Worried about my relationship..

[Coffeeshop17]

i have been going through a bit of a difficult time recently with my own mental health. I’ve struggled for a long time with constant worrying and anxiety, and I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which didn’t come as a shock.

I also started a new contraceptive pill recently, which I think may be causing severe mood swings. I was due on this week but was advised to keep taking the pill.

This week, I’ve been awful. I’ve been moody and cranky and sarcastic. My back has also been flaring up and I’ve been in agony.
Last night, my partner was really tired after work, so before dinner, I offered we have a 20 minute nap, and I set an alarm. Around 17 minutes in I wake up, and I move around in agony. This wakes him up and he asks what’s wrong. I said my back was in agony and I asked if he could check for any big knots. He said “what, now?” And I said “just in a minute”.

Later on, he comments that he didn’t sleep “for the whole time” because I “kept making noises”. He said he was also “really confused” because “who asks someone to do that when they’re asleep?”

He then got frustrated that I kept playing it down, because I was saying I was only asking a question. He said it wasn’t good enough.

He then snapped and said I’ve been horrible all week, and treated him like shit. He said I’ve been a nightmare to be around and that this week, I’m not making him happy. He said he is happy in general. He said I’ve been like a different person.
He asked me “is this what life is going to be like, because the way you’re acting just isn’t good enough”.

I then asked him if he’s happy, how he feels about me, if he still loves me etc etc etc. he flipped and said that I don’t trust him, that he tells me over and over and over again that if something is wrong, he will tell me. He hates the fact that I keep asking him, and he doesn’t understand why I need constant reassurance. He feels like I have no faith in him.

Another thing - I also got upset because we want to go on holiday next month but we can’t book it until payday, so he’s not thinking about it until then.
I asked if he ever thinks about wanting to go on holiday with me and he said no. He said he’s busy at work and doesn’t have time to think about it.
I said I daydream about us going on holiday all the time and he said he doesn’t have the same brain as me.
Is this even normal?? This makes me doubt him.

He’s woken up today and reassured me that everything will be ok but I’m terrified I’ve obliterated a good relationship.

Can anyone offer some advice or words of wisdom please?

(For context our relationship is usually great, I do have my struggles and moments but he is usually very kind and supportive).

You need to step back and take a breath. You're feeling like shit and taking it out on your partner. You feeling awful is no reason to disrespect him, press him, or escalate issues.

And there are no red flags to someone not daydreaming about a holiday. You're being unfair, give him a break.

In my experience I would say yes, this could be due to the pill. If it’s the first one you’ve tried, I’d go back to the GP and ask for a different one if it’s making you feel so awful. In the meantime I’d give your partner as much space as you can, it’s not fair to take it out on him.

You need to stop asking for constant reassurance. It can break the best of relationships.
The rest just seems like a normal moodiness but turning a "grumpy as couldn't sleep" conversation into "do you even love me!!!!" thing is out of line.

Okay, so two things here.
You've been struggling with constant worrying and anxiety for a while - have you had any help with this at all? Its so hard to deal with, but you can work through this - i did. But you need to make it a part time job, working on it. How's your diet and exercise, do you go to therapy, have you tried reading up on useful techniques to use? I have struggled with this for years and exercise (specifically weightlifting) and getting to the root of my self beliefs changed my life. Be kind to yourself - it's bloody hard.

Second: how long have you been on that pill? I struggle with hormonal changes myself, and have changed pills and gone off and on pills and it took months to settle down. Is it a progesterone only one or a combined one?

You have had some good advice already, but you need to try and stop pestering your partner for reassurance. It really is a relationship killer.

When DH is grumpy I stay out of his way as he is just not pleasant to be around. I know he isn't grumpy with me, but at other stuff like the internet going off or he can't find something, but it just makes him so grumpy I disappear.

If you are as hard to be around when things aren't going right for you I expect your partner will also want to avoid you.

I just worry if he’s not that into me if he doesn’t even think about going on holidays with his girlfriend! I feel he wouldn’t ever book anything because of this and that means he’s not fully into it

So you need to learn some distress tolerance skills and not dump your worries on him. The problem with anxious attachment is the self-fulfilling prophecy of it. You think your partner is not into you so you start behaving in a way that leads them to leaving you. You experience a bit of a relief from "being right" which only serves to confirm your thinking. Onto the next relationship where you repeat the cycle. And so on and so on until one day you, hopefully, realise that you need to change your behaviour.

I just don’t see how it wouldn’t mean he’s going off me

The contraceptive pill made me very depressed - it’s intolerance to progesterone.

