To think my partner is out of order?

[ThatNavyGoose]

My partner is having a hard time at the moment because of a life change and is very quiet/withdrawn. He doesn’t like to talk about things and needs a lot of space when he’s low like this. Several times this week he has bitten my head off but I let it slide. I texted him while he was at work yesterday and told him I knew he was having a hard time and I’m not going to ask him about it but that I am here for him if he does want to talk and told I love him. This morning I got the kids out early so he could have a long lie in and relax. But today, while I was minding my business on my lunch break, he massively bit my head off over nothing and was horrible to me and I lost it. I told him I don’t mind him being sad/quiet/withdrawn etc but I do mind him
being horrible to me. It’s not my fault - his issue/life change is nothing to do with me and I’m trying my best to be understanding but he crossed the line today. He said I’m too sensitive, have no resilience and I need to be more empathetic towards him. Surely there’s a limit on what I should accept?!? I’m happy to be supportive and have no problem with him being quiet/withdrawn etc but don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that he can just snap at me and be horrible under the excuse that he’s having a hard time. He told me to leave him alone which I will gladly do. It’s got me thinking that I’m really not the right partner for him. Am I being unreasonable?

As someone who suffers massively from depression & anxiety, and who also withdraws and needs space… he is an arsehole.

YANBU and don’t have to put up with being treated that way.

It doesn't sound like it. The important thing was telling him you are there for him with an offer of help. Reminding him that you should be met with kindness and not anger.

Where's his resilience, sensitivity and empathy?
He can fuck right off.

It's really him that has no resilience op, and no he doesn't get to snap and be rude to you, you aren't his emotional punch bag tell him to leave you alone until he grows up.

Empathising with someone's misfortune is one thing. Allowing yourself to be used as their emotional punchbag is something else.

You have quite rightly asserted your boundaries and told him that you won't put up with it. Good for you.

This

When men get "depressed" they also seem to get a hefty helping of entitlement. This usually translates into treating their partners like shit. Women generally plough through life's troubles (whilst dealing with kids, bereavement, elderly relatives and working full time) without making everyone else around them their whipping boy. Men, not so much. Their hard times strangely seem to trump everyone else's.

As per PP, I also withdraw and want to be alone.

But I never bite anyone's head off or blame them.

You don't deserve to be his emotional punch bag. He needs to fuck the fuck off in my opinion!

He has no right to be horrible to you, regardless of how tough things are for him.

So you have to have empathy for him but he doesn't need it towards you.
What a tit he is.

Why do you have no problem with him being 'quiet / withdrawn'? That would be ringing alarm bells to me. He's not helping himself or allowing you to, and you're being far too nice IMO which is allowing him to behave like an idiot. Tell him, the next time he bites your head off, you will 'leave him alone' for good or tell him to get out until he can behave better. It's not acceptable behaviour and I don't understand why you're even questioning if you ABU???

It's telling that you think of it in terms of you not being the right partner for him - he's not the right partner for you!! If he expects empathy and resilience to mean he can be shitty towards you consequence free, then he's not the right partner for anyone!!

Cannot tell you how much these messages and replies have helped me ❤️

He said I’m too sensitive, have no resilience and I need to be more empathetic towards him.

I’d be asking him if he can see the irony here? He’s clearly sensitive and not showing any resilience regarding his situation.

Just go back and say you have been thinking, you would like to know where his resilience is? Ok he may be having a hard time but that doesn’t give him the right totake it out on you, and if he doesn’t modify his behaviour he can leave

"He said I’m too sensitive, have no resilience and I need to be more empathetic towards him."

Did you burst out laughing?? Surely that's a joke? Where's his god damn resilience?? I'm not sure I could have kept a straight face.

It doesn't matter what his issue is or what he's got going on - it's absolutely not ok for him to take it out on you! You sounds lovely and you've gone out of your way to be kind to him. What an ungrateful tosser! You deserve better 💐

OP please get out. I read your post yesterday and could have written it myself I’ve put up with the same with a ‘life change’ that’s not worked out for months. It’s come to a head in the last few weeks and just like you I stood up to have it all twisted back on me. This last week all I’ve wanted to do is cry and tonight after some stupid strop of him where I stood up for myself I’ve lost a massive chunk of hair where he swiped at me. Didn’t expect it to get violent and no idea where im
going from here

This - who the fuck does he think he is when you’ve been supportive!

Id give him space all right - I’d tell him to go elsewhere whilst this extremely stressful period continues. Then he won’t need to be concerned about your or kids upsetting him and you won’t have to walk on eggshells.

My partner has had life changing health issues, over two years, which has resulted in being unable to work again. He's also been left with a stoma. He's had his moments of fear and a few dark thoughts through the pain and possibly because he had ketamine during surgery and morphine afterwards. He has been on wards, in support groups and rehabs and I wouldn't say that your partners behaviour is the norm.