One one actually parenting

[onlyoneparenting]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I'm getting really fed up. Things are strained with my H and I and have been for a while because of his lack of communication, but I've realised that it's not just effecting our relationships it's also effecting the kids as I feel like I'm the only one doing any actual parenting, despite him spending a lot of time with them?
To everyone else he's a great dad, but I feel like it's deceptive as while he's kind and loving to them and spends time with them, (and I know I should be grateful, as I know there are dads who aren't) as the kids have got older I've realised he doesn't 'parent' them. He sets no boundaries - it's only me. He never gets involved if they have a problem. He couldn't tell you what they are doing at school, he doesn't make decisions about anything regarding their lives, if they fall out with each other, I'm the one who speaks to them about it, I'm the one who tries to get the oldest to be more tolerant to the youngest (we have 3 boys). Im the one who they talk to about worries to do with puberty etc, I'm the one who tries to get them to help around the house more and who talks to them about why.
Then there's the whole thing where I'm the one who set up child ISAs for them, and paid into them all that side of things too... As time has gone on I'm just realising how little of that actual parenting stuff rather than just the childminding / playing stuff my H does - AIBU to be annoyed about this? Or is this just how it is?

Have you ever bought it up to him?
What was his childhood like, did he have parents that actually parented him?

Could it be that when he tried to parent you shut him down or told him he was wrong, making him loose his confidence. Are you someone who has to have something done a specific way or its not right?

I'm just trying to think of all sides here. I'm not saying you've done anything but I don't think it's helpful to just have everyone pile on with the usual "he's a red flag, leave him, he's a useless bastard" comments that we always seem to get on MN.

Kids are 13,11&6 and yes we both work - although I'm 60% time.

@Hufflemuff I have brought it up as I try to have conversations with about the boys behaviour for example. There was a phase where eldest was being really grumpy with youngest and I really wanted H input into how to handle it as suspected it was hormone related but he basically just said 'we need to keep an eye on it' and that's his answer to everything? When they were little and would be unwell and I was looking for his input into whether I'm worrying about nothing 'we need to keep an eye on it' is all he's ever said.
I am def not someone who has to have something done a certain way, and I do t think I've ever shut him down when he's attempted to 'parent' as quite honestly I cannot think of a time when he actually has. It sounds ridiculous that it's been this long, but when they were little and needed cuddles and fun etc it wasn't so apparent but now they are getting older it's more obvious that H avoids the crap side of parenting entirely?

He sounds quite thick actually! Does he just not have any interpersonal skills to deal with situations?

If you went out for the day 8 til 8 what would you come home to?

@Runoutofmilk - when they were little he'd play with them lots, and still does. I should give him credit in that he does get them breakfast in the morning most mornings, and he will give them lifts to their activities - however he only does the lifts that I ask him to... a good example is we share lifts for one of my eldest's activities with 2 other families and we had a WhatsApp group with the parents from the other families on there where we sort out who is doing what day. The other dads are on there as well as the mums, my H is, but actually ended up taking him off as there was no point, he never read the messages. It all falls to me. He isn't in a particularly high powered / long houred job, no more so than the other dads anyway!

@2catsandhappy I have done as been with eldest at an all day thing on a Saturday before and I come back to the other 2 kids that have been having a great day generally, but the house is a total mess and the youngest is still up and having a meltdown. Don't get me wrong, H does feed and clothe them, it's the trickier bits - the 'how do we want to raise our kids to be' bits that he completely avoids?