DS(12) is lazy/apathetic

[Dracomalfoysmum]

DS is in S1 (yr8). He’s bright but doesn’t apply himself at school-he has tests but won’t revise and then doesn’t check his answers so is making silly mistakes; he’s having to choose subjects for next year but says everything’s just ok and doesn’t show any interest to find out more to help him choose and asks us what he should chose; he joined a rugby team last year and dropped all other activities but he doesn’t get much game time because he doesn’t give much effort on the pitch; he doesn’t want to go out with us as a family any more and makes things miserable if we make him.

I’ve been really concerned about whether he’s depressed but have observed his behaviour and he seems happy. I’ve also had direct and indirect conversations with him about his mental health and he seems ok. I’ve asked him why he’s not putting more effort in and he says he doesn’t know.

All he does when he’s at home is play on his PlayStation. He seems to have no problems with friends-he’s pretty easy going. He’s not material-he doesn’t ask for anything even for Xmas and birthdays.

I’m not sure what to do or if there’s even anything I should do! I’ve always said to my kids that I didn’t care if they were the best or not as long as they tried their best. He seems to have no passion or drive to do anything apart from playing on his PlayStation. Anyone have any experience with this and what did you do?

Remove PlayStation. It's too easy to turn to and get sucked in. Time on it would be a reward

He's does not sound depressed he sounds like a typical lazy teenage boy.

He needs to completely fail a test and then he will likely put the effort in. I hope his test failure comes soon.

Please nip the PlayStation obsession in the bud. My brother got a PlayStation when he was 13 and he just became totally withdrawn and basically quit life outside of gaming once it got its hooks into him. Its like an addition! My parents were too naive to do anything about it (it was so new) so he played it pretty much every waking moment.

Hes 29, lives with my parents, doesnt even shower unless forced, lives in a mouldy bedroom because it's full of takeaway containers, he's 27 stone and sleeping on a broken single bed. He owns 1 pair of shoes, 2 pairs of trousers and some tops, simply because he refuses to spend money on new ones, he'd rather buy takeaways and PlayStation games. He is 29 and working 16 hours a week at sainsburys, too lazy to get anymore hours and is basically unemployable at this point because he just stinks of BO and won't learn to drive and won't walk further than a 1 mile radius from home. He must be manically depressed to want/accept this as his whole life, but its a viscious circle because he will do nothing to quit gaming and go outside. He spends all night gaming and sleeps all day (wakes up at 4pm, works 5-9, games 10pm-6am, sleeps till 4pm... repeat). He's not got a friend in the world. If he died tomorrow his best memory of the last 10 years would be some shooting game he won on the playstation.

I said to my parents they've failed him in many ways by not throwing the PlayStation out the top window and refusing to let him own another one whilst under their roof.

Sorry I know this isn't just a leap, its a catapult! But i feel so strongly about this. Please put a time limit on his gaming and put boundaries in place like, if he wont revise then he won't get to play his games. Encourage him to have friends over the house, not just talking online. Keep up with the rugby as much as possible.

13yo ds here
Lazy as hell
Still needs to be told to get dressed and brush his flipping teeth
Worse than his 8yo brother
Probable ADHD at play though

Have you thought inattentive ADHD? Most boys who have ADHD have the hyperactive type so it's easier to identify where girls typically have inattentive but boys can have inattentive too. It can look like forgetting things, making silly mistakes, struggling to do things if you don't want to. Not enough information to know for sure but it might be worth looking online and seeing if anything else stands out as similar to his behaviour.

I know people are quick to dismiss suggestions of ADHD as it seems to be very talked about at the minute but I was diagnosed as an adult and it can really take ita toll where missed so at least worth reading into and crossing off you realise it's not him.

Ditch the PlayStation or limit it to weekends. You need to see what he will do with his time when that’s not an option. We’ve taken away screens almost entirely for 10 yo DSS who almost definitely has ADHD and it’s made a world of difference. He is reading, writing, drawing. He won’t clean his room without prompting but when there’s a reward for it (nothing big, just access to different toys or something else he wants) then he will be angry and then get on and do it. He can’t handle gaming at all, he’s angry if he loses, angry when it finishes, obsesses until the next time he plays. So we just don’t do it and it’s been the right thing 1000%.

I don’t think it’s ADHD. He organises himself well just doesn’t actually do the task itself well! He also used to have no issue with trying his best. He’s quite introverted and not the most outgoing.

He would make all our lives miserable if we significantly reduced his gaming time. It is his only hobby in the house and is also his way of socialising with his friends. Has anyone else had this problem, reduced gaming time and solved the issue?

DS doesn’t get upset or anything if he wins/loses. He does enjoy gaming and chatting to his friends. It doesn’t seem to be giving him any aggressive or argumentative issues. When I’ve reduced gaming time it has made no difference to his attitude!

I think your reluctance to curb his gaming is part of the problem. All kids should have limits on gaming for their metal and physical health. It might not make a difference in the short term but it will in the long term.

No-More-Playstation.
30 min a day if he cooperates with school work and chores at home.

So you reward his misbehaviour with unlimited access to the Playstation instead of rewarding cooperation around school work and chores at home with use of the Playstation?

It's common enough for boys of that age not to bother too much but he cannot be gaming for hours every day after school. He will never want to come off so it's up to you. Maybe an hour every evening when homework is done, some chores, fresh air as evenings brighten. If he complains coming off dock that time the next evening. He could have a longer session on Saturday evening after rugby training. The PlayStation turns them into zombies. And it shouldn't be in his room but in a family space so you don't forget about him. Same with phones.
And l would ban it if he refused to come out with family or made a big fuss. All this is for his own good and he will reap the benefits as he adjusts but it is work for you and there will be complaining but stick to your guns. It's a long way to 18!!
Good news is boys, in my experience, begin to study when they see the point of it..college etc. Meantime keep him off gaming as much as possible.

He would make all our lives miserable if we significantly reduced his gaming time

Who's in charge here, him or you?

It does sounds like the PlayStation use needs to be limited, just letting him have access 24/7 and thus neglecting responsibilities is failing him.

Mum of 3 boys, 18 1o 11.....the gaming time needs to be limited. It will be hell at first but worth it in the end. They can't regulate themselves so we have to do it as parents.

My eldest is now great at self regulating and continues with his outside interests.

Trust me, you will reap the benefits.