To be sad gender stereotypes are pushed on DGD so much

[AyaAza]

I have one DGD, she is 3 and I absolutely adore her. However I can’t help but notice that she seems to have a lot of gender stereotypes pushed on her.
She always wears skirts/dresses/pink, even her wellies are pink with bows! Recently I took her to a toy shop on with my DD and went to go down an aisle with more “boy toys” like train sets and cars and my daughter went “oh no we won’t anything here these are boy toys”. They have also decided to send her to an all girls school and DD is always talking about how sweet the uniform is when she is in the proper school years (think boater hats and piped collars etc.) and how they do ballet and that’s so lovely for a little girl. All her toys are traditionally more feminine, such as dolls house, play kitchen, baby dolls.

DGD recently started tots tennis lessons and even wears a dress/skirt to that.

I often wonder if it’s cultural as my son in law is Lebanese but I’m not sure as he is very progressive in many ways and doesn’t really practice religion at all.

AIBU to find it quite sad and should I say something or let it be?

I don't think you can do much other than having some cars and trains available at your house for her to play with. Shame though.

That is a shame. Can you get some alternative toys for your house for DGD to play with?
That said, I got a variety of toys for DS and he gravitated towards typical boys toys!

She is never at our house sadly, we always visit at her house, even if babysitting.

I'd bring a bag of stuff with you then. Granny's toy sack or something under the guise of making it a special treat or something like that.

She will be a goth at 13.

I would buy her the “boys” toys for Christmas etc. Mad that cars and trains are seen that way in this day and age.

(I would also say something but I guess it depends on how much you want to get into an argument with your daughter!)

I would let it be - unless you want to fall out with them.
I was very much brought up as a "girly girl" - which was super annoying as I wanted a Scalextric. Didn't really shape me that much - I am a strident feminist who has carved out a career in a male-dominated profession.
Still didn't get the Scalextric, and my nephew isn't interested. Grrrr

As was I - well 14....

Well done to you being more open minded and aware of this issue than your DD!
Gently broach the subject with your daughter and see how she takes it. She may not even be aware of it and it might open her eyes and perspective. Little girls are conditioned by society and families in so many ways and it really holds us back as adults. It takes years of work (and therapy) to undo the damage that has been done to self confidence and only leads to people pleasing and minimising yourself in order to avoid making others uncomfortable.
Please don’t avoid this subject out of discomfort.

Oh no not an option, DD makes an Amazon wish list before birthday and Christmas and it's made clear that if we get anything not on the list it won't be used, she does it under the guise of not wanting clutter. She's very strict about it. Also not allowed to buy any clothes for DGD!

I can see why you're a bit sad. A big part of growing up is finding out who you are and your daughter has already decided much of that for her daughter.

Surprisingly toys and clothes now are so much more sexist than they were in the 1960s and 70s

Gender based marketing wasn’t ‘a thing’ until the 1980s. Clover Stroud wrote a fascinating article on this for, I think, the telegraph)

I digress. I have two small kids - one boy and one girl - and get infuriated by the gifts they’re given. Could you appeal to your daughter on educational grounds? Building blocks to support STEM etc?

Rather than going against the parents here, can you just tweak things a wee bit. Duplo do a good girls range that may help with building and practical skills, look for toys with a veterinary slant to push her interest in science and maths, farmyard toys because little girls love animals, and every farm needs a tractor.

I wouldn't challenge the parents, but you can definitely win a war of attrition.

https://www.lego.com/en-gb/product/caring-for-bees-beehives-10419 love this!!! And she gets a little truck

I’m curious, was your daughter very girly growing up? It’s interesting that she’s got this approach when it’s clearly not come from you reinforcing it.

It’s a shame your dd won’t let you choose what you would like to buy for your granddaughter. My own parents and in laws have brought some interesting bits for dds over the years. My own mum is famous for her slightly weird presents, but it’s still nice they’ve been out and chosen them for them.

would you be able to take your DGD out shopping? Dress it up as something she really wanted? My dd1 has always been girly, but loves dinosaurs, even to this day (she’s 20 now).

dd2 was always quite a tomboy when little. She loved the turtles! They also both had toy cars, trains and a farm. Toys are toys and kids should play with what they like.

she’ll probably rebel when she’s older and shave her head or something.

I don't really know what you can do sadly. Other than when you're at the toy shop, if the mum says 'oh, these are boys toys' you just gently say 'no, all toys are for everyone. Then to the kid, oh, look at that cool train/boat/car etc'.
If the child shows an interest I'd hope they wouldn't be cruel enough to actually say they couldn't have a less 'feminine' toy?

Once the child is a little older she'll have her own tastes and it will be impossible for them to ram all this gendered stuff down her throat.

I'm sure any modern school wouldn't discourage girls from things like sport, science, DT etc. Just because it's a girls school doesn't mean they will only focus on ballet, cooking and dressmaking.

It sounds like DD is quite domineering and controlling of her daughter. Even at 3 children have tastes regarding toys music clothes etc and it sounds like the child has very little input even within the limits of 'girly' items.

It's a different point perhaps but I don't agree with a parent telling family members what to buy. I think a wishlist approach is nice to help people pick items but a restrictive list like that is very unreasonable.

You GD is young and hopefully she will spend lots of time with you in the future and she can have access to different things when you take her out and about in the world a bit. Make sure to give her little choices so she learns her own mind as I think she isn't getting this at home. Fwiw I work with children this age and so much of the girl boy stuff is innate, my workplace is very gender neutral but the girls still come in wearing pink and want to play with dolls and the boys want to tall about diggers and cars.

Girls are more likely to pursue science and maths at GCSE and A Level if they go to an all girls school, if I remember rightly.

@InWithThePlums that's interesting. I always remember the girls schools I attended being really big on breaking down gender barriers around careers, subjects, pathways etc. this was many years ago so you'd think now they'd be even more on it. So that in itself isn't necessarily a worry.

Worry not OP. The all girls school will sort this out. With no boys there girls will learn there is no such thing as boys and girls’ pastimes or subjects.

I wouldn't worry that much tbh, your dd might be able to control her interests somewhat now but it'll only last so long! DS only really had boys toys, well he had a kitchen but he didn't have dolls or a pushchair - although all the boys loved running around pushing them at playgroup when he was young - no interest in the dolls, just racing around the place.

Not having a toy train set when you're 3 probably isn't going to make you think you can never be a train driver any more than it's going to make you think you can never ride on a train. Nothing wrong with having wellies that are pink, they work just as well in mud as any other colour.

I think you're over thinking it, she'll have all sorts of influences in her life beyond your dd.