AIBU for not just getting up and moving?

[ThatSassyPeachPoet]

Im not a total idiot so I’m already very much aware my FMIL was very clearly in the wrong here and if she acts this way after nearly a decade together this doesn’t bode well for her as a MIL in the coming years because her opinion won’t magically change in viewing herself as the number one woman in my husband’s life. She will always demand that she should still be the number one woman even over his partner/spouse. Thinking she should be sitting next to him at thanksgiving or other holiday dinners instead of his own wife. When the babies come she will think she has more of a say over me the mother bc she is the GRANDMOTHER AND DAMNIT THEY HAVE RIGHTS. But what I am asking is I’m on the verge after her tantrum and outburst of uninviting her to our wedding and the only thing that would be stopping me is the fact I wouldn’t want to do that to my fiancé because she is his mother and that this is the first time she has acted out but trust me I’m very tempted to. So I’m asking you guys is this wedding invite revoke worthy this incident?

My fiancé’s who is 29 his father very sadly passed away due to health complications from an accident he was in years back. His father was 59 years old and his father was an only child and so is my fiancé. My fiancé’s mom have been divorced from fiancé’s father for 20 years now. My fiancé and I own a home together and our wedding date is in June 2026. We have been together 9 years and have lived together for 5 years and are very much a fully committed couple we live as married and conduct ourselves as such since we have been living together a while. The day of the funeral I sat next to my fiance because well we been together 9 years, he is my life partner, never mind the fact we are engaged. And because naturally I’m going to be the person as his partner who is going to be his comfort to lean on and his emotional support when he is sobbing. Just to be very clear before I get into the rest that there were 6 chairs at the very front row and again both my fiance and his dad were only children so I wasn’t taken a seat away from a member of his dad’s immediate family by any stretch or otherwise I wouldn’t have sat next to my partner. So it was my fiancé’s dad’s mom, fiancé’s mom, fiance’, and me.

Well his mom (who mind you hasn’t been married to the man in 20 years) has the audacity to look me dead in the eye and tell me to and these were her exact words and I quote, “get up and sit behind my fiance because I’m not family and since she is my fiancé’s mother she will be the one to sit next to him and support him.” Now I get it it’s the father of her child and emotions run high at funerals so people say things that are out of character or not the kindest but IMO it’s no excuse to take it out on people who had nothing to do with the situation at hand. And I find it extremely out of line for an ex of 20 years to think she can dictate the seating arrangements. Never mind I’ve been with my fiance a decade and it isn’t bc I think I’m super close to his dad necessarily but I’ve always been raised funerals are about being there for the grieving not necessarily the deceased so I was there next to my life partner to be his shoulder to cry on. I said back to my FMIL, “I’m supporting my fiance and being this is his father’s funeral I think the decision should be left up to him.” His mother said back, “well I’m his mother and mother trumps partner so he can lean on me.”

I find this incredibly strange that she would expect her nearly 30 year old son to primarily lean on her and cry on the shoulder of his mother over that of his long term partner he has been with for a decade and who is about to become his wife. I’m worried that she still views herself as the primary woman in his life and that’s not going to bode well for our marriage bc I don’t ever see her view changing. I got up to sit behind my fiancé and he told me no I am family and I’m sitting right where I need to be and he told his mother if she has a problem with it she can move. She cried her eyes out and said she can’t believe her son is choosing some woman he isn’t married to over her.

I wouldn’t have moved, but equally I wouldn’t hold a single incident of unreasonable behaviour against someone if that behaviour occurred at a funeral. He was her husband, and the father to her much loved son, of course emotions were running high. Your emotional maturity seems decidedly lacking if you take this one occasion in nearly a decade and leap straight to considering uninviting your fiancé’s mother from your wedding. Grow up a bit, get over yourself and stop being so adversarial when it comes to your MIL.

This 100%

Her fiance did request it.
I'd say she had more right to sit at the front than an ex wife of 20 years.

My sister recently passed away. I get married to my partner in less than 2 weeks. We have lived together for 3 years and have an 18 month old.

My partner travelled with us in the family car. He sat at the front with myself and my parents. You know why? Because he's family! So we aren't married yet....it doesn't make him any less of a family member.

I also wouldn't have let my parents tell him to sit elsewhere. But he did end up leaving as our toddler was making a lot of noise. But that was a choice between me and him. I wanted to take our child outside, and he didn't want me to leave my sisters funeral.

The same should go for you with your family. You aren't planning on leaving. You're family. End of story!

