9 year old nastiness

[Bushmillsbabe]

My daughters year group (year 5) seem to have lots of issues with unkind behaviour. More than 1 parent has put a message on the year whatts app group saying 'please can you ask your children to stop calling my child fat/ugly/stupid, they are really upset....'. I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it is hapenning behind people's backs and to their faces. I asked her if she has on purpose or by accident (she can be very blunt/makes jokes which could be taken wrong way but to best of my knowledge - and I know we would all say this - would never be intentionally mean) upset anyone and she said no, but (after making me promise I wouldn't tell anyone) told me who the culprits are.

So I guess I have 2 AIBU's

AIBU to think this behaviour is not acceptable, and shouldn't be normalised as "lots of 9 year olds act like this"

AIBU to keep my promise and not tell the school or any other parents what I know - on one hand if it was my child under attack I would want to know who the culprits are, on the other I dint want to betray trust or make her a target, which I fully expect to be called selfish for, and rightly so. At least one of the culprits is a good friend of my daughters and I am friendly with the mum, and I was suprised when she was named.

If you said you wouldn’t say, you shouldn’t say anything otherwise she won’t trust you again.

I wouldn't tell my kid I was going to keep something secret if I wasn't, so no, YANBU.

I wanted go make sure she wasn't either a victim or a culprits of this, as she has been bullied in the past, so I promised her as a way of finding out that she was definitely OK. And no I don't want to break trust, I need her to be able to come to us and be honest.

YANBU. When mine were in primary school, I found the way the girls were treating one another shocking. I wouldn’t share what your daughter has told you either - it’s one perspective, and nine year old perspectives are not always reflective of reality. If your daughter is targeted, take it to the school and let them deal with it. And just continue teaching at home right from wrong, kindness and respect. Unfortunately lots of parents won’t do the same. Also it’s inappropriate of parents to use a WhatsApp group to raise an issue like that - they need to speak to the school.

They advised that they had taken it to the school and nothing had been done. Which isn't correct as my daughter reported there has been lots of teacher led discussions around kindness and friendships over past few weeks, so they are trying to address it at a class level, but it doesn't seem to be helping unfortunately. As a governor I know thst they have been individual conversations with children and parents too, bit sometimes unfortunately this can escalate the bullying, it is a hard thing for the school to resolve. It has just suprised me as up to year 3 they were all super lovely to each other. Year 4 thete was a few bits and pieces but year 5 it has really escalated

I would expect the school to have done something about this. At my dc school, there wouldn't be just wishy washy chats about kindness and be nice. There would be actual consequences and any bullying is taken very very seriously. It would also be shameful if you were the parent of this nasty child.

Unfortunately, it's very common in my experience, especially towards Yr5 & 6. I would speak to your child's teacher and say that while your child has not been on the receiving end of this, she is aware of it happening and that parents have been talking about it on the WhatsApp group and you're concerned. Hopefully the teacher will be able to tell you what they are doing to combat it. I would also tell DD that if she witnesses unkind and nasty behaviour that she should tell the teacher or other trusted adult, lunchtime supervisor or whoever is in charge at the time.

If you are both a governor and parent in the same school, I think you could raise it as “parents have been talking about it on the yard/before school, or however your system works. The school will then say they are aware and are addressing “kindness” at a class level. That’s the point when you ask what sanctions are being used to deter repeat offenders. Speaking as someone who worked in schools and was a governor. This kind of thing can really affect kids who are being the butt of it and needs to be nipped in the bud assertively.

The teachers are aware of the circumstances, so there's no need for you to do anything. The child obviously can't stand up for themselves, that's why they get picked on. Unfortunately, that's not uncommon.

@Endofyear the school will be aware re the whatts app group, the mum of one of the year group is a year 6 teacher at the school, she isn't in the group but her husband is, and it would be surprising if he hadn't fed this back to her. Unfortunately my daughter has named this child as one of the perpetrators. Which in no way means she should get away with it, but does make it more complex for the school to handle.

DD2's Y5 class are noticeably behind socially compared to DD1's 2 years ago. They still don't seem to have learned that if you don't like someone, that's fine, but you don't need to make sure everyone knows it! Just the basic principles of coexisting peacefully when you have no choice (like school/work) haven't sunk in yet.

And having a parent as a teacher / TA does tend to make your average 9yo think they're untouchable. DD2 actively avoids the ones in her class for this reason.

I would guess another difficulty for the school is he said / she said ... unless there are witnesses, the perpetrators are likely to turn on the tears and say they are falsely accused.

First answer nails it.
Beak out OP. Your daughter is not involved. Keep it that way.
This is something those involved need to deal with, with the class teacher not a bunch of mums doing he said she said on whatsapp and questioning the kids.
Buckle in - this is peak mean girl age. Who said girls are easier?

I mainly questioned her to make sure she wasn't get bullied too, as she has been in the past. Luckily 2 of her good friends told the teacher (she never would) and it was dealt with and over quickly, I think in part due to these 2 girls being very popular and having 'influence' rather than anything the school did.

I think girls are easier in the toddler and infants stage, when boys are play fighting and bouncing off the walls, girls are more likely to be found playing make believe games and doing crafts. But definitely harder through the pre teen and early teens. DD wants to go to an all girls grammer and is working really hard towards this, but I wonder if an all girls is going to be harder socially than a mixed school.

It's just sad that they can't get along, as I tell DD, you don't have to like everyone but do need to try your best to work with them and treat them with respect

Yes I can see how that would make it more tricky 🫤 but at the end of the day bullying is bullying and it should be dealt with as per the school's policy. They can't let it slide because it's a teacher's child. If you think the school is already aware then probably not much point in you raising it again, unless your child is targeted. I would still tell DD to report it if she witnesses unacceptable behaviour though.

DD is 12 and all I can say is…strap in OP.

Girls are absolutely vicious to each other. Year 5 and 6 is where it all started.

Don’t break her trust, it’s important she knows she can tell you anything. She needs to learn how to stick up for herself, she 100% should be speaking out and talking to teachers if/when this comes her way again.