Child Maintenance Stress!

[PolarBear59]

Hey MN,

Sorry for such a long post. Hoping for some responses regarding my ex and finances/maintenance if possible 🙏🏼 I get paid child maintenance via direct pay (CSA calculate amounts and ex (female) pays on the date CSA specifies).

The first thing I’m unhappy with is that my ex pays by standing order, meaning if it falls on a weekend I don’t receive it until the next business day. If really unlucky and there’s two bank holidays it would be 4 days late. I’ve asked my ex time and time again to just make a transfer to me once per month so it’s instant as it falls at the end of the financial month for me, so when I need it the most. She refuses. States she uses a pre paid debit card so can’t do transfers. But also dropped out she still has main standard bank as wages are paid into there. Google says most pre payment cards you can transfer from. And she also transferred me money from her Mum’s account (who she lives with) not long ago. So I know she can. Spoke to CSA a few days ago to see if there’s anything they can do and they advised to report them as missing payments when they fall on a weekend (which I now know to be wrong advice as it has to be 5 working days late). So I told her this is what the CSA said (hoping it would prompt her to agree to transfer rather than do a standing order). 90 mins later she informs me she’s called CSA and changed payment date so any future payments that fall on a weekend won’t be officially late. She’s done this (and they’ve allowed it) less than 48 hours before payment is due. Payment is due 8th (Saturday) and will come in Monday 10th. I’m struggling for money massively (car has broken down) and my son needs a lot of things which I wanted to go out and get with him this weekend. She says she only deals with cash so I’ve offered to drive to her (1.5 hours travel at best, 3 hours in traffic) and to collect the cash from her when she gets paid (she’s been paid today). Again she’s refused. AIBU? Just a side note, I know a lot of people don’t get payments from ex’s for their children at all (something the CSA keep reminding me off and telling me I’m lucky 🙄) but I can’t get on board with this as if you have a child and you have legal responsibility for them, you absolutely should pay for your child. That doesn’t make me lucky! That makes the parents refusing to pay, absolute a*se holes in my opinion!!

She gave me cash for a ticket I paid for recently for a school trip for her. That had to be cash too even though I said I really needed the money and couldn’t wait for the cash until when I saw her next. In the end I had to drive to get it which cost me money in fuel I didn’t have spare, then I had to go and find somewhere to deposit the money, and I got charged to put the cash into my bank! So out of a mere £24 I probably didn’t see much of that. AIBU with this to be upset that she didn’t try to find another way to get the money to me? And instead I had to spend 3 hours collecting it, depositing it and paying to deposit it, just because of how she decides to do her banking? Surely that shouldn’t then put me out? I also don’t believe her when she says she can’t transfer, as she utilises the school wraparound care and she doesn’t use it for the same hours each month and therefore can’t set up a standing order for them. And they don’t take cash either. So her excuses don’t add up.

She’s only just started contributing towards school trips in the last couple of months. For the whole of my son’s school life I have been the one to pay for them. She wasn’t happy about paying for the first one and when my son came back to me she told me the money (about £12) was in his bag. I got the bag in and unpacked it, only to find she had given me the FULL amount in coppers! I kid you not there was maybe one or two 5ps but the rest was 1p and 2p coins! This is just to show you how she goes out of her way MASSIVELY to make things difficult for me. I am disabled and she has first hand witnessed the daily battles I have with chronic issues and pain (we were together for 15 years). So doing things like this, and making me go to collect money, trawl around finding somewhere to deposit etc (but now this weekend won’t pay cash for the maintenance payment as I need it urgently) is all (IMO) a really cruel game to play as she knows how much I struggle with day to day life anyway, let alone without her adding these extra stresses onto me.

A couple of other things that really don’t sit right with me are that because she’s got some arrears with the maintenance and she’s called them three times (according to the CSA), to say that she can’t afford the repayments so they’ve then reduced how much she pays towards arrears. She’s also started recently (since she started paying through the CSA funnily enough) paying into a private pension. She then provides pension statements to the CSA at every annual renewal, so that the CSA reduce her maintenance payments even further. I know that the CSA allow this, but I’m annoyed that she’s exercised that right. Because any reduction in her payments fall onto me. I can’t then tell our son I can’t afford food or that I can’t buy him new clothes and I because I’ve decided to pay into my pension to make my retirement more comfortable!! So I think it’s disgusting that she’s exercised can do these things. As mentioned I’m disabled and had to very reluctantly give up work a couple of years ago. She lives with her Mum in a one bedroom council flat. She bring in around £35K per year and her Mum £25K per year at minimum. So that’s £60K going into their household, the rent is around £380pm, no cars on finance for either of them, they don’t even pay for/have internet. So the fact her living costs are so minimal and yet she’s finding every loophole in the book to reduce what she pays for her son, really doesn’t sit well with me at all!