You’ve been with him 10 years, surely you know her fairly well by now? Is this normal? I wouldn’t change anything based on someone’s behaviour at a funeral, they are emotional occasions and people behave strangely. I would wait until the emotions have died down and then discuss with your fiance how he sees things going in the future, as a married couple and as parents - this will give you an idea as to whether you are on the same page

I said you were unreasonable because you changed the story from last time, and you are not stating exactly what she said but your own interpretation. If you want advice then you need to drop the hyperbole and focus on what happened, otherwise calm down, and let your boyfriend handle it.

It's no use saying 6 seats; it's 3 each side and he was sat with his gran who had lost her child; his mum was also upset, divorce can leave complicated emotions at funerals.

I wouldn't even tell her where or when the wedding is, she will find a way to ruin the day.

But the MIL is NOT the FIL wife. She is his ex wife divorced 20 years. It is more appropriate for the only son and son's partber to sit together than for an ex wife to be anywhere near that row!

She was his ex wife divorced 20 years earlier and had no current relationship with him.

Even if she was grieving she was grieving a past relationship and that doesn't allow front row status and main character status. I a glad the son told her so and wanted his partner with him.

Your sole guest list is it? Your fiance gets no say in who attends his own wedding does he not?

For this reason I’ve voted you are being unreasonable.

I find it’s amazing how some women who have divorced their ex husband and moved on suddenly claim the title of “bereaved widow “and are broken-hearted demanding sympathy ! At least your fiancée stood up for you .

You don't need to disinvite her from your wedding. Your DH doesn't have much family and he's got the measure of her, so let her be there.

Yes she's narcissistic but if you get a couple of groomsmen or bridesmaids to keep an eye on her I'm sure she'll be fine.

he told me no I am family and I’m sitting right where I need to be and he told his mother if she has a problem with it she can move.
That right there (he told her) is the one factor that is the saving grace of this situation.

She cried her eyes out and said she can’t believe her son is choosing some woman he isn’t married to over her.

This fact doesn't bode well. You've been together 9 years, your wedding is upcoming. It's not like you're the floosy who he brought home the last weekend.

HOWEVER. you can't uninvite MIL to the wedding because she isn't YOUR guest, she's your DP's guest. So stop that batshit talk, and instead get you partner to address the issues you have with HIS mother. His side, his issue to resolve. You need to stay in your lane, and that lane doesn't involve managing how he manages his mother. You set the boundaries of what you will accept, but he dictates what contact he has with his family, not you.

Is this her fiancés wedding too?

Maybe he wants his mom there?

This was my reaction about meals. Everyone, well, both women seem to be feeding the drama. Even if she is annoying. And uninviting her from the wedding is going too far.

Considering its a wedding about them becoming a married couple, and MIL has zero respect for her and doesn't even consider her as family there's no need for her to be there. The wedding is about them as a couple and people who love and support them both, there's no need for anyone who isn't celebrating the relationship to be there.

You can't uninvite his mother from the wedding that needs to be a decision he makes. However, this is your soon to be husband and you been with him almost a decade I think you have every right to DISCUSS not DEMAND that possibility if she pulls another stunt.

That being said, to those saying well you are just paraphrasing that's not her exact quote the fact she even said something to the affect of asking her to move is rude when there was room for her right on the other side of her son.

I"m also confused because I am reading it like it's her ex-husband's funeral. So while I can certainly understand her sitting in the front row because it's the father of her child I am confused as to how that would be her place in choosing the seating arrangements? I am assuming it must be a cultural thing where even if divorced when the parent of your child passes away they are in charge of the funeral? Because wouldn't the seating arrangements be left up to the immediate family member of the deceased? Like in this case it would be the mother of the deceased or OP's fiance (the son) since there was no mention of his father that I could see and or any other children besides OP's fiance?

So OP if you could explain that to us or clarify if I am reading your post incorrectly.

I agree 100% with your last paragraph however I hope you don't mind me adding this point in. However if he is a decent partner/husband after 9 years he shouldn't want someone in his life who would treat his partner that way.

This is also where I land. However where I think you and I differ is that this has to be a decision her DF makes because it's his mother and could cause a major rift in their relationship. However I think it's completely irrelevant if they are married or not in this circumstance sitting next to him and being a big emotional support person for her partner. Given their 9-year commitment, engagement, and set wedding date it's completely reasonable for OP to consider herself his partner in every sense. Her relationship has stood the test of time, and they've built a life together.

In this context, sitting beside him at the funeral was a natural and supportive gesture. She is his rock, confidante, and future spouse, Her presence was likely a comfort to him during a difficult time.

I can't help but wonder if this was a 50 year old unmarried couple who has been together since they were 40 if everyone would be singing the same tune saying they aren't married or are they just being dismissive of their relationship because they are a young couple? Hmm it does give me pause.

The "soon to be wife" (regularly repeated)?