To think that some people are just not meant to find love?

[OneBoldPoet]

Not everyone is compatible with someone else and that’s okay. AIBU to think we need to stop pushing the idea that everyone has a ‘soulmate?’

After 2 failed marriages and an abusive relationship I think I'd agree with this.

Trying to be my own soulmate right now.

I don’t believe in soulmates and think it’s a bit misguided when people push that narrative …
I think you will have variable levels of compatibility depending on who you meet.

Who do you feel is pushing that narrative OP? I personally don’t feel I’m being pushed it. Some people believe in soulmates and some don’t. Either is fine.

Yeah I agree

I've been thinking about my future as I'm early thirties now

I am not sure I'll marry. At least until dd is in her teens. I doubt I'll ever own a home. I wouldn't want to share my money or responsibility for my child with a man

So I'm not sure what life looks like for me

And I really feel okay about it 😄😌

I tend to agree with @Collette78 , I don't believe in the concept of 'soulmates' and you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you believe this, because it isn't real. I do think, though, that there's a 'lid for every pot' as the expression goes. Many people want to settle down and share their lives with someone kind decent and solvent, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I don’t believe in soul mates.

I also don’t believe there’s a universal plan which says that some people aren’t “meant” to find love.

Some people just have such vile and corrosive personalities that no reasonable person would entertain them. My incredibly emotionally, financially and sexually abusive, narcissistic EX being one of them. I was not in my right or stable mind when he catfished and groomed me, or i strongly believe that to this day he would have never been in a relationship at all.

Your everyday decent human being though, i think just hasn't met the right person yet.

I have never wanted to be married, or just to be coupled up. I have had some relationships but definitely prefer to be on my own.

I have never either felt pressure to "conform" at all.
I know that some people find it weird (but the same way I find living with someone weird) but that's fine, I don't mind at all.

I think the idea is deeply ingrained in a lot of cultural messaging - romantic movies, books, and even casual conversations often frame love as something that happens for everyone eventually. While some people don’t feel pushed, I think others (especially those struggling with dating) might feel they’re ‘failing’ if they haven’t found that perfect match. I don’t think believing in soulmates is bad but I do think it sets up expectations that aren’t always realistic.

Oh I see - I guess maybe I don’t feel pushed because I am in a long term relationship. One of us believes in soulmates and the other doesn’t. We are both aware of that and it doesn’t affect our relationship. Neither of us watches rom coms or read those kind of books so maybe why we don’t feel pushed. But I can see what you mean - no one is “failing” at dating and I’m sorry if you feel this way finding the right person at the right time is so bloody hard. And with life being complicated staying together can be even harder. What I found being on this forum is there are a lot very different set ups and different thinking (from my POV) and to be blunt a lot of people behaving badly. How can that be conducive to long term relationships?

It depends what you mean by a 'soulmate' ?

Love is all things to all people, and we define 'love' may not be how others define it.

I, personally, believe there is 'a lid for every pot'.

Society pushes all kinds of things - university, marriage, kids.

It's not for everyone and that's okay. It's only hard if someone close to you is pushing those things on you.

Your everyday decent human being though, i think just hasn't met the right person yet.

What twaddle. Surely decent human beings are capable of deciding there IS no right person?

The concept of soulmates is very ‘twin flames’ - to me it’s woo rubbish.

I don’t believe there is ‘one person for everyone’; I think there are many people each of us could be compatible with in different ways, it’s just that the likelihood of crossing paths with them all (or any!) reduces the older we get (and the further we move from cultural origins and geographical locations that might more naturally give us common ground with others).

I also think age and personal experiences can gradually make us less willing to tolerate stuff we may have overlooked when we were younger, so it becomes harder to find a partner.

I know if I was single now my bar would be almost insurmountably high versus my younger self, because I’m happy in my own company and would much rather be alone than bend myself out of shape to accommodate someone else’s obnoxious habits, ego and bullshit!

@EnjoythemoneyJane "I know if I was single now my bar would be almost insurmountably high versus my younger self, because I’m happy in my own company and would much rather be alone than bend myself out of shape to accommodate someone else’s obnoxious habits, ego and bullshit!"

I'd tend to go along with that.😁

I’d also add that ‘soulmates’ just seems to be a shorthand for people who have generally healthy, happy relationships - but that takes work, a lot of growing together, and a willingness to compromise and accommodate each other’s needs.

It’s not just a magical, no-effort state of grace given only to those who met The One, which is what the whole ‘soulmate’ schtick seems to suggest.

'Love' is just the socialisation of instinctual desire and protection. It doesn't truly mean anything other than finding someone you are attracted enough to want to have sex with, but who also feels safe to build a home with. You can have a relationship without hollywood ideals love - just find someone you feel safe with & who you're attracted to.

I'd like to think that all decent people are meant to find love. However, actually finding it can be incredibly long winded and emotionally hard.

I have 2 friends who have both been single the whole time I've known them (around 18ish years). I cannot understand it at all. They're both attractive, interesting, funny women. Both have good jobs and own homes. They both seem to swing from really wanting to find someone, to not being bothered.

All 3 of us did Internet dating around the same time. I met my husband. They only seem to meet nutters. It does seem that some people seem to be unluckier than others.

Edit: btw when I say 'decent', I mean 'not abusive in any way'. Anyone who thinks any form of abuse is OK, isn't decent in my eyes. I don't mean that if you don't find love, you're not decent!

I agree that there's no universal plan. However, some people are just less attractive than others. I don't mean visually/physically. Some people just do not have what it takes to be attractive as a partner. I know one or two men who are like this. On the one hand, I feel quite bad for them because I know that they are lonely and would like to find a partner. On the other, I can see why no woman would really be interested in them. They aren't terrible people by any means, they just don't appeal to women. I am sure that there are women who are like that as well, but as I'm a straight woman I don't know any.

My immediate family don't seem to like me, so I don't see why anyone else should, let alone love.

I agree with you.

I grew up in an abusive home and married an unsuitable man who I'm now divorced from. I have no time to date and have no wish to bring a stepfather figure into my children's lives, which means no moving in with partners for another 12 years at least. By then I'll be 50! No one wants to date me anyway. I'm not even being self-deprecating, that's just how it is! I've tried dating apps. I don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like as I've never witnessed, or been in, one.

I think when you've been in a very happy relationship and your husband/partner dies.
It's easy to think you won't bother again, because you'll never find anyone who makes you as happy again.

OP, you are not wrong.

I had a vile father. As a child I developed a deeply held dislike of men. As an adult woman, I haven't seen anything that has changed my mind. Most men are lazy, selfish and dishonest to the core.

I couldn't live with any of my friends' husbands. I have male friends from work & sport but no-one across my wider acquaintance who has tempted me into more than a short relationship. Certainly no-one who could be trusted.

Physically, I like men, that's not the issue. It's just most men are so selfish, I won't give them house room.

I have a teenage son whom I love beyond all things. I have done my best to raise him to wash his own clothes, cook his own food, leave the bathroom as he found it and to be considerate. We share the chores and get on well together. He is cheerful and generally (for a teen) honest. If I'm lied to it's only about how much homework has been done. I've done my best to ensure he will bhave decently in any future relationship.

When ds leaves home, I might try again to find a partner. I'm not looking for a 'soulmate', just someone who will treat me with courtesy, kindness and as an equal. I don't expect to succeed. Which is sad.

I'm a straight woman and I'm like this. Men can't fall in love with me. I lack something.