Any advice or opinions welcomed please as I’m so unbelievably fed up of her tactics ☹️

Yanbu to feel messaed around.

However i think the first thing to focus on is whether you are claiming everything you are entitled to. The maintenance she pays you shouldn't be the crux of whether your son eats a meal. Are you claiming the child benefit, and are you entitled to UC?

My child's dad was paying by standing order and I asked him to change it please to doing it manually and he was fine with it.

It's clearly unreasonable for your ex to do this but from a legal perspective, there isn't anything you can do about it if the money is being paid.

It's totally normal for payments to go in on the Monday, same as any payments due to be taken out would be on a Monday as well.

The rest of it sounds annoying, and CMS is heavily weighted in the NRPs favour which sucks.

Have a look on entitled to and see if you're missing out on claiming anything else.

Are you getting PIP? I know it's a pain to claim but it can open a lot of doors for disabled people.

Unfortunately bank transfers require manually doing - remembering to do - each time. I have plenty of automated payments set up that way otherwise I would simply not succeed - so I think you are a bit unreasonable to think she should change her payment method.

She could get around this if course by setting it a couple of days earlier. Your other issues suggest that she isn't going to do this and will continue to do what she can to make things difficult. You need to find a way of managing your finances to work with her payment being a week late. It will cause you less stress in the end. Stop showing her it bothers you - it's taking effort in her side to send £12 in coppers - if you don't reward her by showing it annoys you / causes you problems she will stop eventually.

As other have said- check you get all you are entitled to UC, PIP, child benefit etc talk to school about trips - they will have a fund to support kids where there are finance issues. Make sure your kid gets free school meals etc.

This.

She's not out of order for doing a SO and making it an automated payment. Not at all, you need to be able to budget around it.

She is a twat for not finding a way to simply transfer you the other money, but you're not much better for driving for it. Pointless waste of money.

What her Mum earns and all that other stuff is by the by as you well know. You clearly feel hard done for, but you'd be better focusing on sorting your own situation and bettering it.

Have you spoken to the school about funding for school trips? If the contributions are leaving you unable to manage financially then there should be a discretionary fund for pupils in receipt of pupil premium - which I imagine DS is? And, if you can’t rely on his mum to repay you in a timely way for school costs you’d paid then make it clear to the school that you cannot afford these contributions and they need to request them from his mum in future if they want them. If she’s paying CMS-agreed maintenance then this is assumed to cover everything, she isn’t required to contribute extra towards things like school trips, and if she’s determined not to do so then all you can do is make the awkward and uncomfortable part around negotiating with the school her problem.

I would be questioning why they will only give you cash? A refusal to pay you electronically could be that they're not declaring their full earnings which means your CSA will be reduced and it's also fraud.

they don’t even pay for/have internet

Do you just mean home WiFi? Or does she not have internet access at all, so no mobile data? No regular internet access would definitely explain why she’s not agreed to manual transfers and also provides cash (although giving you the money in coppers is just shitty).

Firstly, the main problem is now sorted as the date of the standing order has changed so even if it falls on a weekend it still won’t be late; I know that doesn’t help you this weekend but at least it’s done and going forward won’t be an issue anymore so that’s a win.

Secondly, technically speaking she doesn’t have to give you a penny over child maintenance so unfortunately you can’t rely on any extra money towards school trips; the only thing you can do is speak to the school about any discretionary funds as a previous poster said or if you can’t afford it yourself, your son just doesn’t go. It’s not right and she’s definitely a shitty human being but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about that.

Thirdly, you’ll be a lot happier and better off mentally if you let go of things you can’t control. Child maintenance has been sorted out now but things like school trips, cash payments, her pension contributions, how much her mum earns or that her mum has the ability to do bank transfers (which is totally irrelevant) is not something you can control. You know your ex is a shitty person and a shitty parent but don’t let her win by fixating on it and the minutiae of her life. The only person you can control is yourself so you’ll be a lot better off if you let go of the things you can’t control.

Standing order isn't unreasonable. Shows its a priority and can't be forgotten. Perhaps she doesn't want to have to remember to log in to her banking and manually do it. I'd also stop driving for spare change especially that far.
Income doesn't mean she has the money. Could be up to the eyeballs in debt. Id be concerned over the pennies more than thinking she is making life difficult. That doesn't seem to link with a person who's set up the standing order. In general absolutely any parent should be paying for their kid properly.
Make sure you're getting all your entitled to.
If you can't change a situation, you can change your mindset to it. Don't let her hold so much power over you. Your child will know which parent made the sacrificed and did the hard work

Standing order is sensible.

I forget to make transfers sometimes if they need to be done monthly and it's easily done.