How to get rid of resentment

[FashionCrazy]

I grew up in a house with no love. A Dad who only parented when he could be arsed ( didn't live with us). Paid me £4 a week pocket money but refused to pay child maintenance and threatened to quit his job if he was ever forced to do so. Mum never told me she loved me unless she was drunk and even then it was never said directly. There was no affection, no attention. Regularly told I was a waste of space. Christmas presents occasionally ended up in the pawn shop a week later, my birthday money used for gambling. She would beat the shit out of me if I was ever naughty (and tbh, I was never naughty enough to justify it).
We were very poor, but there was never a day without alcohol and cigarettes.
I just put up with it and accepted this was life.
Now I have my own kids I feel more and more resentful about my upbringing. Some days I feel so angry.
I live hours away now and have distanced myself so she isn't a huge part of my life but I can't let this sadness and resentment go.
My sister has MH issues which no doubt stem from our upbringing.

Can you access counselling or a suppprt group?
You had a terrible childhood
So sorry. Resentment is natural, I think

I think therapy is the only way.

Gosh that sounds awful, you poor thing. You were incredibly unlucky, I'm so sorry.

I agree with PP's. I think counselling or therapy is the way to go.

I'm sorry that you were brought up with this and it's left you feeling angry and resentful.

You've broken the cycle and giving your children a far better upbringing. That's amazing!

Lots of people don't break that cycle and the abuse continues generation after generation.

I hope that you're able to work past your resentment and anger. You deserve to be happy.

I think you would find this book helpful:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents

Lindsay Gibson

You might find ACA useful.

www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/

I'm sorry you went through that, there's no excuse for it and it shouldn't have happened. What can help with the resentment is an understanding of what led to your parents being this way. How hard there life was at the time, their own childhood and any trauma they experienced. That's not to say you owe them anything but for your own healing that could help.

Yes, I've wondered if this could have been a factor. Her upbringing wasn't great either from what I know but more reason to not make your own children endure the same right?
I think I'd blocked this all out but it's hearing of my friends happy childhoods and seeing their great relationships with their parents now that's made me realise that mine wasn't normal and see that she just has a heart of stone.

The only happy memories I recall from childhood were from school

It should make people do better with their own children but research shows it doesn't. There is often a cycle of abuse generation after generation. Maybe some people are so damaged by it that they don't have the ability to reflect and realise how wrong it was and/or make changes. Many turn to alcohol and drugs to deal with the pain which just brings more problems.

OP if it’s any consolation I felt EXACTLY as you did just last night ❤️

I felt like this last night walking back from the shops after having an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic mother. I consoled myself with the following :

1. she didn’t seem to have any real friends/meaningful connections in life
2. She seemed very unhappy in herself
3. She was part of a community that I hated she couldn’t wait to get away from
4. She died relatively young from alcohol abuse mainly

I get it. Once you have your own kids, you start to question and reminisce your own upbringing especially when trauma is involved or abuse or neglect, because you find yourself so protective over your children that you suddenly feel heartbroken for the little girl that you remember that was unloved, uncared for and abused.

It’s difficult becoming a parent when you don’t have a decent role model of what a good parent actually is but I believe that it is instinctive and maternal, that’s how I know how to love and care for my kids because I know exactly what NOT to do by default.

I think what helped me rid of any resentment was realising that our own mothers were also once those little girls who also were perhaps abused or neglected and unfortunately, they never were able to break the cycle of generational trauma through no fault of their own, they weren’t able enough to break the bonds of hatred with love because that’s a hard thing to do when all you’ve known is pain.

I feel solace and find peace within that as I know that even though I didn’t receive the love and care I should have desperately gotten as a child, at least I am brave enough to choose a different route for my own children and to ensure they receive quadruple the love, care and attention I never got as a child.

There are certain abuses that are simply sickening and unforgivable but I choose to try to forget about them move on or seek therapy for it and it’s a lifelong battle that never really goes away because of how evil intended it was but there are also some abuses in my childhood that I choose to forgive because I’m empathetic to the fact that it wasn’t intentional and I could see the pain in their eyes and feel the hurt in their tears and knew deep down they wanted to do better but just didn’t know how.

I forgive; not for them but for myself, for my own peace of mind otherwise it’s chaotically painful to ask yourself why and rewind things that I’ll never be able to comprehend or justify. And I’d only be hurting myself more by doing this. Forgive and forget.

Sorry meant to say

My mum was part of a community I couldn’t wait to get away from

There is a type of counselling that focuses on the Mother Wound. I found it really helpful. Happy to share the name of the therapist, who practises online, if you would like to DM me.

I’ve also had powerful results from meditation but a good supportive teacher would help with that.

I agree with therapy but the thing that helped me the most was being a completely different type of mother to my own children and seeing them achieve things and be capable of things through my love and support that I'd never have been capable of at their ages (or even now, tbh).

Breaking the cycle is a huge healer.

@FashionCrazy I am incredibly sorry to hear about your painful upbringing. You were let down very badly.
What is heartening is that you have broken the cycle and won’t allow any other children to suffer as you did.
I completely understand the feeling of resentment, and the puzzle of how to let it go.
It must have felt so sad to see other parent and child relationships that were warm and loving, supportive; and there’s you and your sibling struggling. The things you needed were denied. Drank away. Pawned. Lost.

You did nothing wrong. At all. You were innocent. This all lies very squarely on the shoulders of your parents, and the generations before.
Those who refuse to let their children suffer as they did are the true heroes. I know you will feel nothing like a hero.
It is totally natural you want to let go of the resentment you very rightly feel about your upbringing. You have EVERY right to feel angry. You are NOT wrong.
So, how do we let it go?
Little tiny steps, each day. Little kindnesses to yourself especially. Buy that bunch of flowers or lovely candle for yourself. The book or the present you would have loved as a child. And you get to keep it this time. Forever.
Raise your cup of tea to your ancestors, and don’t look the hell back.
What do you what to do with your life? Where do you want to go? What do you want to feel?
Make a plan with a capital P.
Claim what is left of your precious life, for it is yours to do as you wish with. dance. Sing. Never care of what others think. Find things that light a fire in you. Laugh. And I bet you love fiercely. Good.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but these shit parents will never, ever admit to the chaos and pain they inflicted. For they too were very highly damaged.
I wish you courage.

Sorry you've gone/going through this op. It's shit.

We've had similar childhoods. It all came to a head for me when my first child was born I suddenly felt so let down and so much rage. I did lots of therapy and inner child work. I know how to parent myself and the little girl inside me who often just wants to be heard, seen and valued.

Doing the therapy has been the biggest gift to myself but also my children. They trigger the same trauma responses inside me as my childhood did and without awareness I would absolutely turn into my parents. So learning why I do this and what I need in those times has been so life changing and cycle breaking. I'm by no means perfect and I often apologise to my children and explain if I seem a little shut down or stressed. It gives them the opportunity to talk about feelings emotions and see a adult in front of them self regulate which they themselves have copied without me even realising it. I will hear them counting or deep breathing. Listening to music when they feel angry.

For now op I'd start doing some journalling or art if you like, just get it all out. The anger the rage the disappointment. Because it is an injustice. There will come a time you will want to talk about it all and have someone ideally a therapist witness it . Then grieve it. It's quite the process. But it can be wonderfully freeing. I can honestly say I just feel sad for my parents now I don't excuse their choices and behaviors, but I can see the circumstances that lead them to be who they are. I keep good healthy boundaries and distance.
I am a much happier lighter person for doing the self work. I had potential to become very bitter and negative or a victim. Last thing any of us wants is to become like them but it's scary how much if left on autopilot we can.