To feel put under pressure through OH's downfalls

[AvidTealTiger]

I dunno if I've worded this fairly , but I dunno what's going on at the minute.I feel like I'm really under pressure now to help pick up, I'm always waiting on OH to catch up or 'Be ready' in saving money up, then buying a house, doing anything around the house I'm forever waiting on him to catch up and then he doesn't do anything when he's 'there',
I dunno if it's his bad decisions that lead to his strings of bad luck that he always seems to have and it's getting tiring. I can't keep living on forever feeling bad for him.
I felt the pressure so went back to work full time instead of staying home with my baby and I'm busting my ass daily so we can afford the house etc.
I think he's bitten off more than he can chew trying to work from home with our 2 year old at home -his choice. He had a really good high paying job made redundant which noone can help but did nothing with the house with all this money. then he got two jobs trying to juggle and the first job let him go. He's only been in the second job for a few weeks. He can't catch a break. And back to zero savings! And getting in to debt, parking fines up this eyeballs.
I dunno if he's just trying any job and trying to make it work or what. He has an answer for everything..'It was all going well but a new manager started or this manager didn't like me, my team leader said I'm doing well' there's always something. Maybe it's him!?
One manager said he wasn't very proactive he does the basics and that's it. He's the same at home has to be told or he'll just do what he thinks is best, eventually when he's ready or the bare minimum and say well you only asked me to do 'A' not 'A, B, 'C'. Maybe he's too literal and can't think outside the box. ?
I'm quite concerned actually does he have underlying issues that's affecting his work life clearly as he misunderstands alot. And in one year how has he managed to run up so much debt and end up with 0 savings!! It's ridiculous.

are you financially tied to this man?

financial safety is critical, don't tie yourself to a sinking anchor in a sea. You'll go down with him.

What is he spending money on?

It is a bit odd you mention he has lots of parking fines, this is quite reckless behaviour if he is just parking anywhere and not worrying about the consequence so I see why you are thinking there might be something about him. The same with holding down a job, and seeing everyone else to blame and nothing to do with him.

I don't think anyone should be working from home with a toddler. That is not productive and I am surprised his work allow this (assuming the know). A toddler is demanding and distracting so I don't see this job lasting long either.

To add we've both been for eachother when we had no job or no money and I've always stuck by him but how many times can you fall down?
And now we have a lot on the line. Mortgage etc we've only been in the house a year
He wanted the big detached house , his office and his garage and now we can just about afford it. He has wacky ideas and all falls through.
Well parking fines that built up and up because he left it for so long and didn't change his address when we moved just loads of stupid decisions. Who doesn't redirect their mail?
I just wondering if he's ok upstairs or going through some crisis or something I dunno
We can't really afford more nursery I used to be home two days with toddler now I work full time.
He says we'll see how it goes.
And when I check him about things he says see when I'm down and out look how you act etc etc.. I dunno what to do

I dunno if he's in denial as well maybe time to call it a day he says I'm doing all this for us for our family etc sounds like weird narcissistic behaviour he always switches everything around and blames everyone else. Or says he's just being positive but then will say 'Oh when I get this second job we'll be going on holidays and have more money for this and that you'll see' then I believe in him and it all goes tits up!
Trying too hard to do anything and can't take the pressures of life so it's all falling down. I mean I can apply to be a brain surgeon doesn't mean I can do the job.

Sorry OP but no one can work sufficiently to hold down a job with a 2 year old in the house. He'll soon be fired from this job too. Also it's massively unfair on the child to be ignored whilst he's working - I know cause had to do it whilst in lockdown it was miserable for us both

I'd be furious about the redundancy money op! Do you know what he spent it on? Redundancy money should go in to a joint pot and be eeked out to cover emergency gaps in funds. Or spent on house improvements. It isn't personal spending money!

I'd be worried that he quite likes you being so competent op and has opted to look after the toddler while working from home - which in most cases can't be done properly btw - as a deliberate strategy to go PT or become a house husband and have you looking after everything.

And although often people can't help being made redundant, it was fairly obvious in our organisation recently that it was the employees who were off a lot for flimsy reasons, or constantly late, or who didn't put much effort in, who were "let go" first.

How old is he? And how well did you know him before you got married op?

It's so tedious having another child to look after!

WFH with a toddler is impossible and he isn't concentrating on one thing let alone juggling childcare. Can you put your DC In nursery or is there someone who can have them whilst you are both working.

What job does he want to do? If he had a high paying job - what was it? Can he try and get back into that if he did well in it?

Is he depressed? I'm also wondering with the unable to take direction and being literal whether he has undiagnosed ND?

He certainly sounds financially irresponsible to a scary degree.

I don't think he can or should continue wfh with a 2year old. In my view he's either neglecting her (most likely) or neglecting his job. As far as the neglect of a child goes, I think you are also legally potentially responsible, since you know what the setup is. If he's taking good care of her, then it's no wonder he's not achieving much at work. So I'd prioritise sorting this out. If your dc goes full time at nursery, what is the financial gap? Do you have any family who could do a day a week? Could you take her into your bedroom and rent out a room for a year or two?

The parking fines are minor in themselves perhaps but an indicator that he's not paying enough attention or care in life. Likewise taking on a full size house that you may not be able to afford.

The lack of savings isn't surprising at this stage in life but it sounds like you were expecting that he'd be able to save (are you in the US?) I think you should ask to share financial data much more openly with each other. At this stage dh and I had to have a household budget session every week to keep track of payments etc. I'm concerned he may have debts he's not told you about.

His manager has answered your question for you.

He isn't proactive.

He doesn't know how to plan i.e. have a vision for what you both want, set goals that mean the vision is attained, plan the steps needed to achieve the goals, check periodically on his progress. Some people don't think strategically.

Trying to work while looking after a two year old at home doesn't help either.

I don't know if he needs a life coach or go on a business planning course because the steps for a business plan can work for pretty much any plan.

So you're a couple and you don't know what he's spent his redundancy money on? Don't you share finances?

I know it's unfair but you're going to take the finances in hand and sort out how you spend your joint income and start to tell him what's going to happen next. This, as he sounds incapable of it.

If you don't want to and if he doesn't like it then it's time to cut your losses and move on.

Sounds a lot like self sabotage. I have a friend like this who constantly ends up in some kind of minor crises regardless of changing job or moving to different towns.

Probably related back to childhood stuff. It’s a strange impulse to recreate the same levels of stress we experienced growing up because it becomes our safe zone

He said all redundancy went towards the bills. He'd only been there a year. He is crap with money but didn't think he'd get himself in such a mess.
I just feel we sit stable and waste years nothings done around the house no breaks no holidays until he feels better about himself and is in a good position. I feel like I have to do everything or nothing gets done.
He can catch up with his work anytime they are aware of our toddler being home and he gets time out to do the school run so it works out I've suggested putting toddler even in for half a morning or afternoon so he can solely focus on work.

He sounds like hard work. He also sounds immature. Are you married? If not, other than the mortgage and council taxes, do you have debts in common?

Honestly, I would be tearing my hair out. But I would also be sitting him down, in his big detached house, and pointing out that you will both lose it , if he doesn’t knuckle down and get a decent job or jobs, which allow you to pay your bills and towards proper childcare.