Child Anxious, Shared Care a Cause? What to do

[Howldens]

I will try to keep this brief, I would very much value both the poll responses and others insight.

my ex husband and I divorced 4 yrs ago and have had an informal shared care agreement of 50/50 over our 2 boys since then. I did not want 50/50 but was advised by my solicitor at the time that it wasn’t worth fighting since court would likely allow it.

We were on the surface a very nice middle class family. My ex could be very loving and funny, is a very principled, intelligent and charismatic man, a feminist etc etc BUT he also had a very dark side, which caused me to resent him & eventually fall out of love.

He was very, very angry a lot of our marriage, he once slapped my sons face when he was 3 yrs old (yes I told him if he ever laid a hand on him again I would leave him that day & never look back), smoked pot, got into debt so bayliffs came to our home, I paid a £25k tax debt of his that I had no idea about, and while I don’t think he cheated there were also a smattering of messages to other women.

Since we divorced he has sorted himself out. He’s a great dad I think - much more involved. Our coparenting relationship until now has been great and I think this is really important for the kids.

My yongest has always asked to spend more time with me, sometimes crying for me at pick up. recently he has become incredibly & increasingly anxious. He constantly has nightmares about being separated, lost, is scared to use public transport. As he drops off at night he springs awake and says he was thinking about “being lost”. This week he sprung awake saying “I was thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong at daddy’s house”. And then said he’d been sent to his room for being naughty and was in his room reading and his dad had come upstairs, ripped the book out of his hands and flung it across the room.

I think he’s really struggling and before this recent disclosure had said to my partner that he could perhaps do with a bit of counselling- and that these fears of being lost are perhaps an expression of a deeper anxiety about separation and we could perhaps consider letting him spend a little more time w me to settle him.

dad has a new baby so I think he also falls through the cracks at dads a bit whereas I do not.

dad is refusing to allow him counseling bc it might “stigmatise” him. And I’m saying I think the risk of him being stigmatised is less than the risk of these feelings going unnoticed, unexpressed and him to getting g support.

I found a counsellor who does play therapy in the school so to him it would likely seem like a different lesson - and at this school kids often do other lessons such as music so not sure it would single him out.

dad is refusing to consider. I think because the counsellor might find out things he doesn’t want her to, or she might agree that 50/50 needs to be revisited.

with a professional opinion in the mix he would be forced to listen to me, but without that I am easy to ignore.

my Aibu is, am I right to “force” this, even if it ruins the coparenting relationship.

im worried because i want my son with me more of the time and perhaps that desperate need to be with him is clouding my judgement of what is right.

would value opinions.

I think in part the reason I feel guilty is because I do want to revise the shared care arrangement and until now I haven’t had grounds. But perhaps that feeling is more about me & my needs than those of my son? And I’m just jumping on this as a reason to change things when there might be ways to help him that are less disruptive to him, and his brother.

“My ex could be very loving and funny, is a very principled, intelligent and charismatic man, a feminist etc etc “”He was very, very angry a lot of our marriage, he once slapped my sons face when he was 3 yrs old (yes I told him if he ever laid a hand on him again I would leave him that day & never look back), smoked pot, got into debt so bayliffs came””he’d been sent to his room for being naughty and was in his room reading and his dad had come upstairs, ripped the book out of his hands and flung it across the room.” I’m really interested in your description and perception of your ex . Do you think a man who has the capacity to get extremely angry is a good role model for a child? Dads have to teach their sons how to cope appropriately with difficult emotions…it doesn’t sound like your ex has learnt how to deal with this himself. Grown males being angry can be extremely frightening for young kids.

He doesn't need counselling. Dad's household likely need early intervention.
You don't have the full picture but the book incident is highly concerning.
I think I would share my concerns with school or social services and get advice, explaining that despite how things were in the past, you have generally felt he has been a good parent.
Your son is anxious because he is now living with dad's anger like you were in the past.

