Can you learn resilience?Or will I always struggle?Trigger warning abuse/mental health struggles

[Ufhdifm]

Name changed.

Bit of background, had a very abusive childhood with physical, sexual and emotional abuse over almost the entire course of 3-16. Very poor attachment to anyone-mother at centre of abuse and other relatives also involved. Made very poor decisions 14-18 including putting myself in very risky situations and was raped at 15. Was hospitalised after this after trying to overdose, this happened a few times with some self harm too.

I have never had therapy and the only time I have taken medication to help, the tablets had horrific side effects that made my urge to hurt myself worse, to the point I had to physically wrap myself in a duvet to stop me doing it.

I met my husband and he turned my life around really. I have a lovely family and a life I never dared to dream of. I feel very lucky in that respect and I know my childhood cannot hurt me anymore.

I am struggling with two things though, which might be related I suppose.

Firstly, my self esteem is, and always has been, in the toilet. I put ridiculously high standards on myself and brutally berate myself when I inevitably cannot meet them. I think I am worthless, that no one likes me (although I will try very hard to be liked), criticise myself constantly and there is always a cloud of feeling undeserving of anything.

The second thing is a lack of resilience-my moods are really all over the place and reactionary to any little stressor. These are internal struggles mainly, but I don't seem to have any resilience to the small stuff-which seems ridiculous when I have been through so much. I blame myself whenever anything goes wrong, I don't like who I am, I can understand why no one would bother with me.

Can I do anything to get better at this? I feel guilty even writing this as my husband and children are so much better than I deserve, I would just like to be able to potter through life without these horrible intrusive thoughts. Will I always be like this?

You have come so far!

I'm not usually one to recomend 'therapy' but in this case I will. rape Crisis might be worth a look, mots of the women they work with have survived childhood abuse. EMDR is often found useful for trauma, take your time finding someone you click with though.

In the meantime, write yourself a letter or some little notes, "I deserve good things", "I can do this" and so on. And positive distractions. At RC we used to recomend art, excercise, anything to do with water is often therpeutic, and so on. All the best.

You are resilient and have done amazingly well. Travelling on a journey like this involves a huge amount of resilience which you are leaning in to every day. Can you refame it to where- where can I get the help I deserve? Hope somebody better informed than me comes along to advise where that help will be.

As someone with similar struggles, I'd like to know whether it's getting rid of the intrusive thoughts that you want, or to be behaving better? I had to take the behaving better journey.

You can train yourself to behave better without getting rid of the intrusive thoughts. You can be a better person without needing to get rid of the thoughts and triggers. The emotions you feel are no excuse for bad behaviour. Outbursts, tantrums, projecting anxiety onto your family. I wonder if this is actually what you mean you say you need to improve, because you mention not being good enough for your family. If it's this, no it's not good enough for them, so you be hard on yourself, tough self love, and stay aware of your behaviour at all times. And you change your behaviour - this doesn't need the thoughts to change. They are two different things. The chaos in your head does NOT mean there has to be chaos on the outside. It's a cop out and excuse.

If you've cracked this already and your behaviour is fine, and you're speaking of actually getting rid of the thoughts and reactionary emotions inside themselves, I haven't managed to figure that out myself. I don't think it's resilience, it's mental health problems. If it's this, then it's in your head that you're not good enough, and is not reality. I'm awaiting further therapy on the NHS for this to see if that will help with the chaos in my head. But they don't rule or influence my behaviour, at least towards others. A couple of slips, mainly when I'm just very tired, but on the whole they do not rule me. Nightmares and panic attacks and dissociation yes, struggles of the self, but my treatment of others is not rocked by it.

Thank you so much for replying, I am worried about asking for help, I am worried about opening up in case I feel even worse and worried I would be taking the help someone else needs more than I do. If I go to my GP, i think they will give me antidepressants and after last time, I am worried I could act on those urges. I don't want to put my children through any trauma at all. Will I have to go via my GP for help?

