When my daughter was very young, I really struggled. She didn’t sleep for more than an hour straight until she was four. She’d wake up constantly and take hours to get back to sleep. I also had a toddler who was very energetic. Slept through the night, but didn’t nap and was on the go when awake. Add to this, I was a single parent and social services were involved. It was a nightmare. I resented my daughter so much, I was exhausted and didn’t bond with her well at all. I did everything I had to, but it was very much a fake it until you make it sort of situation. Now when I look back at pictures, I’m shocked how beautiful and happy she is. I only remember the crying and exhaustion. Because of social services involvement, I didn’t tell anyone how much I was struggling, or get any help, I was worried they’d take my kids away.
so that’s the background, on to now. Both children are much older, and thankfully both usually sleep through the night! But tonight my daughter is ill. It’s just the flu, but I can hear the coughing and hacking and I’m already feeling stressed by it. I feel like I’m immediately drawn back to the time when she didn’t sleep and so I couldn’t either. It’s almost adrenaline hitting me, the feelings returning of desperation and anger. I was so angry all the time, I tried so hard to be a good mam, but I was just so tired.
i know I’m overreacting, I know it’ll be an awful night but we will survive it. But I feel the panic rising already. I get the same every time she’s ill. Not the eldest, just her. This isn’t normal is it?