4yo doesn't want to do anything with their dad

[BackoffSusan]

Is this normal? 4yo has diagnosed ASD and all transitions are a challenge (leaving the house, getting dressed, eating, bath time, bed time). Usually I get round it by keeping everything light & fun and I see a child psychologist every 2 weeks to try new things. There is no respite except when hes in school and in the evening it can take more than 2 hours to get him to sleep (psych has proposed trying melatonin). DS will not go anywhere with his dad, he doesn't even want to sit on the sofa with him, will not leave the house with him, or go to school with him or let him do bedtime. Consequently it feels as though DH has given up on all parenting and I'm so peed off with it. AIBU? I told him it feels like he exists on the periphery of family life and dips his toes in for the easy bits when it suits him. He thinks I'm unreasonable. But I think he could attend the psych appointments instead of just me, to seek advice on ways to try to improve things. Or he could suggest new things to try. I notice his relationship is better with DS when they spend more time together (makes sense) like if he takes him to see relatives for a long weekend without me. But it feels like DH just can't be bothered. He has suggested before to take DS swimming or to a sports class on a weekend but never followed through. It always falls to me. I know DS is more challenging because of his ASD so it takes more effort but I'm exhausted with doing 99% of the parenting because I feel like my DH can't be bothered. And I think DS is the way he is because DH doesn't make the effort with him.
This week I had a hospital appointment so I asked DH to collect DS from school. He rang me to say DS was hiding behind the shed at school refusing to leave because he didn't want to go with him and that he wanted me to go to school to collect him. Another day I asked DH to collect DS because I had another appointment and it was a half day. Usually on a half day I pick DS up and we go spend the afternoon doing something. Instead I get home and DH has left DS infront of the TV, not fed him anything and he's lying in bed because "he's tired". He just can't be bothered with life. That's my feeling.

So I guess the choice is to continue as you are, or split up so that you don’t have to live with the anger and resentment that DH brings.

It sounds difficult for your DH if your child is not listening and engaging with him. Have you discussed this with the child psychologist?
Imagine trying to interact with a child and do normal things like pick them up from school but they instead hide behind a shed? I imagine he felt embarrassed and I am guessing because it is you doing all the appointments, doesn't really understand your son's needs.
Does your school offer any parenting classes that your DH could take part in (and you too) to help with strategies and hear from others? To him he probably sees how well you deal with your son, so that makes it extra hard when he tries and fails.
I think you need to work as a team, so both of you pick your son up together so the routine of how you do it is shown to your DH. Also shows the child that dad is involved and knows the child can do it.

I work with a dc like this. Only mum can get him to school. If dad or sibling tries to pick him up he refused to leave with them and they eventually have to call mum. It's hard and upsetting for everyone. Whilst going to bed was really crap, it must be pretty hard to engage with a dc who flatly refuses all the time.

Sounds to me like a lot of fannying about. I wouldn’t be allowing him to dictate who can pick him up or who does bedtime.

Dad should have just picked him up and carried him out of school, not pandered to him hiding behind the shed and ringing you.

ASD or not, you shouldn’t raise a little dictator. Boundaries are important.

You feel like the parenting falls to you because you’ve pushed DH out and allowed your son to dictate how your house runs.

It’s hard for you being in effect a lone parent but hard for DH too to be stonewalled by his child. Try to become a team again and support each other. DH may be depressed and need to seek help.
It might help him interact with DH better if he came to the psychologist sessions at least some of the time.

And yes it is normal BTW with certain children with ASD, I’ve seen it and it’s heartbreaking for everyone.

I possibly would have said something similar until I had my own autistic children and started socialising with similar families.

What if the child started thrashing around, running at cars, attacking dad significantly, self harming, slamming his head on the floor, took all his clothes off in the playground? (All real things that happen) Would you still do it? What if it made the child so profoundly unhappy and scared when repeated that they became really unwell?

OP - please don't ask your DH to do this. Plenty of our community have done similar under similar misguided advice and it does not end well...

Thank you for all of the replies. It's good to have another perspective because as one poster said I'm mainly exhausted and resentful.
I know DH finds it hard. This week there's been alot of "I want a new daddy, why can't daddy stay at home and I go with mummy, I don't love daddy and telling him to go away all of the time". I have told DH he needs to attend the child psych appt this week to discuss strategies on how to tackle this. I do think part of the problem is that you need alot of patience when you have an ASD kid and that is not DH strong point. He tends to shout when he's frustrated and this is like pouring petrol on a bonfire with DS. I also think he's found it difficult yo accept DS diagnosis so he's not been as willing to adapt his parenting style.
He does come with me some mornings and pick ups. I find in the morning it's harder if he comes because he lacks patience so there will be alot of "come on, we are late, hurry up, stop doing that" and eventually shouting which inevitably results in DS getting more upset. He does not cope well with transitions, once he's in school he's fine. It's just an ordeal getting there. This morning is a prime example - he didn't want to get dressed (kicking, crying) because he didn't want to leave home. Getting dressed is a nightmare because he will only wear certain clothes (textures) Doesn't want to walk to school (more crying). It's a battle. But it's smoother and easier if you keep things light, cheerful and fun.
If we are both with DS, then DH tends to default to taking a backseat (he's on his phone, not really engaging) because he doesn't have to, I'm there.

I also just want him to have some input. Read a book about ASD, have an opinion, be interested in trying to understand DS behaviour. Make the effort. Recognise that I'm carrying the load of all of the parenting.

Your DS was born during lockdown. How much opportunity did DH have to be part of pregnancy, labour, birth and postpartum support?
There would have been lots of restrictions put in place which preventing bonding. He may need the support of health professionals to grieve this time he's lost with his family.
Your DS spent his first year or so during all the restrictions banning meet-ups etc. Does this not still contribute to his understanding of the world?
What sort of blood tests and brain scans have the professionals done to rule out other ways to support him before offering medication?

Can your DH go with you and your DS to the child psychologist every two week?

By watching their interactions or lack of them they may be able to advise you and your DH on how to handle this. It might also give a chance for your DS and DH to interact with someone to intervene and assist them who has probably had to negotiate similar situations in the past.

I'm sure it's hard for DH to hear those things and for him to try to parent his son and fail. However, he has to be the adult here. He needs to recognise that his relationship with his four year old has broken down and he has to put in the work to fix it. It almost certainly is fixable if he wants it to be – four is still very young – but it may take time and patience and a fair bit of work on his parenting style.

The first steps seem reasonably clear – spend more time engaging with DS, work on his patience and other techniques for handling those situations, and take an increasingly active role when you're both present. Is he willing to work on it?

The other thing I would say is that I'm all for not allowing children to dictate who does what given the scenario of two reasonably competent parents where the child will be looked after physically and emotionally with either parent. That's not what this is. If one parent is losing their rag and shouting over minor things, then no, I would not be pushing my child to accept that.

My DC is 4 and Autistic and he is the same, he wants to do everything with me but I think this is because it had become part of his routine as I was just doing it all anyway. We are actively trying to get DH to do more with him, I will start bath time then DH will come in to finish it.