a million grandchildren of her own but every Xmas she would give us all a wrapped little present. You could do stickers, a packet of sweets, pens, markers, fidget toy - from my experience, children are often just as excited about these things:)

Tiredbarbie · 09/02/2025 20:14

Yes of course it’s fine. Birthday and Christmas presents for 4 children is a lot. Big tin of biscuits or similar at Christmas and just cards for birthdays (could stick a fiver in if moneys not an issue but not necessary.) I do have children but we have stopped doing presents with most friends and their kids now, they all have too much already and life is expensive: I’d rather just enjoy time with them.

AnneButNotHathaway · 10/02/2025 05:54

It's totally fine, you don't have to buy them gifts. Getting a tiny present feels like a right answer to this, but you don't need to set it as a tradition if you don't want to!

RickiRaccoon · 10/02/2025 06:15

You don't need to do bday presents. Most kids get way too many presents as is. New baby present is fine.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 07:26

MrsSunshine2b · 09/02/2025 19:44

Not unreasonable, but it might be nice to give a small token gift each birthday just to acknowledge them, and a joint gift, like a family board game, at Christmas.

Alternatively, you could be direct and ask your friend if you could agree not to exchange gifts.

Do they give OP gifts on b day and Christmas??

All of this passing merchandise forth & back is so unnecessary. Kids don't need more tat. Send them a card in the post, at most.

Kitkatfiend31 · 10/02/2025 07:53

If you have already been buying gifts but want to cut it down just buy for birthdays. It doesn't have to be anything huge. Kids love small toys and books.

Blackkittenfluff · 10/02/2025 09:50

New baby present - ok.
Nothing else because you don't have any kids yourself and it's not fair on you.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 10/02/2025 09:53

If you think it will damage the friendship

For christmas you could get a "gift for the house" (tub of chocs) or joint gift like a board game and not buy your friend a personalised gift

For birthdays £5 in a card (or nothing if you aren't seeing them) is fine...

24namechange · 10/02/2025 10:03

Start as you mean to go on!

So yes to a new baby(one off) prezzie and a few sweets/treats for the older siblings - and leave it at that.

For Xmas and all future birthdays I would get them a box of sweets or something that they can all share.

Cynic17 · 10/02/2025 10:03

I always bought for multiple friends' children, until they were 21. I have no kids of my own. That's just how it is. On the plus side, I have maintained good relationships with the now-adult children and, indeed, am going to the eldest one's wedding in June.

You either care about them, or you don't, OP. That should be your guide.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/02/2025 10:08

Cynic17 · 10/02/2025 10:03

I always bought for multiple friends' children, until they were 21. I have no kids of my own. That's just how it is. On the plus side, I have maintained good relationships with the now-adult children and, indeed, am going to the eldest one's wedding in June.

You either care about them, or you don't, OP. That should be your guide.

OP might well care for them, doesn't mean she can afford to buy presents for 4 kids for every birthday and Christmas

MrsSunshine2b · 10/02/2025 10:31

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 07:26

Do they give OP gifts on b day and Christmas??

All of this passing merchandise forth & back is so unnecessary. Kids don't need more tat. Send them a card in the post, at most.

Show quote history

That's fair, but I always get my best friend and her children gifts for their birthday and Christmas, and she buys gifts for us too.

I usually ask her what they want or at least tell her what I'm buying to avoid duplication, and if there's no toys they need I buy a book, a nice outfit or something practical.

She's only got 2 though, and they've all been through a very bad time lately so it's just one of the little ways I am trying to shower them with love and show I'm thinking about them.

Floralnomad · 10/02/2025 10:48

Personally if you’ve already been doing it you need to tell her you are stopping or she might wonder why / what she’s done . Personally I’d do the new baby gift and then birthdays would be a £5 in a card and Christmas would be a selection box each ie token gift .

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/02/2025 11:35

TheWonderhorse · 09/02/2025 18:38

Are you saying that you want to buy for the new child but are worried because you didn't buy for the others when they were born?

It's common practice to buy for siblings of a new baby too. So something small for baby and something small also for the others, it's because siblings can feel pushed out of everyone lavishes attention on the baby when they used to spend time with the others.

What? I've never done this and never been aware it's common practice.

Where does it end?!! It's for parents to manage siblings feeling pushed out. Not for friends to buy loads of presents for everyone.

Notgivenuphope · 10/02/2025 11:36

A card is fine OP

FruitFlyPie · 10/02/2025 11:51

A new baby gift is a bit different as it's a one off occasion. I'd hate if my friends bought my children Christmas or birthday gifts and I'd ask them to stop. The kids have too much as it is, nor do I want a return obligation to buy for their kids if they have them.