I know. I feel very conflicted because I feel like I’m the only one who sees it, so maybe I am just too critical. It’s just that 95% of the time the behavior is good and he is so assertive that people listen to him even though I don’t think a lot of what he says is right. Like at parents evenings he can be really weird and passive aggressive to the teachers but he’s a big tall well spoken guy and they all listen and I’m a small middle aged women thinking “we have one hour a year to hear these teachers perspective on our son but you’ve not listened to them AT ALL” but no one else seems to notice.

I feel like the only person in the world who sees him the way I see him - and I think maybe I’m mad.

Very interesting. What do you mean early intervention?

You’re not mad. His behaviour is not acceptable, and he is being abusive towards his son. Denying him the opportunity for play therapy shows at best a selfish disregard for his child’s needs, and at worst a concern about what may be uncovered. You may have become inured to things through habituation - he is unlikely to be the “good dad” you say he is.

Without a formal order, you could try unilaterally to change arrangements but if your ex were to take it to court this may not go in your favour and the usual status quo is 50/50 with some horror stories beyond that of anxious children being sent to live with the problematic parent full time to remediate the “alienation” supposedly driving their insecurity. It’s behind closed doors, and you are at the mercy of your judge.

How old is your youngest? If it comes to court, the chances of his wishes being taken into account depends on his age/assessed competency to make a decision. (Would he be able to dare to say what he wants is another question).

It’s worth raising the matter of the book and the controlling behaviour and your son’s signs of distress with social services and school, I think; any track record is better than none, though steel yourself for it being dismissed by as “differing parenting styles” by a court. But if you possibly can get the play therapy, please push for it. I think it would help your son.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-and-early-intervention

exact provision will depend on area

This is regarding the previous post up above. I agree with that poster that early intervention could help (though disagree that play therapy is not warranted too).

He is 7 - perhaps too young g for his wishes to be considered. The fear that it goes against me in court is a huge barrier to me having done anything in the past.

Seven is too young, unfortunately, but at 10/11, there could be more chance.

It could be worth:
a) involving early help, school, gp, from a point of view of being concerned about your son’s symptoms of anxiety (you do not need necessarily to speculate with them as to the cause, but you can mention what he has disclosed about the book). You may or may not want to raise concerns with SS as well.
b) push for this play therapy and if your ex husband refuses, that could be the thing you go to court over (a specific issue order to allow your son to have this therapy rather than a child arrangements order about changes to care arrangements)

The play therapy will benefit your son - this is good in and of itself. It could also help him be emotionally articulate and able to express himself to authority figures.

thankyou so much for taking the time to post. I’m actually speaking to a solicitor this afternoon. You think it’s not the best to press for adjustments to shared care?

I am sorry, I really don’t know. It’s a horrible gamble because it would depend on the judge. For context, though, hitherto entirely absent fathers have been granted 50:50 shared care when coming into the life of a child who previously only ever lived with their mother. I think you’d need a strong case to change your status quo in your favour. I really feel for you.

I hope you find your solicitor helpful, and please go by what they suggest over my own musings.

Do you need his approval for the therapy? Can you not just take your son yourself?

I'd get counselling or play therapy for your son asap and also take him to the doctor regarding the anxiety. He needs other people outside of the family to talk to.

I would absolutely arrange ay therapy for your son. I would be extremely concerned about his father's behaviour and your son's reluctance to go to his father's house. Please listen to your son and protect him. Get legal advice and take your son to the GP to discuss his anxiety.

The family court system is utterly fucked.

Here we have a woman who is desperate to help and protect her small abused son, but is frozen in inaction because of (justified) fears that a court and judge would take against her for it, for going against the (selfish and frankly deeply concerning) wishes of a maladjusted man, who happens to be big and well-spoken and oddly commanding and is inexplicably against his child having therapy to help him.

It’s all fucked.

Can you talk to his teachers privately?
And have a very open conversation with them about your concerns?
And so if they raised concerns to your ex first and suggested camhs intervention or the play therapy, then it could be harder for your ex to refuse?

I'm sure they would have noticed things with your son and possibly changes in him?
They could even present it as a reaction to the new baby which I'm sure is adding to the distress of your son and the growing tensions at his dad's?