Parents evening and DH

[RockahulaRocks]

DH picks up DD from after school club on a Wednesday. This coming Wednesday also happens to be parents evening which has been in the calendar for a good few weeks and to which they ask for no kids to come along. Asked him today if he wanted to come along, and he said no. Fine, said it would have been a pain trying to find childcare anyway, to which he replied ‘oh I can’t do pick up either, I have a team meeting’. Deliver a bit further and turns out his team meeting finishes at 5pm and then there would be a few drinks afterwards.

AIBU to say he can’t just unilaterally pick & choose when he does pick up on ‘his’ day (his ONE day per week), expecting me to leave work early to fill the gap, simply because he’s organised a meeting on a certain day, without thought for anyone else apart from himself, and wants to go boozing afterwards? He’s currently stomping round the kitchen because I’ve told him he’s going to have to leave promptly after the meeting finishes because it’s our first in-person parents evening of Reception, and I’m not willing to a) miss it or b) fanny around arranging childcare when DD has a perfectly good father who can do that job.

I absolutely agree with you OP.
It sounds as though he has arranged things on that day deliberately to get out of parenting responsibility.
Pretty poor as well that he sees drinking with his colleagues as more important than his family.

If DH or I can’t meet our planned parenting obligations, we ask the other person if they can cover. We can tell the other parent the level of seriousness for the conflict ranging from, someone scheduled a meeting even though I had the time blocked out on my calendar to I’m meeting with the Prime Minister and really, really need your help. The other parent can then help or decline.

DH should be able to attend his meeting and drinks if he arranges childcare. Is that not an option?

YANBU he isn't even being asked to do something extra, just do his fucking job and pick up his own child whilst YOU do parents evening.
Tell him he can either pick up or he can go to parents evening.

Selfish prick.

Even if it wasn't his day to collect her I'd be expecting him to do so. Parents evening comes way above drinks with colleagues.

To be honest I couldn't get that worked up over swapping one day for another. Granted he should have had the conversation without having to be prompted.

Beyond that, if he sorts childcare then I can't really see the big issue. You don't really get to choose when your team meetings are, and often the social element is quite important.

Sure, he’s more than welcome to use his initiative and sort out some childcare. I did mention this as an alternative and he replied with “well, can you...” No, I cannot.

So if he made plans, at what point was he going to check in with you that you were there to step in with the children?

This is bonkers, as are the replies.

It is the day he generally does; it is a meeting that's been in the calendar for ages.

You asked whether he planned to come or not, and it's only because of that question that he's suddenly decided not only is he not doing pick up, but he also expected you to magically know to sort childcare to cover parents' evening?!

No.

Out of interest, what would have happened if you hadn't happened to mention it? What if you'd just shown up to parents' evening as you planned, without picking up the children or arranging childcare? Surely, he wasn't expecting never to have to tell you he needed the cover.

There’s no offer to swap days, or find an alternative, just an expectation for me to pick up the additional day. And yes, he can choose when the meetings are, they’re ‘his’ meetings with his own team which he’s organised the date & time of. To also note, there is no lack of social interaction, I also had to manage additional pick up days twice last month because he was out with work colleagues.

There's 4 other weekdays he could organise meeting with drinks after. Why is he doing them on the one day he is doing pickups

Who knows, if it was anything like the most recent time in January, 3:30pm on the day.

Wow.

Oh well, I'd say that's what he needs to do as you're doing parents' evening. YANBU

YANBU and you sound like you’re sick of his shit. I would be too!

You know what? I'd love to know whether, at work, he routinely assumes that if he's given a responsibility, he can just decide not to bother, and doesn't tell anyone on his team until they ask. I bet he doesn't.

Well quite. Probably the source of my frustration really, as though picking up his own child is optional if he doesn’t have any Better Plans

Childcare issues and whether Dh is being a turd aside, unless the school are providing childcare it’s unreasonable of them to ask that children not attend. My dc have probably attended half of all parents evenings since reception (Y2 and Y7 now, so that’s a lot of parents evenings). I have 2 dc and Dh and I both work. We can’t both take the afternoon off for parents evenings with both dc several times a year. It’s not practical. My dc have often participated in the conversation, but there is always something they could do to keep busy in the classroom while we chat. Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be more responsible about sorting out his schedule though. Just means that his presence really isn’t necessary.

It’s on him to sort out childcare then as you say it’s HIS day!
He is definitely BU - as a side note so is the school! What do single parents with absolutely no support do, surely they’d have to just bring their child?

I'd just go back to him "one of us needs to attend parents evening and the other one needs to be with the kids. Which one are you doing?"

If your DH refuses to change his plans, can you ask the school if DD can sit in Reception while you go in. At DC school parents only get a 10 minute slot and they ring a bell at the end of each 10 minute session so parents have to move on for the next parent. There's usually school staff in Reception to help with any other questions/issues. You won't be the only parent who doesn't have childcare and some parents like to attend together, there must be something in place for this.

To be fair(ish) to the school, they have requested no kids but another parent mentioned they usually allow them to wait outside the classroom if necessary. If DH had approached this in a more collaborative manner, then I might have offered that up as an option, then kept my fingers crossed that a 4 year old won’t dick off round the school, but not when he’s just assuming I’ll manage regardless. I’ve already rinsed all the people who I’d usually turn to for childcare favours to no avail.

I think I’m just a bit sick of DH happily skipping off down his own path at the drop of a hat. It’s always “I can’t do pick up on Wednesday, soz…” never “I know it’s my day so this is the cover I’ve arranged, just letting you know…”

I work in finance and currently in busiest period of the year, doing 50+ hour weeks on a part time wage, and DH merrily chipping away at the one time a week that he steps up on the pick up (and drop off) front has just pushed me over the edge.

Sounds like next week (after DH has sorted this Wednesday) would be a good time to revisit your drop-off/pick-up schedule and work out something you're happier with because you currently sound exhausted and resentful. Naturally. He doesn't value your contribution because he's doing so little himself.

I think it's more than this.

The real issue for me is that your DH doesn't seem to think it's important to attend his own child's parents' evening. That's mad!