What would you like us to say?
Yes, he is probably going off you and it has nothing to do with your contraception pill... Now what?

OP, you have two choices here. Accept that he doesn't want to be in a relatioship with you and break up with him or accept that your thoughts are unfounded and work on changing your attitude and behaviour with the possibility that it may save the relationship. These are your only two choices. The ball is in your court.

He just thinks differently. I'm a planner and perfectionist and enjoy researching things, my DH only thinks about things like planning a holiday or buying gifts at the very last minute. In the holiday situation, I'd probably shortlist some of the best destinations/deals, then discuss it with DH once pay day comes around. Some men probably wouldn't book a holiday for them and their girlfriend without prompting, I'm not sure it's that uncommon or means they don't love their partner or want to go away with them.

It sounds like you are projecting and are thinking about this from your point of view only. You are someone who dreams of going on holiday with their boyfriend. But not everyone does, everyone is different. For example, my DH just wants to chat about his day at work when he gets home in the evening. I don't, I would like to forget about work until the next morning. I would be quite frustrated if he thought I don't want to share things with him or I don't trust him simply because I deal with work in a different way: it is not about him or our relationship, but about me and my personality.

The point is, you cannot expect him to react and think and feel like you would, and then draw conclusions when he does not. You need to decide whether you can accept that he (and any other boyfriend) is not you and may not think or react in the same way.

Just because you daydream about going on holidays with him doesn't mean he should do the same. It's not fair to expect this.

The fastest way to put someone off you is to be needy and seek "reassurance" on the relationship.

You should never make yourself this reliant on anyone else for your self-esteem and emotional wellbeing: both because you should never be this dependent on another person to feel good about yourself and also because its really off-putting and unattractive.

You say you're on a new pill and that can play havoc with your hormones.

Take a step back, maybe take some time away from him and just draw a line under this. Don't constantly seek postmortems and validation from him: it won't help.

Chances are this is a blip. If not, and your relationship is coming to an end, it won't kill you, you will move on. No relationship is worth this much anguish.

Thank you for the advice.
should I be worried about his reaction to ruining his nap? I fear he’s getting tired of me or I’m just overreacting

Yes you are, to be blunt. You have to take a step back. You're reading so much into these minor niggles and interactions. All couples have areas of friction and irritation. You can't eliminate this and nor should you try to.

If you get to a point where you are fighting / bickering more than you are not then it's time to reappraise this. You're not there yet. Give yourself a bit of time to regroup, preferably away from him, and get some perspective.

Also, you need to reframe this in your own head. It's not just about what he thinks of you and whether he's getting tired of you. If you approach everything with this mindset you will constantly be seeking to please him and do everything in your life in the context of what he needs from you. Not only will this piss him off over time, it will stop you thinking about whether he is making you happy.

This is far too much stress and anxiety. Take a step back: work out whether its in your head or if there are more significant problems. If its the former, try to reset the way you feel about it. If its the latter, you'll have to rethink. But you can't make a relationship work by constantly overthinking your partner's needs. All you will achieve by doing this is making yourself unhappy and making him annoyed.

I think you would benefit from some counselling to help you get some perspective on this, to be honest.

OP you are being v unreasonable. He doesn't daydream about going on holiday, that just means he's not bothered about holidays - not everyone is. It sounds like your behaviour is very wearing and you could be in danger of driving him away - no-one is going to want to be around someone who is moody, cranky and sarcastic. I wouldn't, would you? You need to get help if you are having constant anxiety and overthinking, make an appointment with your GP and talk it through with them. If you think this pill isn't right for you, there are others you can try. Speak to the GP about pain management for your back.

I'd really suggest you keep your eye on your pill & if this anxiety continues, try something else. Sorry OP but it sounds like you've been super annoying this week.

Nobody is going to be a great mood when tired & dozy and then something suddenly wakes them & starts asking for things.

Also, getting the hump about not having holiday daydreams is like that hideously annoying question 'what are you thinking about' and then getting pissed off when the answer is 'work and what's for dinner'

Focus on monitoring your own behaviour now you're in this pill & let the guy breathe.

I think you need more support with your mental health.

OK, you sound incredibly over-anxious and you need help.

You shouldn't be interpreting every tiny thing as a sign that your boyfriend is 'going off you' and you shouldn't be constantly asking for his reassurance. It's very needy and suffocating and your boyfriend probably feels like he's walking on eggshells.

If my boyfriend wasn't that enthusiastic about planning a holiday because he had other stuff on his mind, I wouldn't think 'He must be going off me'. I'd simply think he was a bit busy and frazzled and maybe doesn't put the same importance on holidays as me.

Thank you everyone