The emotions you feel are no excuse for bad behaviour. Outbursts, tantrums, projecting anxiety onto your family. I wonder if this is actually what you mean you say you need to improve, because you mention not being good enough for your family.

I would never behave like this and would sooner die than do anything to hurt my family. I'm not good enough because I'm worthless and don't like who I am. I would never project that onto anyone.

The Drama of Being a Child by Alice Miller and Complex ptsd From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker really helped me to look back at my childhood and start to realise that it wasn’t my fault, I was an innocent that was terribly let down and failed by the very people that were supposed to protect me. By seeing it through the lense of the writers it gave me distance and the change in perspective that I needed to start to process it and forgive myself for the poor choices I made as a result of my chaotic childhood leaving me woefully unprepared for adult hood. I also came to Realisation quite organically that I was, in fact , pretty emotionally immature . I don’t mean that in a child like manner but in an under developed, stunted kind of way. I spent almost 15 years in and out of therapy , I started age 25 and I’m now 45 and over the last 20 years my mood is much more stable and I have developed a real insight into my own behaviour and also that of others. I still have my moments andI know i can be a bit of a nightmare but my DH is incredibly understanding . I’m a much more loving and compassionate person than I was and more stable to boot but it’s been a gruelling journey at times.

If you go to your GP for help and they offer antidepressants OP you don't have to accept them. Just explain what you've said here and ask what other options there are. They could refer you to therapy for example. That's what they did for me, just talking to someone who was completely detached from my whole situation helped so much and made me realise I was actually doing really well and gave me says of making me able to deal with things and move on... Also, not all AD have the same side effects, another one might be a far better match if you close that route in future. Good luck xx

Also, your “over reactionary behaviour” can be helped by re-parenting your inner child and showing yourself the compassion and love that you never experienced as a child. The voice in your head that is critical, that isn’t you or your voice. It’s your parents and the people that let you down. It’s like a parrot that sits on your shoulder and constantly criticises you. You need to shake that parrot off and actively tell yourself that you ARE a good person and you DO deserve a good life and you ARE a nice person. The more the real you talks to yourself, the less time the parrot gets to talk. You need to practice intentional self care, try positive mantras because you deserve it.

Resilience is about being able to bounce back and despite low self esteem, you do seem to have bounced back pretty well, you have good resilience.

Low self esteem is a coping mechanism, by blaming yourself you are able to take control of the situation. Therapy might help you navigate the scary feelings of no control (if it's not my fault then I can't control the things that happened to me)

I think therapy would be really helpful. It would be a safe space to work through and challenge these feelings of worthlessness that you have. It would help you start to build new patterns of thinking that you can turn to when things get tough - this is really what resilience is.

Sometimes antidepressants help you get to a place where you can benefit from therapy. It might be something you explore with your doctor.

I'm not saying this to make you feel worse about yourself but... It's very hard to completely hide low self esteem from the people who love you. At some point, your kids will start to wonder why mum is so hard on herself, why she doesn't value herself even when she's so wonderful and tries so hard from them. Your thought patterns will shape them. So if you don't feel like you deserve therapy and healing for yourself right now, or that it's not important or worth the money, it absolutely is. Things can change and you deserve help to get there.

I am reading the replies and really grateful for the suggestions; a couple of stupid questions, how do I start with positive affirmations? I can't think of anything I can say positive about myself; secondly, where do I start if I go to my gp I wouldn't know how to start the conversation, I am pretty good at masking how I feel so around me people think I am fine, because I have learned no one cares how I really feel but if I act fine people are nicer to me, I struggle to open up. I am finding typing this very hard, I'm sorry.

I’d like to recommend a book called Getting Through the Day: Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children by Nancy J Napier. It’s not on Kindle I don’t think so you probably need to get a paper copy.

Hang in there!

Re the GP: could you write it down? Maybe show them the opening post from this thread?